Jeremy vine radio - carers item

Please make sure you have all the benefits to which you are both entitled. And check what help there is in terms of befriending in your area. Local churches, village volunteer groups etc.

Do you need to do the tasks that you don’t want to do? Is it financially difficult or does she want you rather than someone else?
It will, I imagine, be easier to deal with her expectations at the beginning of your new relationship rather than further down the road.

Hi. I had this problem with my mum. She only wanted me, I’m an only one too, I found it very difficult to say no.
I was very reluctant to cut mums toe nails I was so worried about catching her skin. We had endless arguments about it, the NHS don’t do home visits now, unless their diabetic, or bedridden, and mum wouldn’t pay for a podiatrist. It wasn’t until she went into the care home that she had them done, the charge was put on a bill unbeknown to her.
I suffered from awful guilt and anxiety for years because of this. Please set your boundaries and stick to them. Not easy I know.

Katyj

Hi. I had this problem with my mum. She only wanted me, I’m an only one too, I found it very difficult to say no.
I was very reluctant to cut mums toe nails I was so worried about catching her skin. We had endless arguments about it, the NHS don’t do home visits now, unless their diabetic, or bedridden, and mum wouldn’t pay for a podiatrist. It wasn’t until she went into the care home that she had them done, the charge was put on a bill unbeknown to her.
I suffered from awful guilt and anxiety for years because of this. Please set your boundaries and stick to them. Not easy I know.

Please set your boundaries and stick to them. Not easy I know.

Wise words.

When older people become dependent on others, they are frequently quite selfish. Understandable in a way because their needs dominate their lives at that point.

The parent or spouse who refuses to pay (assuming they can afford it) for (example) a podiatrist to cut their toenails. Or refuses that care because they want you to do it, not a 'stranger'.

It does not occur to them that you, the carer, also have needs - and a life to lead, however disjointed that life might have become as a carer.

I'm not speaking out-of-turn, I'm in a similar position with my OH, but I have set those boundaries. I am 82 years old, have complex (and painful) medical conditions, and I manage every single aspect of my partner's life as well as managing all that is involved in running a household, all the maintenance, the admin - everything that needs doing is done by me.

There are some things I absolutely refuse to do - things that my OH - with patience and the will - can manage himself, and I insist that he does, at least, try to do them.

I have bathed my mother after 'accidents' etc but can't face her routine health needs ie cutting toe nails etc when I know we could ask for a podiatrist to visit. Her demands for days out/holidays. I have said I will always do my best for her but can't live up to her expectations. Anyone else face setting boundaries that their parent doesn't respect and how have you dealt with it?

Still

For your own sanity - remain determined. It's not unkind to want to keep a piece of yourself for yourself. You can still care with compassion and consideration, doing those things that you can do with grace and kindness.

I used to do my partner's toenails, a job I dreaded because the positioning was difficult and his nails are like rams horns. He agreed to visit a podiatrist when well enough to travel, and have a home visit when not - we can afford it. There are other things - which I won't go into on here - things that cost money, but make mine (and consequently, his) life more bearable. We spend quite a lot of money on healthcare but, as my son told me, "Mum, you've worked hard during your life, spend the money you have on making life comfortable for you both now".

If your mother does not respect your boundaries, you will have to be more forceful. But you don't need to argue, tell her as kindly as possible that you know your own limits and that you cannot go above or beyond them, but that you will always be there for her in an emergency.

As Katy says, it's not easy. But it is essential - essential that you are caring from a good place, otherwise you will become depressed, anxious - and ultimately resentful.

Dickens. Sorry to hear about your DH. Caring is the most difficult thing it’s so relentless and therefore very tiring.
You absolutely are doing the right thing, having boundaries and like you say, your DH gets on and does things for himself which can only be a good thing.
Your son is very wise to encourage you to pay for help you’ve obviously done a good job there.
I wish you both all the best.

We were in a roughly similar situation but, luckily, there were two of us as carers. My sister bore the brunt of the demands and expectations and I dealt with doctors and social workers. I had to take on the role of 'bad cop' and explain to Mum that she was putting my sister under unreasonable pressure. Needless to say it didn't go down well but I didn't mind her hostile attitude to me afterwards. Meanwhile my sister had an easier time with her and she eventually went into a very nice care home.
OP and others do you have someone slightly outside the situation who could tell your person when they're expecting too much?

I help look after my mother, have done for the last 15 years when she first started to have mobility difficulties. I live just round the corner for her so it makes sense but I have in the last year or so said to her that I won't be able to do everything and that on occasion she will have to ask my other sister for help now and again. It works and I don't feel as anxious or resentful as I used to feel before. I have been much better at putting in boundaries and sticking to them. It's made caring for my mother much more manageable and not so much of a chore. I wished I'd done it years ago.

