Care home ringing

My mother’s care home only if/when she’s had a fall. I’m seriously ill and the home is aware of it. My my mother will ask to ring me at least 10 times a day which they don’t allow her to do because she will just constantly ask to come to live with me. My dfa had dementia too and would insist that the doctors and nurses would have a party every night when he was in hospital. It’s all very real to them.

Before she moved to the care home my mother had been in the habit of ringing my poor brother up to 30 times in one hour. It was starting to seriously affect his mental health. She simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just spoken to him.

So no surprises when the CH asked if Dm would want a phone in her room - absolutely no way!

For the first couple of weeks she would be endlessly be asking staff to ‘ring my son’ but they were very good and would limit it to once a day - and otherwise pretend to, but say he was out or it was engaged.

We were honestly amazed, though, at how quickly she forgot about ringing him.

My father first became seriously ill some eight years ago .
He had undiagnosed COPD and double pneumonia .
He insisted that the doctors and nurses were talking drugs even injecting themselves with heroin and were having sex in front of the patients .
At the time , he did not have any sign of dementia .
We think that it was a reaction to his infection .
Unfortunately , he continued to believe that he had seen "orgies" and didn't like being admitted to hospital .
He used to want to discharge himself before he'd finished his treatment .
He was rude and insulting to the doctors , but was afraid of the nursing staff .
He didn't develop dementia for another six and half years .

I was talking to two ladies from my church on Sunday .
One is widowed , having looked after her husband and one is caring for both parents with dementia .
All of us had similar stories to tell and we all agreed that caring for people with dementia is unbelievably difficult and takes a great deal of patience .

Yes, I did have this happen and also my mother had access to a phone and they both rang at all times day and night. In my efforts to be a ‘good daughter’ I always answered the phone. I realised that especially at night, the care home calls depended on who was on duty.
Other life events at the time eventually left me very stressed and I changed my (landline) phone so I could see who was calling. (You can also see the contact numbers on a mobile) and stopped answering after a reasonable time at night. It’s very sad to do this but I learnt that they would leave a message if really serious and ‘just’ confusion wasn’t anything I could really help with.
I actually became very unwell after my mother eventually passed away, with chronic consequences. I regret not looking after myself better in those years she was in care. I would think carefully about how available you are.

Oh I feel for you. Sadly my mam was in a care home from the age of 90 because of dementia. I had my 8 year old son at the time or I would have tried to look after her. I can still picture her face when I used to visit. She died back in 2009 aged 99 years old. Over the last horrible years she had all sorts of scenarios going through her head. She used to spit at the grand kids and told me not to come back because I was nothing to her. I am an only child and it really hurt as my dad died when I was 19. It wasn’t my mam as the real mam had gone when she was 90. Try and stay strong but it is not easy. Maybe she has a UTI infection. Sending you love and hugs. X

Katyj, no you are not being selfish. It’s draining physically caring for anybody, and still draining worrying about them when you are not with them. My mum was fully able and lived alone after losing my dad. She telephoned me one day to say there were teenagers in her bedroom shouting at her and she was terrified. I rushed to her to find nothing and she complained that my dad had gone out without saying goodbye, and hadn’t even made her a cup of tea before going. I was mortified but realised something was very wrong, Dad had been gone almost 15 years. I took her blood pressure (usually normal) and it was sky high so she was taken into hospital. They discovered that she was dehydrated and this caused the delirium. She was in hospital for about four days on a drip but the stories when I went to see her were pure fantasy. She told me so convincingly that Michael Jackson had visited her, a full marching band paraded through the ward, and all were priests in full garb. As soon as she was fully hydrated and got home she couldn’t believe the things she’d talked about. From then on she kept water beside her and took sips even when not thirsty and it never happened again. I don’t think e revise how important it is for elderly people to drink enough water. Maybe that might be part of your mum’s issue? Could be worth checking.

