Jeremy vine radio - carers item

Mt61

icanhandthemback

Mt61, we didn't use the care package staff as there was so much they couldn't/wouldn't/ didn't have the time for. We used care staff we sourced and paid them through an external accountant which meant we didn't have the responsibility for PAYE. It was a game changer. Continuity, times to suit us not the care agency and support for my mother's partner too when he was struggling. It may be worth a look at.

Do you mean a private carer, like private cleaners, they sort their own taxes?

You can get them to pay their own taxes if they work for other people and can choose when the work. Otherwise, you become an employer. This sounds difficult but there are services you pay a small amount for where you give them the hours they work and they deal with all the tax, holiday pay, etc. If you are receiving any money towards the care from Social Care, they must allow for holiday pay and those expenses. All I had to do was, once a month, send in the hours the carer had worked. We had 3 carers at any one time.

Mt61 So sorry you are having a hard time but there’s only you that can change things and you must. You’re not being fair to yourself or your family.
You need to get in touch with social services and look into receiving direct payments to help with your mums care. You can then employ who you like, and trust to help her in whatever way she needs.
I’m hoping that my info is not out of date, someone else on this forum may know more. All the very best to you all.

As someone who works for the LA as a reablement assistant, my advice to anyone sourcing a care agency be very specific about what you want them to do. Literally write out a job description for them and monitor that they actually carry it out.

After a major operation and 18 days in hospital, my DS put in place a 6-week contract with a private care agency. He knew that I can finance it, although there was an element of overkill in the arrangement.
I am firmly of the opinion that, if there is money available to pay for care, it should be used. It is so important that the AC should be able to live their lives without having to feel guilty or resentful over a parent's care, maintaining a loving relationship.

icanhandthemback

*Mt61*, we didn't use the care package staff as there was so much they couldn't/wouldn't/ didn't have the time for. We used care staff we sourced and paid them through an external accountant which meant we didn't have the responsibility for PAYE. It was a game changer. Continuity, times to suit us not the care agency and support for my mother's partner too when he was struggling. It may be worth a look at.

Do you mean a private carer, like private cleaners, they sort their own taxes?

Mt61, we didn't use the care package staff as there was so much they couldn't/wouldn't/ didn't have the time for. We used care staff we sourced and paid them through an external accountant which meant we didn't have the responsibility for PAYE. It was a game changer. Continuity, times to suit us not the care agency and support for my mother's partner too when he was struggling. It may be worth a look at.

It’s about 30 years ago but my late MIL had no time for anyone who wasn’t related to her. After a stroke she went to a rehab unit for a while. One day when I was visiting she was asked to go to the kitchen to practise making a cup of tea and a sandwich. She refused saying “ No I have a daughter for that.” She did eventually manage in a warden assisted flat but it was a struggle for us all. I and her 2 daughters were all working and she knew that we were all very dependent on our earnings. She ended her life in a care home when she genuinely couldn’t manage alone and then was very happy to accept the help of “strangers.”

icanhandthemback

*Mt61*, I am so sorry you are in this position. It is enormously stressful but you have to put you first. It is extraordinarily hard to tell a manipulative parent, "No," but in the end, you just have to. After all, if you fold under the stress, you won't be around for your Mum to have any sort of help at all. If you can help your Mum to get an alternative carer help in place, it should give you breathing space.
It is terribly hard to stop someone using emotional blackmail so the only thing you can do in those circumstances is to use the word no and keep telling yourself you are standing firm for the right reasons. I had a Mum who had a Doctorate in manipulative behaviour! Maybe the people who feel side lined by the amount of time you spend helping your Mum could support you to stand firm. My husband really helped by reminding me that I had a life too.
I say the same prayers as you sometimes. It makes me feel bad but Alzheimers is just a vicious disease and I am praying as much for the sufferer than me.
Finally, maybe see your GP. You sound so stressed and depressed that maybe you need some help.

Thank you. We had a care package but they didn’t do too much & not worth the money in my opinion, she might as well save the money & put him in respite often. There are other family members but do nothing.
I am already on antidepressants- gps dont want to know- they are under their own stresses.
I had a rant because it was my sixth time having to get up & go downstairs- I can’t manage as I need a knee replacement.
Yes something is going give for sure.

I’ve already said to my two adult children that I will be selfish and difficult in later life so they are to ignore it and ensure they live their own lives too. I would hate them to give up their lives for me. My mother who died aged 100 expected it but she didn’t get it. I looked after her, ensured she was safe and warm and fed, and then left her alone. She had access to other company in the retirement home - her choice not to use it. I had access via third party to her bank account and used it to buy in chiropodists and other services. The guilt was massive at times but I reminded myself that when my kids were little mum disappeared on tons of holidays and didn’t help unless it fitted in with her life. I’m glad she did that!!! She had a great life. I deserved the same. She’s gone now and I forget the hard bits. She was a laugh and had a good life. I celebrate that and am glad I kept my boundaries.

