Unpaid carers

My mother not my daughter 😂

PS during COVID I did my mother and stepfathers online shopping. His daughters didn’t do anything. In May 2021 I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer (leiomyosarcoma) but was still at their beck and call. I have POA for my mother and have to take responsibility for everything except having to look after her. I’m going to put my eldest daughter on the POA soon in case she outlives me. She’s 90 and I’m 64

After my stepdad went into a care home due to dementia my mother got even more demanding. Ringing me up to 10 times a day. She was then diagnosed with dementia and looking after her became a nightmare. She was constantly falling, luckily she had carers initially one visit a day increasing to two a day who sometimes found her on the floor after a fall. She had a pendant for carecall but had forgotten to use it. She would be taken off to hospital but then sent home again. Social services said she wasn’t eligible for a care home. After a really bad fall, the day after she’d been sent home from hospital the social worker agreed that she was eligible after all. The care home staff are lovely and take very good care of her despite her horrible temper. The manager stops her constantly ringing me. I now have terminal cancer and spend a lot of time at the hospital. Mum doesn’t really understand and thinks I’m cured. She’s constantly asking to come to live with me and my husband!

To claim Carer’s Allowance, the person you are caring for, for at least 35 hours per week, must be in receipt of Attendance Allowance (or PIP or DLA. ).

Carer's Allowance is an 'income replacement' payment to people who have had to give up paid work to look after a relative. State pension is also regarded as 'income replacement' so if you're in receipt of the pension, you cannot claim Carer's Allowance.

I think Carer’s Allowance isn’t paid when the Carer becomes eligible for DWP, if that exceeds the amount the Carer would receive?

greenlady102

welbeck

but OP you talk as if you are a soldier under orders.
you don't have to do any of it.
you don't need his permission to withdraw your labour.
you are in charge of your own life.
this is an unhealthy dynamic.

This, you need to jointly pull up your big girl knickers and put your feet down.

Agreed.

And dont expect him to be reasonable.

MaggsMcG

Carers Allowance doesn't apply to the elderly its Attendance Allowance. Apply for Attendance Allowance at the very least. He will have to do it. Its not means tested. It won't really help with you and your siblings health though.

You are referring to two different things here. Carers allowance if for the carer and therefore the carer applies. Attendance allowance is for the cared for and therefore the cared for applies. The AA can be spent on carers of course, but that is totally up to the cared for.

You all need to talk to your DF explaining you can't keep up all the time and effort he needs. Even if you can get him to accept carers for say 3 days a week that woukd help you a but. The local authority Social Care team could also be involved. Would he accept/is he able to go out with a carer to a club for a few hours a week.May help distract him from his demands on you and family. Difficult for you but 6 do need to make sure you are looking after yourself.

Twig14

Sorry you are struggling but I understand I did the same for both my parents until my DF passed during Covid but until my DM went into a care home did same for her. I’m in my late 77s gave up so much of my time to care for them and now my DH and I have more time for ourselves he’s been diagnosed with cancer. Please get some help because you need it. Your DF has to realise that you can’t be there all the time and that you are not getting any younger. Even now I’m going up n down to the Care Home to visit my DM. I guess you feel guilty but trust me don’t look after yourself as well. Take care

Twig14



I wish your DH the best possible outcome.

It's a salutary lesson isn't it - our lives are passing by so quickly and we have to make time for ourselves.

You will obviously want to visit your DM, but I hope you are pacing yourself and having some quality time with your DH. And a little time for yourself to just "stand and stare" (what is this life - if, full of care - we have no time to stand and stare?).

Carers Allowance doesn't apply to the elderly its Attendance Allowance. Apply for Attendance Allowance at the very least. He will have to do it. Its not means tested. It won't really help with you and your siblings health though.

Goodness me, we are years younger than your father and have a cleaner and a gardener, we also order our food online if neither feel up to going round the supermarket due to health issues. Caring for my lovely mum wore me out and I could never go there with our children. Your dad sounds lonely and clings to you all for company, he is a great age so probably wouldn't want to move into sheltered accommodation where he would have other people about. You need to insist on more help and cut back a little on how available you are. Surely he doesn't expect you to sit all day and look at him?

