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Feeling guilty and incredibly sad about the situation my dad is in

(33 Posts)
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Sachalso Wed 28-May-25 21:03:21

10 years ago when my father had stage 3 cancer we made the decision to bring him across to live with us in France where he has lived with my husband and I and our 3 children. Over the past 2 years however he has become very difficult and we suspected firstly that he had sort some of dementia: he became confused, started accusing us of stealing from him etc. Unfortunately his behaviour got much worse and affected my daily life because I spent the most time with him and my health was suffering. I decided that since he could not go into a care home in France (he didn't speak French and he didn't want to go anyway), we would bring him back to the UK. I found what I thought was a nice care home and brought him over 6 weeks ago and hoped that he would settle. He didn't settle and had many outbursts because he hated the restrictions in the care home (they wouldn't let him walk out on his own but didn't have the capacity to go out with him for long enough). Last week he escaped from the care home and was taken to the hospital by the police. He is stuck in the hospital because the care home won't take him back until the social worker finds him a new care home to meet his needs. He now says I have abandoned him and that he cannot believe I won't go and pick him up straight away. He says he doesn't know whether he wants to live anymore. The fact is I am now frightened that his condition has worsened and I know I can't cope with it. On the other hand I love him so much and would like to be able to make him happy. Any advice or thoughts?

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mokryna Fri 30-May-25 14:35:38

mabon1

Well, in a way you have abandoned him. He considered his home was with you in France,you have deposited him with strangers. You will need to find somewhere that specialises in care for people with dementia. Why can't he be in France?

The difference between England and France is that the children are expected to contribute for their parent’s care home, depending the children’s means. I have been told it could be 3000+ euros a month, in the Paris area. The children usually find a Care home in the countryside where it is cheaper. Moreover, the parent’s home is usually sold to help with the costs.

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Jaxjacky Fri 30-May-25 14:44:07

How is he funded in the UK Sachalso?

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Sachalso Sat 31-May-25 22:02:06

Thank you so much for all your messages. I really appreciate all of the advice and will consider everything in my decision. It is such a big help also to read about people that have gone through similar situations with their parents in a foreign country. But also the kind words of support because it really is such a difficult and unique situation. This is such a great forum. Thank you so much.

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Sachalso Sat 31-May-25 22:06:25

He is funding his care privately. In France he would similarly be funded privately, where we are this would be €5-€6k per month which we would have to fund once his money ran out.

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Sachalso Sat 31-May-25 22:07:08

Thank you for your kind words!

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Sachalso Sat 31-May-25 22:13:23

Thank you. It is so nice that it worked out for you. This is very interesting to hear that it can work. My father doesn't speak French and rejected any suggestion of going to a French care home which is why we never considered it seriously. I also assumed it would be the worst thing we could do to him because he has quite a challenging behaviour (he can be quite aggressive and unreasonable).

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Oldnproud Sun 01-Jun-25 18:23:54

mabon1

Well, in a way you have abandoned him. He considered his home was with you in France,you have deposited him with strangers. You will need to find somewhere that specialises in care for people with dementia. Why can't he be in France?

The OP said that her dad didnt speak French, so I presume that is why a French care home might not be suitable for him.

Add in his dementia, and I would have thought that being in a 100% English-speaking care home would outweigh the need to be close to family who can no longer give the care that he needs

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