How to cope when you have nobody

@MissAdventure I don't quite understand what you mean by that. Surely if you have children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces, nephews etc you are less likely to be
alone than someone with none of those.
I am not trying to be argumentative by the way. I just don't quite get what you mean.

I understand why you wouldn't understand, but my point is that these people - relatives, friends, are not going to be dancing attendance on you for the rest of your life.

Your sibling will have their own family, as will children and grandchildren, and friends too, will be spending time with their relatives.

That's how it should be, so at some point, you will be alone, unless you can guarantee to die before your spouse. (,assuming your marriage lasts)

@MissAdventure I see what you mean. I think I just need to accept some level of loneliness for the future.

There is being alone, and being lonely.
If you see some of the lives the people who live alone lead on here, for example, they are amazingly busy and satisfying.

I think that's the key - learning to enjoy what you have, what you can do, and where you find yourself.

By the way, I've not got to that level of acceptance myself.

I had a whole heap of things happen, and have gone from being a working, sociable person, with a mum, daughter, fiance, and friends, to an old disabled fart.

MissA don’t knock yourself you are a funny and much loved part of this community
strawberries you would do well to listen to MissA and others who have had equally black times ( much worse than you in many cases)
You have a job, a fiancée and what sounds like a home the rest needs to go and fiddle for now
You can have a huge family and ‘not belong’ or you can lose your love and support in a blink of your eye
Be thankful for what you have now, make new friends, new memories, do new things, do not think a thing about tomorrow because I can assure tomorrow will be here in a flash and suddenly everything’s gone
Live by a new mantra
‘Take care of today, tomorrow may never come’

I think you need to discuss your feelings with a professional person love as I feel you are suffering from extreme anxiety, I have couple of friends in late twenties who are actually on their own No partner and aren’t thinking like you, there is planning for the future yes and I understand looking forward is a good thing, but yours is the extreme at such a young age. The way you are thinking is spoiling the stage you are in now the last thing you should be thinking about is this.. when you say but if you have children grandchildren etc you are less likely to be alone, I know what you mean to a point, but we can’t live our life through our children they have their own lives to lead, or expect others to always be there, I think you need to put it all into perspective and not to be worrying like this you are wishing your young life away

You are toan extent catastrophising

sorry.. you are to an extent catastrophizing and this can lead to anxiety and depression.. because you are trying to predict your future..
I would go to see your GP to discuss whether you can be prescribed a CBT or Mindfulness Course.. and whether you actually have anxiety that could be helped with a prescription..

I think the main thing at your young age is to sensibly plan ahead as you seem to be doing, but stay open minded and open to change and opportunities as they arrive.
We have friends whose only children are disabled ( like ours) and need lifelong support, so planning for their future is part of our life planning. Yes you can appoint solicitors with POA- it costs to set up ( a couple of hundred pounds) and to revise.
Friends can become your chosen family and support you as you will them. Early financial planning may help you feel less worried.

Stop reading about later life being so lonely. Try reading about happy communities of older people enjoying life and being well supported. These places exist. I visit one twice a week as a volunteer assistant like it so much and hope to end my days there in the distant future.

Not assistant - just and

I am an only child and my husband's sister died young so I was "responsible" for helping my parents and now, his.
It was not something I'd thought about really until it happened. It was emotionally draining when my parents died. Especially the first (my father) because my mother was 5 hours drive away and I worried about her.

If you are still in your 30s I'm assuming you already have decided not to (or maybe aren't able) to raise a family of your own. This makes parents easier in some ways. We had a big family and juggling the children was tough.
Being an "only one" meant my choices were my own. I have friends who argued about caring for elderly parents and I think it was easier to be just me.

I think you and your husband are a team and it's unfair to shut him out of your worries.
Would you be upset if he had something concerning that he wasn't sharing with you.

Do you have friends?
What do they say about your fears?

I feel the need to add that as an only child I have been very happy.
I only felt alone briefly when my mother died.
I never missed siblings. I had plenty of close friends.

One of my daughters has one child. I am certain she won't have another.
This granddaughter is perfectly lovely, kind and generous. She has a great life and is very loved.

Not all solo children feel bereft!

I am grateful for my (loving and kind) parents who loved me totally and completely. My mum was 39 when I was conceived by the way.
I still feel blessed.

My husband and I have taken some money out of our pension funds and bought a retirement apartment in the same complex my Dad moved to after Mum died.
It's set in a nice garden, on a bus route and a 10/15 minute walk to the surgery and town.
There's a care team on site if required.

We're renting the apartment out at the moment but we know it's there if and when we want or need to move into it in the future.
Several of my friends have been to see it and said how lovely it is, and how sensible we are!

I should add my Mum died with Alzheimer's at 85 and Dad (93) currently has vascular dementia.

My in-laws (one died at 90 and one currently 97) were/have not been diagnosed but my husband is convinced the same applies to them.