He is a burden if it's too much for you to manage with your own ill health. You have to put yourself first, you may feel guilty thinking of it that way but you shouldn't. A burden simply means a heavy load. You should discuss with your siblings how to go forward, your father must not have any say in your decisions regarding his care. Appy for any benefits he is entitled to, to pay for any care, whether that's a family member or not, but consider your own health before his needs. Good Luck.

Sorry you are struggling but I understand I did the same for both my parents until my DF passed during Covid but until my DM went into a care home did same for her. I’m in my late 77s gave up so much of my time to care for them and now my DH and I have more time for ourselves he’s been diagnosed with cancer. Please get some help because you need it. Your DF has to realise that you can’t be there all the time and that you are not getting any younger. Even now I’m going up n down to the Care Home to visit my DM. I guess you feel guilty but trust me don’t look after yourself as well. Take care

Carers allowance is only paid to those under pension age.
AA is paid to the person needing help for them to use as they wish to make life more comfortable.

Attendance Allowance only paid if you receive a state pension. Carer’s Allowance otherwise which I believe is taxed but I could be wrong.

You very firmly tell him that you have your own life to lead and let him get carers.. How unbelievably selfish of him to expect this service from you both..

NannaFirework, why does he have to pay for someone to cook his meal; can't he operate a microwave.
that seems a bit of an extravagance to me.
if he cannot operate a microwave, then surely he needs other help with daily tasks ?
of course, i know nothing about it.
i do know what a minefield it all is . . .
good luck at not getting too drawn in.

It is not always easy - my siblings and I are in this situation or very similar…
Our DM has passed away recently, but did have to have paid carers when things got too much for DF (with our help) but we couldn’t be there 24/7 and DM had dementia. It was very hard on DF and he now is becoming more dependant on us siblings - we have broached the subject of paid care, he pays a company that cook his evening meal. They will indue course provide care(For DF) and cleaning (for DF’s house) but he is loathe to pay at the moment saying ‘we’ siblings will do it but we are all over 60 and some of us have medical issues too not to mention our partners / husbands and families !
We didn’t get much help at all from places which were advertised with our DM and DF is becoming critical And anti social !
You should as we will have to do, withdraw help and continue to pop round less for shorter periods - we might visit once a week on different days but there are 4 of us.
Do what suits you and stay well and look after yourself.
Losing out DM has taught me to look after myself!
Take care xxx

I've taken lots of your comments on board... Well done so many of you for all you do for family and neighbours. Will look at clearing out drawers and wardrobes next week. I don't need carers (yet) but would hate to be a burden to my family.

If there are three of you, that is 2 days each, a week, with perhaps the person who gets the carers allowance (for providing 35 hours a week of care) doing 3 days.
Surely that could be a starting point, as it is reasonable and doable.

welbeck

but OP you talk as if you are a soldier under orders.
you don't have to do any of it.
you don't need his permission to withdraw your labour.
you are in charge of your own life.
this is an unhealthy dynamic.

This, you need to jointly pull up your big girl knickers and put your feet down.

welbeck

you need to tell all this to your GP.
if any of you could get carer's allowance, i hope it is being claimed.
he will have to arrange and accept professional careworkers, (or gardeners, cleaners, housekeepers, laundry-person etc) if you all withdraw your labour and attendance upon him.

Carer's allowance is not means tested, it is need tested. Please be careful about how you do, there are a lot of sites who will take your money www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/how-to-claim

If your sister is getting carers allowance she should be spending 35 hours a week caring for him. Is she? I say this because the burden should be totally hers, 35 hours should cover everything shouldn’t it? I know it’s a paltry amount of money but that’s a separate issue.

At least there are 3 of you to share the care but when it’s too much then your father needs to accept at least some outside care to make things easier fir you.
If he is reasonably mobile have you looked at a day care centre fir one or two days a week. They will pick up in the morning and take home after with a cooked lunch and activities.
The local volunteer Bureau may have volunteer visitors who could come for an hour or two once a week/ fortnightly etc.
As fir being an unpaid carer, I think we all are if we are looking after family.