Typos - ‘we realise’

I can't believe the 'Care' Home would contact you in this way Katyj the staff are there supposedly to care for the people living there not pass the buck to relatives.
I would make it clear to them in what circumstances you would wish to be contacted. I was the manager of a residential home in a previous life and would ensure the staff teams were trained to deal with these situations.
I hope things improve for you and your Mum.

Purplepixie 💐.

I have worked night shifts on a dementia unit in a care home, where quite a few residents wandered at night.

They are confused as to which room is theirs and will often go into someone else’s room.

On more than one occasion we had to redirect residents back to their own rooms. So you’re dm may be telling the truth when she says about someone being in her room.

We had one gentleman who raided everyone’s room for sweets and biscuits. We had to hide everyone’s things away especially after Christmas,Easter and birthdays when gifts were brought in.

One lady always raided rooms for jewellery to wear. She would come down the corridor wearing about ten necklaces. Then we had to try and work out whose was who’s She’d do the same with clothes.

They often used each others toilet as well. Despite being shown the bathrooms in the corridor numerous times daily.

That’s what happens on a dementia ward,I’m sorry to say your dm is probably right.

Sorry forgot to say we wouldn’t have rung you. We would have dealt with ourselves by talking to her and yes offering a cup of tea, or even bringing her out into the lounge to be with us so we could chat to her,to take her mind off what was bothering her.

I have heard it said that these paranoid thoughts can come on at night/evening or 'sundowner' and might be controlled by a level of mediation but that would have side effects so a judgement call. Something to discuss with medics.

I would advise you to contact the care home and say you would like an appointment with the manager and the care staff who usually look after your mum in the evenings and at night.

Point out, that while you know she is in a care home, not a brothel, and that presumably no-one is trying to creep into her bed (although I did once experience an old woman who maintained she was in her bed, when she actually was insisting upon getting into an old gentleman's, always the same man's and only if he was in his bed. The s taff attributed this to her dementia.) it is distressing for you to have to try to calm your mum down over the phone long after your bedtime, and that some other way of calming her needs to be found.

They are after all trained to deal with this sort of thing, you presumably are not, and have placed your mother in a care home because you know this is necessary and best for her.

Try to get them to agree with you on how THEY tackle this, and ask them to inform you the following day after nine a.m. if there has been another incident of this kind. There is no point in both you and your mother being unable to sleep after all.

Katyj

Hi. My mum has been in a care home now since December she’s 92. She’s become more confused over the last few weeks we’re waiting for an assessment.
The care home rang at 11pm last night, saying mum was very confused and would I talk to her.
Mum was very upset, but not crying she said she didn’t want to stay in that place because it was a brothel, there were prostitutes there and a man would be coming soon to get in her bed. Obviously this is very upsetting for her and us. I talked to her for about ten mins but she still wasn’t convinced she was safe. I’ve hardly slept and I’m very upset but just thinking about how she must be feeling.
This is the second time they’ve called when I’m in bed. Has anyone else had this happen. I had hoped the carers would be used to this scenario and be able to deal with it better.

I can relate to you on the brothel/prostitute level.
My mum had mixed dementia (Alzheimer's and Vascular) and was convinced I was a prostitute, having parties in her house when she was living with us. She said she had to leave money for Johnny (the pimp) under the front door mat and we regularly had to check and retrieve the money.
This was very upsetting to start with but then we just went along with it.
I found that gritting my teeth and playing along was the best thing to do. This made it all more palatable.
I am very sorry you are suffering with the care home though, maybe they should be more adept at handling these situations?

Check her meds and research what the side effects are…..have they changed or been upped?

My Mum died when she was 100 in a
Nursing home. She had been there for 4 years. She fortunately was quite content.
I worked as a Nurse in several nursing homes and never ever phoned anyone late at night or indeed during the day because a patient was upset because of confusion. It was my job to deal with situations of upset and distress, like these.

FiL who had vascular dementia and lived with us for about a year before moving to a care home, would now and then go and stay with a BiL and SiL for a few days, to give me a break.