Is there a genetic link?
Or are we all physically living so long it's more evident these days?

strawberries you are in the grip of extreme anxiety with obsessive thoughts and ruminating which is exhausting. Been there myself and my elder DD also suffers from it. You constantly seek reassurance but then there's always a 'yes, but what if...?' Being trapped in those constant painful thoughts and resulting panic severely impacts your ability to engage with the present moment. It's not something you can just stop doing, is it? I bet you would if you could.
So....I have found mindfulness meditation a help in the past but in conjunction with a low dose antidepressant and anti anxiety med. It might be worth considering. See your GP again and tell them your obsessive thoughts are very distressing and you need help and maybe therapy to deal with your anxiety. Don't be fobbed off. Consider asking for a referral to a psychiatrist because they are able to diagnose and refer you on to appropriate treatment. GPs tend to be jacks of all trades, but if offered meds it might be worth a go in order to see if they bring any relief. You deserve a life. You, and your partner. You can then talk again with perspective rather than panic about the possibility of having a child if that is what you both want. We can't predict the future. We only have NOW, and it's important to make now count, make it matter, make it meaningful.
Share your fears with your partner. Tell them you are struggling with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and you value their support and help in dealing with it. In doing that, you'll have reached out, with courage, and that in itself will be a good first step in facing your fears. Gradually, they will lose their sting if you take action.
You can do this. Take tiny steps, partner first, GP next, preferably WITH partner so you feel supported. ❤️

Strawberriesandpears why are you worrying about the distant future. You say you are in your 30's live for the now and not the what ifs. You are missing out on living your life to the full.
Even when my husband was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years to live it didn't stop us living our lives to the full. After the cancer was removed only me and our children knew he wouldn't live . He died 4 days after his 47th birthday in 2004.

The irony of it was my husband was fit and healthy and got cancer and yet I was born disabled and still living my life to the full at 66. I have no intention of growing older gracefully . My mom always said older never old.

There is nothing stopping you living your life to the full. None of us knows how long we have to live. So we must live each day to the full. You have no one dependant you so stop worrying about the future or you will miss the now .

You need some help with your anxiety. Worrying like this and fearing for your future is something that should concern you when you reach my age!! I am sad you are feeling like this but please enjoy your life and don't wreck it by all this worry.

Thinking ahead is not something to joke about. Many people put off thinking about their pension until it's too late. Thinking about care in old age is sensible, especially as our brilliant politicians have utterly failed to deal with it over several decades and now Labour have kicked it into the long grass for several more years. I've no doubt the Tories would fail yet again and I shudder to think what Reform would do.

There is sensibly thinking about it, and spending most of your waking life in a state of panic and anxiety about it.

Not the same thing at all.

Strawberries
What about doing some voluntary work
Perhaps something physical so you will be tired and sleep better.
A soup kitchen run maybe or day centre for the homeless.

Rowantree

strawberries you are in the grip of extreme anxiety with obsessive thoughts and ruminating which is exhausting. Been there myself and my elder DD also suffers from it. You constantly seek reassurance but then there's always a 'yes, but what if...?' Being trapped in those constant painful thoughts and resulting panic severely impacts your ability to engage with the present moment. It's not something you can just stop doing, is it? I bet you would if you could.
So....I have found mindfulness meditation a help in the past but in conjunction with a low dose antidepressant and anti anxiety med. It might be worth considering. See your GP again and tell them your obsessive thoughts are very distressing and you need help and maybe therapy to deal with your anxiety. Don't be fobbed off. Consider asking for a referral to a psychiatrist because they are able to diagnose and refer you on to appropriate treatment. GPs tend to be jacks of all trades, but if offered meds it might be worth a go in order to see if they bring any relief. You deserve a life. You, and your partner. You can then talk again with perspective rather than panic about the possibility of having a child if that is what you both want. We can't predict the future. We only have NOW, and it's important to make now count, make it matter, make it meaningful.
Share your fears with your partner. Tell them you are struggling with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and you value their support and help in dealing with it. In doing that, you'll have reached out, with courage, and that in itself will be a good first step in facing your fears. Gradually, they will lose their sting if you take action.
You can do this. Take tiny steps, partner first, GP next, preferably WITH partner so you feel supported. ❤️

very good post Rowntree

Thank you everyone for all the latest replies and I am sorry I have not been back sooner to respond.

@welbeck Voluntary work is definitely something I am considering, especially for the future. It's just hard trying to fit everything in at the moment, as I work full time. It's a good idea though.

@Grantanow Thank you, yes I know I am taking it to the extreme, but I definitely think everyone needs to plan ahead for their life (as much as is possible). The care system definitely needs reforming, and it doesn't seem to be something governments are prepared to tackle. Probably because they know it requires money and raising what is needed would be unpopular.

@Shelflife Thank you. I so wish I could stop worrying, as you are correct that I am wrecking what could be good times in my life.

@Whiff So sorry to hear about your husband. Well done for embracing life to the full. Very inspirational.

@Rowantree Thank you, I definitely wish I could get out of this cycle of negative thinking. I believe I may suffer from OCD which is not helping, and is obviously hard to overcome. Thank you for your recommendation of mindfulness meditation and seeing my GP again. You are definitely right that I need to open up to my partner too. I guess I am scared of burdening him with my worries. He does know that I worry, but not to the extent that I do.

@V3ra Thank you, that's interesting that you have bought an apartment to rent out. If I could do something like that, I would feel more confident about the future, I think. I have found a retirement village I would like to live in when I am older, but I worry that a property won't be available when I need it.

@NotSpaghetti Thank you for sharing your positive outlook. I certainly appreciate that being an only child isn't always a bad thing and that siblings aren't always supportive.

You are also right that it is unfair of me not to share my worries with my partner more. I do have a friend in a similar situation to me, but I haven't yet felt up to speaking to her about my worries. I guess a part of me feels that if I say them out loud, they will be more 'true' if that makes any sense at all!