Husband going into care home

I didn't want to read and run, as I have no experience of this.
What a sad situation for you.
You seem a very loving wife and have devoted your life to caring for your husband, it's time now to let others help.
Your health is also important and I am sure you must be permanently exhausted.

Wishing all the best in such a difficult situation.

Logically you know it’s for the best, emotionally it’s very hard. You may find some support from Age UK, they might also direct you to local services or groups.
I’m hoping you have friends or family you can talk to at this difficult time.
Take care of yourself.

Sending kindest thoughts to you

I didn't want to pass on by, and although I have no experience of this, I realise it's very hard for you emotionally and just wanted to send you my very warm wishes

You have devoted twenty years looking after your husband it’s second nature to you. He has accepted he has to go into care because he knows there is no choice. He also knows that you have cared for him now it’s time for much needed help.

You will see that he will soon settle into his new surroundings and know that he will be looked after. You on the other hand will find you have more time to do what you want to do. Visit your husband whenever you want when it suits you. It will take time to adapt but you will so don’t feel guilty you have been a loyal wife.

It’s a difficult situation welshchrissy my heart goes out to you.

I agree with the comments of redhead on this. My friend is in that situation with her husband.

Look after yourself too ?

My experience is nothing in comparison but I do understand the feeling of failure. What I did find was that in ceasing to be a carer I had the chance to be a wife again, and in retrospect that was very important. You will still be the one who monitors the care your DH receives so you are essential in a different way. I hope things go well for you both.

Big hugs welshchrissy, it is very hard to relinquish your caring duties, you are doing the very best for both of you, but it's a huge life change. My aunt also cared for my uncle for twenty years until she could no longer lift him, and he also went into a nursing home.

I hope your husband is comfortable and happy there, and it's not too far for you to visit.

What a difficult time emotionally for you welshchrissy. Please don't feel guilty, you have cared for your husband so well.
Lots of good advice already given.

Take care of yourself xx

I have been through this situation Chrissy so I know what you are feeling.
My H “did” things in a different “order”
First came the dementia and then the stroke.
I cared for him on my own with carers in the morning to get him up ,showered and dressed.
After the stroke he was very difficult and I was over 80.
He went for respite a couple of times which was great so I asked for a permanent place for him.
He was past knowing about it.
When the place eventually came with less than a week’s notice I was almost in shock, was I doing the right thing?

Driving away from the home and garden he loved I was in pieces inside and after unpacking and leaving him there I was heartbroken.
However I knew that for us both it was the right thing as I couldn’t do it any more.

Less than 2 months later he was diagnosed with cancer and died after a month in hospital.

That was three years ago and on reflection was absolutely the right thing for us and I am sure it will be for you.
I visited 4 times a week and that was a pleasure and not hard as caring was.

Good luck and thing positively and with your head instead of your heart.

You have given more than your best now is the time to let someone else do the carrying. It must be very hard for you and I hope you have the support of your family.
Take a rest and build up your strength you have a lot of happy times ahead of you visiting.
If it is any help I had to do this with both my mother and MIL and they turned back into the lovely people they could be. Clean and tidy, health care is constantly available. Lifting apparatus on hand and more than one person to care.
You have nothing to be guilty about look after yourself and visit as often as you feel capable of. Best wishes.

Dear Welshchrissy you must be exhausted, on top of all the new things now happening. I hope the many kind and thoughtful comments above help and of course it will take time to adjust. This is a wrench but it’s good that your husband accepts it. It seems to me that you have taken caring and loving decisions together. All the very best for some good times together still to come.

A lot of hugs from me welshchrissy.

This life, it is not a straight road and your husband has reached a bend in his road. I am glad that he is accepting and what a wonderful wife you are, caring for him the way you are doing. It is a huge sudden change for you, it must be like a loss of purpose every day.

Maybe do as I did when my husband passed very suddenly. write a short list before you go to bed, a few things that you could do in the day and include something nice to do for yourself.

Sorry you are in this situation Welshchrissy and your husband is so ill. You have no need to reproach yourself at all but I know it comes with the territory. When your husband is settled in his new home and you have time to regroup I think things will look very different. You will be able to visit your husband and have a relaxed time with him instead of being weighed down by caring responsibilities. Your husband still needs your support and this is the best way to do it. Best wishes to both of you.

I know it is hard to look at these things in an objective and logical way because our emotions are so tied up in it. But, when I found myself in this situation, I listed all the things that my OH would gain from being in the nursing home:

- competent carers who were not (like me) utterly worn out by it all
- proper equipment so he could be moved about smoothly and without discomfort
- help immediately at hand
- I would have the space to be well - not getting up in the night to him ranting, not listening to his illogical accusations, not having to insert suppositories and deal with his catheter, not battling with the surgery to get the right meds at the right time, not having to deal with inefficient carers, not trying to lug him about - even with a standing aid it was very difficult.

I visited him every day, and fell into a new routine. The staff there were supportive to me as well - they would see me arrive and minutes later a cup of peppermint tea would arrive in the room for me.

It was not perfect - because of his paranoia, he believed people were trying to harm him - but it did work out for the best in the end. When the time came he received loving end-of-life care.

Do not feel guilty - there is more than one way to discharge your perceived responsibilities to your husband - you can struggle to do it yourself, or you can hand that task to people more capable who go off duty and are able to recharge their batteries.

Do not feel guilty - you are doing the right thing.

How brave you are to say 'I need help' - such a difficult thing to do.
Take time to 'decompress' from the all-consuming role of day-to-day caring and enjoy building a new routine for both of you.
Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for all your kind words . I know I am doing the best thing for both of us but it is still hard to accept. I am sure that once we get into a routine and I stop being so exhausted and tearful we will start to really appreciate the quality time we can now spend together.

You are a very brave & caring wife to your OH,give yourself time and look after yourself sending you warm hugs.

You feel bad because it's your duty to care for your family. But if he's better off with professional care...
You've done more than your bit. Do not feel bad.

Dear Welshcrissy,
The way you are feeling is perfectly normal, you have cared for your husband for years and done everything humanly possible for him, be very, very proud of yourself for giving him your 100% , but we are humans, we are not robots and we can't go on forever and ever, its impossible. Your husband's needs are becoming more and more and you have to be kind to yourself amongst this, its imperative you look after you.

The new home your husband will live will have the means to look after him 24/7 and you can visit him and see that he is being looked after, as he should and hold your head up, up and be proud of yourself for dedicating your life to him, dont hang your head in sorrow x, raise it up, smile and see that your husband is being looked after, you have done everything humanly possible its now time for you to rest. I send my love to you and as I say, look up, be proud x

As others have said you will now experience quality time with your DH when you visit him. The care and catering will be done by others and you can enjoy your time together. Years ago my MIL lived with me for a while. I was so exhausted with all the necessary jobs that I had no time to sit and chat with her. Once she was in a care home she was dressed etc by others and everything was done so I took her out or played cards or did jigsaws. We were both better for this.

welshchrissy, what a sad time for you both, my heart goes out to you.
I don’t have any experience so can’t imagine how hard it must be.
Just wanted to send a hug to you and to all the lovely people on here who have been through the same sadness and are able to give you their support.

Hugs and

Oh bless. I’m like others here, I feel so sad for you and can easily anticipate being in this situation myself. I’m sure you’ve heard enough people telling you that you shouldn’t feel guilty but somehow you do. Your life is important too. Are there any support groups, people to talk to where you live? It won’t solve everything but it definitely helps to make you feel less alone. Take care x