On his return he once told us that his trollop of a housekeeper was having men in, and sleeping with them, how disgraceful!

It took us a while to work it out! His ‘trollop of a housekeeper’ was evidently sister in law (who was home all day and did the cooking) and because he was in the habit of wandering about at night, going into bedrooms to see who was sleeping in ‘his’ house (he often thought our house was his, too) he’d evidently seen SiL and BiL in bed together and drawn his own dodgy conclusions.
Needless to say, we didn’t bother putting him straight - just made the appropriate noises.

Thank so you so much to everyone that has replied. I don’t know anyone that has been through similar so to helps to talk things through on here.
I went to see mum this afternoon and the manager asked to see me. The Dr came in to see her yesterday and has given a dementia diagnosis. She also said I shouldn’t have been contacted on Monday night, they don’t usually call unless it’s serious the carer was an agency carer and wasn’t sure what to do and mum was asking for me.
She has been given cyclizine an anti sickness drug in the hope that it might improve her appetite but the manager agreed with me it hasn’t helped and probably needs to be stopped ,but the Dr wants to carry on for a couple of weeks yet.
Now I know this , I’m sure it’s due , in part to her decline. I take the same thing when I have a migraine and one tablet knocks me out, mum is taking three a day and only weighs 6.5 stone.
Mum was in bed today, very sleepy, no inclination to get up ,
they said they would be getting her up for tea. Thanks again it’s very difficult when you’ve never experienced anything like this before it helps to chat .

Katyj if you are not happy with the medication perhaps you should speak to the Dr. and tell him your concerns, especially as the manager agrees with you. They dole out all sorts of medications. Mil had a small glass of wine to improve her appetite and eating with others helped as she did what they did.

My mum was in a care home they only rang when she was ill or had had a particularly bad night. More or less just to keep us informed.

My mum used to suffer from depression and was given pills of which she took too many. This I'm sure gave her delirium, the things she used to say were very bizarre. She even climbed out of a hospital window once. After a few weeks of hospital care she was absolutely fine

I’m going to ring the care home today and ask to speak to the Dr. I’ve been upset and hardly slept last night after seeing her yesterday. She was really sleepy and could only speak in a whisper
.I’m almost sure it’s the medication. Thank you to everyone that mentioned they may be giving her something different, I knew they were giving her the cyclizine now and again, I didn’t know they’d increased it to three times a day. Thanks again.

My husband is in a home with same things…vascular dementia AND Alzheimers…I often have to go quieten him at night ….i live alone now and no car and cannot afford taxis ….so I walk the 2 miles there and back ( sometimes In dark) ….my question is why would you NOT include your husband at this horrible time. Not a criticism …just a question.

The only times I receive a call from my mother’s care home at night is if she has fallen. She was attacked once by a fellow resident they rang to tell me and the home informed safeguarding. When she has a UTI which I think is quite commonplace as people are much older in care homes she does get very confused but she has dementia in any case. It’s not too bad and she can have a good conversation one minute and suddenly ask where her mother is! She’s on her way to her 104th birthday! I just go along with things when she’s confused I find it’s easier that way. Maybe they are agency staff at night at the home. It might be a good idea to speak with the care home manager to find out.

Saggi

My husband is in a home with same things…vascular dementia AND Alzheimers…I often have to go quieten him at night ….i live alone now and no car and cannot afford taxis ….so I walk the 2 miles there and back ( sometimes In dark) ….my question is why would you NOT include your husband at this horrible time. Not a criticism …just a question.

That is wrong on so many levels Saggi not least the danger to you walking alone at night. The Care Home is taking the easy way out in putting the onus on you instead of training their staff to deal with these situations. If anything were to happen to you who would then speak up for your husband and ensure he had the care he needed. I understand you love your husband and do not want him to be distressed etc but maybe you should take a more long term view. Please don't put yourself in danger like this.