How to talk to muddled husband

Gunday my Jim used to ask to go home , but he was at home .i used to push his chair into to hall and back again , sometimes that settled him , sometimes not
It was explained to me that it was called “ sundowners. “ and was the effect of evening drawing in
My MIL came to visit me one Sunday evening , her Daughter carrying a suitcase , so I was expected to have her , she thought she was home , but next evening she was really not with it at all , she climbed over the children’s stair gate , tried to get into bed with us ! I hope your Brother had a good helper , it’s not easy coping
We had plenty of space , but I think the lady who started this thread has a very small house , hoists and commodes in your only living room is hard work

OP have a look at Teepa Snow's Positive approach to Dementia care on You Tube, she is brilliant. Also Alzheimer's Society has fact sheets on every single subject, you can print off or have sent to you. They have a lovely Forum called Talking Point, for Carers and are of great help to many carers.
As many have said a Diagnoses is vital for correct care and treatment, the earlier the better. If you have a Dementia Nurse (Admiral Nurse) in your are she will be your go to throughout all this. Get a referral from your GP ASAP, if not Dementia UK, have a lovely helpline manned by Admiral Nurses. I am sorry you have to go through this, but with the right care your husband can live well with Dementia, both at home and in the care home. I wish you strength to support your husband whichever way you chose to care for him, as someone else said your remain a carer to the very end even when he is in the care home as you are his voice throughout, he is lucky to have you, so many do not have anyone to fight the system for them.

The Alzheimer's Society website has some really good, download able advice sheets.

My husband was diagnosed with mixed vascular dementia AND Alzheimers about 18 months ago …although he’s been ‘ill’ for at least 10 years I’d say!
I was looking after him day and night for passed 3 years , and all told for 27 years since the stroke that started it all! At night he wandered the house …falling , sometimes three times a day …with me struggling to lift a 12st man ( who could not help himself one iota!) off the floor. Then waiting endless hours for paramedics to come help me …then the endless tests they would carry out !
Then after / years of sleeping just 3 hours a night in landing chair ( not a bed) I was picking him off floor at midday ( 3rd time that morning) and I had my third stroke .
My kids then said “ enough mum’’
He went into fill time care ( for which I pay) and my relief was palpable. He cannot remember kids:grandkids/me ….but I visit three times a week anyway. I walk as I have no car .Its time for you to realise your husband doesn’t know where he is or who is with him . Give yourself some credit …for what you’ve done already . I gave half my marriage over to caring! It’s now time for me , and YOU to care for ourselves.

Aggie's explains our situation, I cared for both my late husband for 11 years and my late mother both with Vascular Dementia overlapping with 2-3 years. both living with me, both wheelchair bound and my mother blind too. I have a 3 bedroom bungalow and every room in the house was used for equipment and storage of pads and medical requirements. My mother was very settled and relaxed just to be with us, my husband often wanted to go home. When I asked him where is home, he would mention his childhood home, but when we drove there, he did not want to be there either, but wanted to go back to our own home. Wanting go to home is when they are anxious about something and not settled and it usually happens at sun down when they are most tired so yes they are sundowning, but it can happen any time of the day or night. Nothing will pacify at that moment, so distracting is everything which you quickly learn to keep yourself sane. There is so much help and support out there now, but in those days there was not quite so much awareness about Dementia and it was much harder to source the support required. St. John's did brilliant courses for carers which helped me tremendously at the time. The enablement unit in the hospital where my husband gradually recovered from his stroke taught me a lot too over a period of the 6 months he was there, before I finally had him home with one carer to help me 3 times a day. The rest of the time I was on my own, you do adapt and make the best life for everyone you can. We went out every single day having purchased a converted car where one rolled in to tieback, sat in the wheelchair, the other could weight bear, so could transfer with help. You can chose to have a carer double up at home or you can choose to be the main carer and just have one carer assisting you, whichever works best for you and your health & wellbeing. If you are self funding you can employ a PA so you have the same person daily, with a second PA covering her time off. Works well for lots of carers. The options are endless but it can be done if that is what you prefer. Good luck with whatever option you chose in the end.

So very difficult for you Notjustaprettyface, but sound advice from those who have personally experienced this. A diagnosis is paramount, and if dementia is found, then the required professional support to help you both. In the meantime, music, maybe reading to your DH, talking about happy past events and family members,; therapy, such as hand/foot/shoulder massage; looking at old photos, if possible take him outside for some fresh air when the weather is reasonable. Warm wishes. 💐

Try asking in this group, set up during Covid for anyone in a care home. They're amazing full of information and support. Good luck www.facebook.com/groups/RightsforResidents/?ref=share

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My dear MiL has advanced vascular and is in a care home. DH visits around four times a week and each time it’s like Groundhog Day.

She repeatedly asks to go home and when can they leave. He just goes along with it and tries hard not to correct her.

It must be so much more difficult when it’s your spouse and not your parent.

I found during visits where no conversation could be had, just holding his hand and listening to his favorite music. Also, large picture books, photography books on his favorite subjects. Sometimes I would just bring a book and read outloud.

Pets don't use words and yet their language can say a lot and they can be quite comforting.

My husband is responding well to chemotreatment for secondary bowel cancer. Likely he will have an operation on his liver and radiotherapy in the spring. We have always thought of downsizing partly to pay off our outstanding mortgage but obvs we didn’t see his illness coming.. now he says we should do (move house) it in the next year. We’ve no definite plans of where we would go there are several options but unfortunately we have various family commitments to take into consideration in making a decision. It all seems rather overwhelming to me, I’m sure if I was advising anyone else I would say it was.! And yet it’s something he wants to do….any thoughts?

Just a heads up that this is an old post
We don’t know if something might have happened to the OPs husband and she’s still reading.

I’d recommend you start a new thread Juliecymru as you’ve tagged onto an old discussion about dealing with relatives who have dementia/alzheimers,