Reluctant carers, should I interfere and insist NOK step up to support?

The children probably know that you have done all that caring for past relatives, & expect it for their mother, don’t be emotionally blackmailed in to caring for her.
Do a zoom call with sil & children & explain that you aren’t up to caring for any more relatives. Time to put your feet up, if you able. Good luck

How does the pharmacy4U work when you are with a dispensing practice? - does anyone know?

You have done your best and the children are imposing on you , by just expecting you to be there all the time. So my suggestion is that firstly you do go away for a couple of weeks somewhere and have a break for yourselves. But do not state a day when you will be back and then also state that you will be away or out for various days for different things and that you are letting them know as you wont be available. Take up a course or two - september is the date that many courses start, and just look at what might interest you both . It might lead you into something new you would enjoy. But the point of it would be just to make it very clear that you are not available any longer to be relied upon. You have your husbands health and your own to think of, and as they clearly dont care much about their mothers , they certainly wont be any asistance to you so however hard it seems , I think you have to get back to the priority of looking after your own health now. It is sad but she chose to move even when you put the points about being on her own there. You need to keep this up for some time as if you begin to do many things for her then the children will continue in their selfish ways and leave it to you.

Old, but relevant.
I use pharmacy4U, and I didn't know they do blister packs.
Thanks Elegran

I've just realised that. It isn't very old, though, and the situation may still be ongoing.

Re dosette boxes, there is a link here - online-pharmacy4u.co.uk/blogs/news/blister-packs-nomad-packs-dossett-boxes-trays

This is an old thread.

You need to be VERY clear just what you can do and what is too much, and stick to your guns. She has capacity to manage her own life, and money to pay, and you have your own commitments.

Hold a Zoom/Facetime meeting with her family and explain this. There are some good suggestions on this thread that you can make to them, but it is up to them to set them in motion.

Don't get involved in organising her pills regularly for her - my 90 year-old aunt receives loaded dosettes delivered weekly from the pharmacist, free, ever since we realised that she had several half-finished packs of each medication and was confused about whether she had taken the right tablet for that day of the week because each pack had stopped at a different day. The family need to contact the GP and the pharmacy and state their concerns.

She could do her shopping online, and pay regular bills by DD or SO, and irregular ones by bank transfer, Again, it is her family who need to talk to her about this and help her set up any arrangements.

Is your sister in law getting on ok with the carers?
If necessary, the arrangement can be carried on, without any break, but perhaps an increase in the calls.

Is she agrees, of course.

It sounds as if she needs more of a home help type arrangement, though.

Then perhaps you might feel up to just checking in with her once or twice a week, by phone (hopefully!)

You should start a new thread Astrastar as you’ve tagged onto one from last year and haven’t received any replies.

Hope I won’t be thought badly off but I need to off load my husband has always been the strong capable one takes care of everything kind of man a good provider generous we don’t have children but we did have dogs budgies cats I was able to stay home and give them all a wonderful life and do work volunteering at animal charities however he got cancer and now I’m having to be his carer I do absolutely everything cooking cleaning shopping diy the garden accompanying to every appointment his dressings his medication I don’t drive so can’t escape I feel so weak and ashamed that I feel so anxious and resentful im disappointed in myself that I hate being a carer even though I love him very much and keep it well hidden I just want our life back disgraceful rant over

Thanks again everyone. SIL has a brittle personality! Generally manages to rub people up the wrong way and can alienate herself very quickly in social situations. So hasn't made many friends, or at least any that are willing to help.

I'm afraid I snapped at her the other day, suggesting she could be asking her children to do more. Very insightfully she said 'unfortunately I seem to have brought my children up with too much freedom to do what they like, when they like and with no consideration for others..................' Couldn't have said it better myself!!

If she wants to be near the sea maybe sheltered living would work well for her.

I agree children too far away. We had similar with an elderly neighbour then it becomes too much and they then expect more and more help. Maybe she should employ more help from carers or go into sheltered accommodation. We had to stop all extra help to neighbour apart from putting the bins out. Now he is having carers coming in and a cleaner. His wife died and they were her adult children living 3 hours away. When they did visit I had a word and sad he needs more help
And a cleaner desperately. They said we asked him to move near us and into sheltered accommodation but he refused!! So if the situation gets worse I will contact the social services department. You have to back off and hand over to them as family are so far. Case of out of sight out of mind and of course as time goes on it will get worse as this has happened to our neighbour in his 80s.