Dickens - I am slightly younger than you but cant imagine looking after anyone. Your DH is lucky to have you. But you must look after yourself.
I have a daughter in her early 50s. If and when I need help, I will not be expecting it from her. She is a good girl but very squeamish and not a hands-on caring type. I don’t know what financial help is available for care, but I will not hesitate to use my savings to pay for help. I have told my children that.

Please investigate your mum's benefit entitlement. If you are taking on more, pay for help in your own life.

AgeUk have good benefits advice or will sign post you.

I can relate to this post . I’m the carer for my mum 89. She’s housebound due to mobility issues . We have someone who does her shopping and pops in when I’m away and will do housework and laundry but mum tells her it’s not needed 🙄. So I do housework , laundry , appointments and home admin . I’m local , my siblings aren’t , so it falls to me . Mum can do some personal care but can’t wash her hair or toe nails . So I take her to a podiatrist , which she’s happy to pay for .
Luckily mum is happy to pay for things and has the money . And luckily my mum has never been demanding regarding visits and care . She understands that I have a life and is grateful for what I do . Sometimes she gets cranky and cantankerous but I understand it’s due to frustration and the fear of not able to do things, she’s always been very independent.
My only gripe is that I feel my siblings should do more , but that’s another story.

Still
katyj and dickens give good advice based on experience.
My mum was open to paying for a podiatrist and I used to take her to her appointments. She liked my husband and I to do things for her and we did. She ended up in a care home for the last year of her life and I visited her every day. Even that felt like a huge commitment and at times I wished it would end, but then I felt terrible when it actually did end. I miss her a lot.

Maddy four. I remember you talking about your mum and how frustrating it all was. I could sympathise because I was looking after my mum in her own home.
At the time it seems overwhelming and very hard work. When mum went in to a care home last December I hated visiting because she was angry and unhappy there it made my heart ache, i went every third day.
I miss her so much and wish I’d have visited more often.

Katyj

You are so right. It is the repetitiveness of caring that can be so difficult. You can't have an 'off' day - one where you just skip things until the next day. It can be physically draining - and mentally, and that is even worse.

crazyH
I'm a bit squeamish, too! Unless it's an emergency, there are certain aspects of care that I simply cannot do. At the moment, my OH can just about manage his personal care, but if and when the time comes that he can't, then we will be using our savings for carers. Fortunately, he's fairly reasonable and does not object to the idea.

I think, in general, when it comes to care in later life, our adult children should understand that, as nice as it might be for them to inherit, we cannot wear ourselves out, make ourselves ill, caring for our spouses, in the final years of our life, in order for them to get a leg-up after our demise. I'm glad my son thinks the way he does - he's made his own way in life, as he knows I had to do initially as a single-parent, and he's made it clear he wants me to get us much out of life as I can. I had to struggle as a one-parent family and learn self-sufficiency and I taught him to do the same. It had its rewards though, hard-won achievements give a great sense of satisfaction... and, I did make sure we always had some fun days when he was still a child!

The care-system is a mess, fragmented, and difficult to navigate. My son's eldest child is now a teenager and is studying political science - he wants to, eventually, become an MP, and has promised that he's going to fight for a more equal and equitable society - but he's very young and idealistic at age 16, as many of us were, but he will always be encouraged by me and his father!

My sincere best wishes to all who are in caring roles. We are told frequently that we must make time for ourselves - and I have taken that on board, difficult as it is, it's not just that you need a break from the physical strain of it all - you need that personal space, it's good for the soul. In fact, I think everyone, carer or not, needs time to themselves.

Katyj

I miss her so much and wish I’d have visited more often.
.

Thank you all for your help and advice - I feel in a much better place to handle the health care issues that mum will face in the coming years and to stand firm on my boundaries. 🥰

My mums 94 and has tried to manipulate me with stories of what a dutiful daughter her cousin has, who has given up her own life to be a full time carer to her mum. My response was that no decent, caring mother would want or expect any AC to give up their life for them. Help yes, but not coercive control, trying to make you feel guilty if you don’t comply.
One of mums issues was living alone after Dad died. I said we all have choices in life, she could sell up and go in warden assisted living and have company …. She won’t move. So I said that her choice to stay in her home, comes with loneliness. It’s a fact. I say everything with kindness and compassion, however, I do have to be assertive as I have my own life to lead, adult children, grandchildren, my friends and my passion for travelling…… and I am allowed to live my own life. Good luck

Coconut. I used to get the stories about how everyone’s families are so close and would do anything for each other. Then I found out one particular family had moved 400 mile away. Mum then said well they must have a reason !
I begged my mum to go into care it wasn’t safe at home for her she was lonely and depressed. But no she wouldn’t hear of it.
At 92 she was taken in to hospital, it was their decision to send her into care I’ve never been so relieved. Mum was okay but never really settled. She died six month later.
You must carry on enjoying your life. Her younger self would have wanted that for you.

