How to cope when you have nobody

Strawberriesandpears - you are a baby compared to some of us here - go on and enjoy yourself - life is for living

Stop worrying and enjoy life!

Thank you for all latest replies everyone. I am going through another bad patch of intense worrying. At the moment, it's the thought of my very final moment, dying alone, that is deeply upsetting me. I am doing quite well on the making friends front though - I have friendships which are growing deeper.

Try the local churches. Go to different denominations.
John:14-18.
“I shall not leave you orphans, for I shall come to you in a little while.”
And He will - “the comforter” holy sprit.

It will get you in the end, as it gets all of us. In the meantime enjoy your youth, your life and your new friends.
I am 76 and joined a table tennis group yesterday. It was fun, the people were friendly, I will return and hopefully improve my game.
I am not minimising your problem but if your anxiety is so bad, and I know it can be debilitating, please get some help.

You are doing really well making practical provision for the time when many of your contemporaries will be dead.
What remains is emotional support in later life. You can get this from a dog.

All decent animal rescues will let you buy a dog on condition that you return the animal to their care when you become unable to care for it yourself.

Strawberriesandpears

Thank you for all latest replies everyone. I am going through another bad patch of intense worrying. At the moment, it's the thought of my very final moment, dying alone, that is deeply upsetting me. I am doing quite well on the making friends front though - I have friendships which are growing deeper.

You sound as if you are suffering from depression.
Get help.
Nobody can “rehearse” their final moments whether alone or surrounded by grieving relatives like a Victorian deathbed scene.
And as nobody has come back to tell us what dying is like, what is the point of an overactive (self pitying) imagination.

Strawberries and Pears, contrary to what some people believe it is possible and not very difficult to control what you think about. The idea is not to empty one's mind but instead to choose something else to think about.

Nobody else can do one's dying so it would be best to accept that fact, and obsess about something else.

Please, please go and see your GP.

This level of anxiety at your age about end of life care isn’t normal or healthy.

You might need counselling or other help to cope with this.

As you are still young, is having a family totally out of the question? (Sorry if I’m being too personal and nosy and you don’t need to answer)

You're only 30, on Gransnet, and worrying about the future!

I am 81 and have lived alone for years. I have cousins, but they live in Ireland, and my friends are the same age as I am. I take each day as it comes and try to enjoy whatever life I have left.

By the time you reach my age, robots will be running around shopping and cleaning for you and, who knows, maybe helping with personal care.

Please try to get help for this depression and severe anxiety you have as it is ruining your life.

Thank you for this latest flurry of responses everyone. I appreciate that I am worrying about all this at a relatively young age, however I know it is something I will have to face at some point in my life, so I can't get it out of my mind completely. I think part of it is that I am just extremely sad to have missed out on having a family (either of my own children, or by having siblings, nieces or nephews etc). For various reasons, this can't happen now, and I worry that I am facing a lonely future.

Strawberriesandpears

Thank you for this latest flurry of responses everyone. I appreciate that I am worrying about all this at a relatively young age, however I know it is something I will have to face at some point in my life, so I can't get it out of my mind completely. I think part of it is that I am just extremely sad to have missed out on having a family (either of my own children, or by having siblings, nieces or nephews etc). For various reasons, this can't happen now, and I worry that I am facing a lonely future.

Hello,
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I do think a lot of suggestions on here are really good though, especially finding new friend groups or activities to keep you busy and feeling fulfilled. Also, maybe consider talking to your PCP about antidepressants, or anti anxiety meds. Even just seeing a therapist may ease your mind by having someone to talk to and validate your feelings. One other thing, it’s never too late to think about children still. I was 40 with my first, and 43 with my second. I got married late, but we decided we still wanted to try. When my kids were in elementary school, there were so many mothers my age actually. It is much more common nowadays. Good luck to you, and try to live in the moment, or you may miss some very special things in your life!

@VelvetVinyl Thank you for your kind message. Re children, I think being an older parent is fine if there are other family members about, but probably less so if there aren't (which is sadly my case due to my partner and I both being only children).

Well, whatever you do/decide, best of luck to you!

Thank you @VelvetVinyl

MissAdventure

By the way, I've not got to that level of acceptance myself.

I had a whole heap of things happen, and have gone from being a working, sociable person, with a mum, daughter, fiance, and friends, to an old disabled fart.

Oh MissA, you DO make me laugh! You are a real tonic and I love your posts 🤣

Try to find others who could use your time and help. Think more of others and less about yourself.

Macadia

Try to find others who could use your time and help. Think more of others and less about yourself.

That is a good idea and is certainly something I have thought about. I aim to be a good friend and support to others who may be in a similar situation lack of family wise. Also I would like to volunteer when I retire - perhaps in a hospital or hospice, if that is possible.

I really, really don’t get it. You’re in your late 30s and fixated on the end of your life, determined to spend the next 30 years saving for a nice retirement home. What a waste of your life! I too am an only child of an only child. I had my only child in my mid 30s. That was because I wanted a child (more than one would have been nice but not to be), not because I wanted a relative to care for me in old age or be with me when I die.

You really need to get a grip on this. See your doctor about this anxiety. Life is just passing you by, and that’s a terrible waste. I am 74 and can’t imagine having spent my life stressing about my retirement and death.

Strawberries and Pears, I quite understand your concern despite I'don't myself obsess about it.

I advise you ask at your local hospice how you can train to sit vigil with dying patients as a volunteer then when your time comes to die you can have someone sit with you.

Another strategy for you would be to investigate a good private care agency and ask if they can supply a care whose only function will be sitting vigil with you as you die.

There is a real need for such people as can sit vigil with the dying. There already is a specialist charity devoted to dying vigil in one Scottish area. You will find that many nurses and doctors are aware of this need.

Hello everyone,

I am back with an update. I have been working on building my friendship group, and this has proved successful, although I think another couple of close friends would be good.

My parents have been going through health issues though and this has intensified my worry quite a bit.

I still feel very worried, but I have been trying to tell myself that I am a kind and thoughtful person and that I do have value to offer the world, and that maybe somehow that kindness will be returned to me one day.

Being part of a large family or even just having one sibling is no guarantee of having close family ties. I have 3 siblings and also a big extended family and none of us keep in touch for various reasons. I agree with others about your anxiety and that you should try to seek help again. I wish you all the best and for a brighter (immediate) future.

I hadn't realised this was an old post or seen your last message before replying. It sounds like you are being more positive. I'm sure you are a lovely person and there can be good karma out there.

@ClicketyClick It's ok. I do still have a lot of anxiety, so your first post was relevant too. Thank you.