I sympathise. I have tried this half-way method:
Decide how much time you can realistically give her.
Write down for her that you will be visiting 2-5pm on 30th October to help arrange anything she needs. Put this in a prominent place.
Contact her kids and tell them that.
Whilst there, obviusly sort out all the bits and say 'what is happening in the next 2 weeks that you might need help with?' so you are on top of things.
Contact kids 'I have seen your mum today, have done XYZ. I will next be visiting on.......Before that, you need to check that she has ordered repeat medication (or whatever, make sure you give them at least one little task)
A couple of days before next visit contact them again 'I am going to see your mum, I will check on XYZ, have you sorted ABC?'

I am sure that as a nurse, you are very aware of this, but I know that when we're in the middle of something, it's difficut to see the wood for the trees. Although it keeps you somewhat involved, it helps with boundaries. Then once the pattern is established, you say 'I won't be able to call for a month' or something similar.

Good luck!

Surely if someone has no family that wants to help social service will arrange things for her. Contact them and say that you don't want to help anymore.

I assume - since I can't see any mention of it - that no Lasting Power of Attorney has been set up. If not, it would make sense for you to put it to her children that it's customary for the nearest and dearest to take on this ultimate responsibility. There's no need for any of them to have to do all the work. I left it to my solicitor to make sure that everything was signed and sealed properly. It would cost more than DiY but takes the load of one of the family.

Has your SIL not made any social contacts since she moved down? I.e neighbours, a church, social activities.. surely you aren't the only person she can turn to? I would encourage her to join some groups.. and for you to concentrate on your own problems.. as others have said, have an extended holiday so that your husband can recover without this added stress.. I hope you might find that SIL is more resourceful than you think..

The question is should I or shouldn't I interfere? I fear this move may create a falling out between her children and us.

You're not interfering. You're directly involved so you have every right to state your case.
If her children choose to fall out with you over it that's their problem.

Sadly your sister-in-law has put herself in this situation for her own reasons of "wanting to live by the seaside."
To be blunt I think she should move back to where she was before, with family nearby.

It's unrealistic of her, or anyone else, to expect her adult children to provide much practical care from three hours away.
I know because I was in the same situation with my parents, though in reverse with them wanting to remain on the coast.

SuperTinny your husband has already had one heart attack. Your priorities are closer to home.

@fancythat is right If you are not there then you are not available. Say you are going on holiday for a couple or weeks (regardless of whether you are or not) and then go "dark". You lost your phone or whatever. Something will get sorted out in your absence and whatever is put in place with the children can be continued.

There is nothing like the person you rely on being "unavailable" for someone to HAVE to sort things for themselves. This happened to a young friend of mine in uni when a needy older woman got her claws into her. She went off to her parents house for two weeks (mother was ill) and her housemates refused to give out any contact information without her permission By the time uni friend had returned needy woman had gone elsewhere (she had a social worker).

This is going to come across badly, but here goes..

Personally I would be going on holiday again..

There are certain circumstances where I think you have to preserve your own family first.

And also be cruel to be kind.
The responsibility lies with her children. In my opinion.

Can you have a FaceTime call with her adult children all at the same time?
Then they can have it from you as a collective and no misunderstandings.
She then can hear from her own children that her brother and wife are also feeling the strain and not to be expected to be on call.

OH had multiple meds and the Pharmacy sorted it out before I collected it
Everything was in sealed compartments according to the day , that was divide£ into doses and times for taking it , easy to get at and see when something was due
Before that I spent ages sorting the tablets

Is she going to be stuck at home all the time in future?

I would probably, (given she's just a mile away) ask her to make a list of things that she needs/wants doing so when you visit you can do them all at once.

I think she should pay people by bank transfer if she's able. I do that for my window cleaner and my 99 year old mother-in-law does it for her cleaner and her gardener.

Once her tablets are sorted out and she has the correct medication you could sort the pills into the storage box for her if you are happy to do that. Presumably you do visit her anyway?

I think the irritation is being "on call".
Most things aren't urgent so can wait a week or two.
If she can ring you - presumably she can call the pharmacy?

Good luck. Sometimes small things seem urgent to the other person but they really are not.

She can pay people like her cleaner, gardner and handyman via Paypal or bank transfer. I do because I rarely have cash in the house. I pay them while they are still here so they can check their mobile banking and see that the money is in their account. If I need cash I bank transfer some to my nephew and he brings it on his next visit. I only use cash for taxis and most of them will now take cards if you use he app.

She does have full mental capacity - my bad