Mt61, I am so sorry you are in this position. It is enormously stressful but you have to put you first. It is extraordinarily hard to tell a manipulative parent, "No," but in the end, you just have to. After all, if you fold under the stress, you won't be around for your Mum to have any sort of help at all. If you can help your Mum to get an alternative carer help in place, it should give you breathing space.
It is terribly hard to stop someone using emotional blackmail so the only thing you can do in those circumstances is to use the word no and keep telling yourself you are standing firm for the right reasons. I had a Mum who had a Doctorate in manipulative behaviour! Maybe the people who feel side lined by the amount of time you spend helping your Mum could support you to stand firm. My husband really helped by reminding me that I had a life too.
I say the same prayers as you sometimes. It makes me feel bad but Alzheimers is just a vicious disease and I am praying as much for the sufferer than me.
Finally, maybe see your GP. You sound so stressed and depressed that maybe you need some help.

win

Never pay for a carers card, contact your LA and sign up for support with their carers organisation they will send you one as well as their newsletter and ongoing support.. Register with your GP as a carer and also your mother's GP. as others have said get POA in order both for health and finance. Has your mother done a will? A contingency plan and an end of life plan about her wishes. This is such easy to talk about now than it is when things are deteriorating fast.
Caring is emotionally hard as well as physical, so being kind to yourself is essential. Wendy Mitchell has written many good books, my favourite being One last Thing, I highly recommend it. You can go to the library who have a section of books about caring, all good reading. A carers group is worth gold (I run one) and hear all the time how the carers do now know what they would do without it) I walk along the carers to the end and beyond and we meet every week. Your LA will signpost you.
Hope you will be able to look back on your caring time thinking I did my best at the time, and that is all anyone can do. Our motto is "No-one understands a carer better than another carer" which is so true. To have an outsider who understands, to offload on, is worth everything. Carers UK have a brilliant website as have Dementia UK if your mother has dementia. Good luck.

Aye- if we aren’t all six feet under ourselves through the stress

I could cry when I read all these posts, I am there helping mum look after a dad with Alzheimer’s, I love him loads, but he’s a shell of a man, I have started to pray every night for him to die.
He has been in care but mum has taken him home. She doesn’t want last of their savings to go on care homes that really don’t give a dam- apart from printing money. I have worked in private & s/s homes, I know how they tick. Great homes are few & far between.

It’s easy to keep saying look after yourself, make time for yourself, how?
I have my own husband & home to look after- I hardly see my grandchild!
It is taking its toll on my relationship but I feel beholden to my mum who uses emotional blackmail.
If the money & house go, so be it!
The way I feel I could walk under a bus- I don’t give a shit anymore.
This government needs to sort out the social care problem pronto! It’s not fair that someone who hasn’t worked, saved, gets it all for free.

Not sure if this is ok, but there’s an excellent page on Facebook called Carents Lounge. Not only are the members extremely supportive but between them there is a wealth of knowledge.

Never pay for a carers card, contact your LA and sign up for support with their carers organisation they will send you one as well as their newsletter and ongoing support.. Register with your GP as a carer and also your mother's GP. as others have said get POA in order both for health and finance. Has your mother done a will? A contingency plan and an end of life plan about her wishes. This is such easy to talk about now than it is when things are deteriorating fast.
Caring is emotionally hard as well as physical, so being kind to yourself is essential. Wendy Mitchell has written many good books, my favourite being One last Thing, I highly recommend it. You can go to the library who have a section of books about caring, all good reading. A carers group is worth gold (I run one) and hear all the time how the carers do now know what they would do without it) I walk along the carers to the end and beyond and we meet every week. Your LA will signpost you.
Hope you will be able to look back on your caring time thinking I did my best at the time, and that is all anyone can do. Our motto is "No-one understands a carer better than another carer" which is so true. To have an outsider who understands, to offload on, is worth everything. Carers UK have a brilliant website as have Dementia UK if your mother has dementia. Good luck.

I think parents who expect their children to care for them in a society where these things are accesible and mostly affordable if not free, are very selfish pure and simple.

I intend to have a chat with my children as I get older about what I do and don't expect them to do for me. It should also be equally shared because it isn't fair to have one sibling shouldering the burdens though this seems to be what often happens.

I would much prefer them to come and have a cuppa and a chat and take me out somewhere than for them to cut my toenails for heaven's sake. I am struggling with this task now so already pay someone else to do it!

A very good book to help you find out what you need to do in order to protect yourself is "The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone."

There is also www.carerscarduk.co.uk who send you a weekly newsletter with articles about coping with caring from all different aspects which I have found helpful. It also gives you discounts when you sign up but I have never used them.

maddyfour

Still
katyj and dickens give good advice based on experience.
My mum was open to paying for a podiatrist and I used to take her to her appointments. She liked my husband and I to do things for her and we did. She ended up in a care home for the last year of her life and I visited her every day. Even that felt like a huge commitment and at times I wished it would end, but then I felt terrible when it actually did end. I miss her a lot.