Please be kind to yourself. Its so difficult I know. I gave my job to care for my mum who had dementia, after my dad died suddenly.

As an only child it was left to me to manage every aspect of mum's life and I struggled daily, feeling VERY resentful which took a toll on my health.

I had a shoulder impingement in one shoulder, needing injecting; a year later a frozen shoulder in the other shoulder, which my consultant refused to operate on when I said I was a carer for mum, as it would have meant my arm strapped to my body for weeks while it healed. So I had ultrasound guided steroid injections, plus 10 weeks of both physiotherapy and hydrotherapy - thank god my husband had private health insurance cover for me through his work.
Fast forward a year and I had to have my gallbladder out.
All stress related.
It all seems a blur looking back. I was on 'automatic pilot' most of the time. I did ask my GP for anti-depressants but didn't feel any different after 6 months of taking them.

Mum went into a care home where she lived the last 6 months of her life. I told her that her bungalow was being repaired/decorated (it wasnt) as she used to ask to go home.
One thing I did notice was the other residents in the home were nowhere near as advanced with their dementia as mum was. I was so fixated in 'doing the right thing/what would people think if I put her in a home', that I blindly kept going, day after day when perhaps we both would have been more content had she moved in a care home earlier.

Good Luck

It is hard to say no to your parents, but as your mother sounds to be mentally all there you may be able to get her to understand that some tasks are physically beyond you.

As you can get a podaitrist to come, you should do so, as it is inadvisable to cut other peoples' toe nails if you haven't the necessary training.

Unkind as it may seem, you may jjust have to organise the help you can get, with carers to take care of the days you cannot manage, or to see to mother's personal hygiene, whilst you do her shopping and washing.

A hairdresser will also come in as and when requested.

And do get a provisional power of attorny made, if your mother hasn't already done so, so if her mental acuity deteriorates or banking systems change, you are not left unable to access her current account.

There are often long discussions on Mumsnet about the extent to which adult children should (or should not) be guilted into looking after elderly parents. Especially when those parents were not particularly nice to them as children. Or where the parents have money but dont want to spend it on professional care and seek to turn their children into skivvies.

Usually there is one child who gets lumbered. Either because they live near or because they are the female and siblings are male.

One of the main reasons I chose to leave my home city when I decided to go to uni as a mature student was to put distance between myself and a mother who was becoming increasingly needy. As the childfree daughter I was determined that I was not going to be turned into an unpaid nurse. Instead it fell on my sister - who was the golden child when we were young.

Sometimes you pay very dearly for being the Golden Princess. Its better to be the black sheep.

Our niece, 60 next year, cares for her mother who is 86, she contacted Age UK and they arranged for somebody to call at their house every week, she takes our sister-in-law out shopping and for lunch giving her daughter a well earned break. Power of Attorney is a good idea, you can get them for health which is advisable and finance which is desirable. In the case of our niece and her mother since she is the only child they opened a joint bank account. I cared for my mother, she lived with us for three years and it was not a happy time in my life, I am a positive person but my mother was very negative about everything and she also did the emotional blackmail which is traumatic.

maddyfour

Still
katyj and dickens give good advice based on experience.
My mum was open to paying for a podiatrist and I used to take her to her appointments. She liked my husband and I to do things for her and we did. She ended up in a care home for the last year of her life and I visited her every day. Even that felt like a huge commitment and at times I wished it would end, but then I felt terrible when it actually did end. I miss her a lot.

We’re only human after all, like the song says and no need to feel guilty as there’s a limit to caring for a family member which a person can quickly reach.
If the Mum has money then things like a podiatrist is a must and the Mum has to accept it.

A very good book to help you find out what you need to do in order to protect yourself is "The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone."

There is also www.carerscarduk.co.uk who send you a weekly newsletter with articles about coping with caring from all different aspects which I have found helpful. It also gives you discounts when you sign up but I have never used them.

I think parents who expect their children to care for them in a society where these things are accesible and mostly affordable if not free, are very selfish pure and simple.

I intend to have a chat with my children as I get older about what I do and don't expect them to do for me. It should also be equally shared because it isn't fair to have one sibling shouldering the burdens though this seems to be what often happens.

I would much prefer them to come and have a cuppa and a chat and take me out somewhere than for them to cut my toenails for heaven's sake. I am struggling with this task now so already pay someone else to do it!