We’re only human after all, like the song says and no need to feel guilty as there’s a limit to caring for a family member which a person can quickly reach.
If the Mum has money then things like a podiatrist is a must and the Mum has to accept it.

Our niece, 60 next year, cares for her mother who is 86, she contacted Age UK and they arranged for somebody to call at their house every week, she takes our sister-in-law out shopping and for lunch giving her daughter a well earned break. Power of Attorney is a good idea, you can get them for health which is advisable and finance which is desirable. In the case of our niece and her mother since she is the only child they opened a joint bank account. I cared for my mother, she lived with us for three years and it was not a happy time in my life, I am a positive person but my mother was very negative about everything and she also did the emotional blackmail which is traumatic.

There are often long discussions on Mumsnet about the extent to which adult children should (or should not) be guilted into looking after elderly parents. Especially when those parents were not particularly nice to them as children. Or where the parents have money but dont want to spend it on professional care and seek to turn their children into skivvies.

Usually there is one child who gets lumbered. Either because they live near or because they are the female and siblings are male.

One of the main reasons I chose to leave my home city when I decided to go to uni as a mature student was to put distance between myself and a mother who was becoming increasingly needy. As the childfree daughter I was determined that I was not going to be turned into an unpaid nurse. Instead it fell on my sister - who was the golden child when we were young.

Sometimes you pay very dearly for being the Golden Princess. Its better to be the black sheep.

It is hard to say no to your parents, but as your mother sounds to be mentally all there you may be able to get her to understand that some tasks are physically beyond you.

As you can get a podaitrist to come, you should do so, as it is inadvisable to cut other peoples' toe nails if you haven't the necessary training.

Unkind as it may seem, you may jjust have to organise the help you can get, with carers to take care of the days you cannot manage, or to see to mother's personal hygiene, whilst you do her shopping and washing.

A hairdresser will also come in as and when requested.

And do get a provisional power of attorny made, if your mother hasn't already done so, so if her mental acuity deteriorates or banking systems change, you are not left unable to access her current account.

Please be kind to yourself. Its so difficult I know. I gave my job to care for my mum who had dementia, after my dad died suddenly.

As an only child it was left to me to manage every aspect of mum's life and I struggled daily, feeling VERY resentful which took a toll on my health.

I had a shoulder impingement in one shoulder, needing injecting; a year later a frozen shoulder in the other shoulder, which my consultant refused to operate on when I said I was a carer for mum, as it would have meant my arm strapped to my body for weeks while it healed. So I had ultrasound guided steroid injections, plus 10 weeks of both physiotherapy and hydrotherapy - thank god my husband had private health insurance cover for me through his work.
Fast forward a year and I had to have my gallbladder out.
All stress related.
It all seems a blur looking back. I was on 'automatic pilot' most of the time. I did ask my GP for anti-depressants but didn't feel any different after 6 months of taking them.

Mum went into a care home where she lived the last 6 months of her life. I told her that her bungalow was being repaired/decorated (it wasnt) as she used to ask to go home.
One thing I did notice was the other residents in the home were nowhere near as advanced with their dementia as mum was. I was so fixated in 'doing the right thing/what would people think if I put her in a home', that I blindly kept going, day after day when perhaps we both would have been more content had she moved in a care home earlier.

Good Luck

Coconut. I used to get the stories about how everyone’s families are so close and would do anything for each other. Then I found out one particular family had moved 400 mile away. Mum then said well they must have a reason !
I begged my mum to go into care it wasn’t safe at home for her she was lonely and depressed. But no she wouldn’t hear of it.
At 92 she was taken in to hospital, it was their decision to send her into care I’ve never been so relieved. Mum was okay but never really settled. She died six month later.
You must carry on enjoying your life. Her younger self would have wanted that for you.

My mums 94 and has tried to manipulate me with stories of what a dutiful daughter her cousin has, who has given up her own life to be a full time carer to her mum. My response was that no decent, caring mother would want or expect any AC to give up their life for them. Help yes, but not coercive control, trying to make you feel guilty if you don’t comply.
One of mums issues was living alone after Dad died. I said we all have choices in life, she could sell up and go in warden assisted living and have company …. She won’t move. So I said that her choice to stay in her home, comes with loneliness. It’s a fact. I say everything with kindness and compassion, however, I do have to be assertive as I have my own life to lead, adult children, grandchildren, my friends and my passion for travelling…… and I am allowed to live my own life. Good luck

Thank you all for your help and advice - I feel in a much better place to handle the health care issues that mum will face in the coming years and to stand firm on my boundaries. 🥰

Katyj

I miss her so much and wish I’d have visited more often.
.