Change of Care Home Issues

My mum moved into a care home last November.She was pretty vile to us when we visited and I worried how she was with the staff but they said she was one of the most polite residents they have🤷‍♀️it took a while but she has settled now and is pleaser when we visit.It was a massive upheaval for her.The staff helped us and guided us and said to give her time which seems to have worked🤞🏻I hope your mum settles down.It is such a difficult time.

Oh dear. This reminds me of my mum so much. This is how I realised my mum was maybe beginning with dementia. She was living in sheltered accommodation when a Greek man moved into her block, they got on well to begin with, then she started telling him he wasn’t English, he became upset with her and showed her his passport.
He complained to me about her. I tried to explain but things became worse, she then said another neighbour had exposed himself to her and called the police.
To cut a long story short she went into a care home aged 91 there were all nationalities in there, staff and patients.
She became more intolerant of everyone and completely lost her filters, it was very embarrassing, all I seemed to do was apologise for her. The staff were very good with her and said it didn’t matter they were used to it.
Later on she thought she lived in a brothel and all her carers were whores. Terrible really as I’d never heard my mum use half the words she came out with, she was very strait laced never swore etc.
Just try and accept its old age probably a decline. She might be upset by the change, and settle down. The staff will be used to it, nothing they haven’t dealt with before. Good luck.

You can buy a special phone designed for dementia; the control panel just has photos of 2 people on her call list, and their names underneath.

Any change can be difficult to manage but my first reaction was a UTI- these can impact on the elderly in a far more disturbing way than in younger people.

I know this happened to my mum who had vascular dementia but was rarely confused to that degree.

Although the racist comments are not easy to deal with and it wouldn't hurt to apologise on your mum's behalf I'm sure the staff are used to being called all sorts of names and don't take it personally.

I would get a GP to check her out but also hope this settles down. The last thing you want to do is move her again for these reasons.

Seems to be a very good choice of a care home for all practical purposes.

Several separate issues.

*Your mother's bad manners if I may so describe her behaviour> The time has come that you and your brother make every allowance for her, and ' rise above' her rudeness , That one would hope is what well trained professionals do.

* Communications, Can you get her , and could she be trusted with , a radio connection with a care team independent of the care home? You could explain to the carehome manager that there are difficulties with land line and mobile phone ,and that the radio connection may work. I refer to those messaging services for people who live alone and may need help from an agency to communicate with a care giver. who lives elsewhere. Although the present care home is so good, it does seem to lack a way residents can communicate with friends and relatives.

* your brother may not be mature enough to be able to regard his mother as simply an old lady unrelated to him. This
capability is not easily learned , especially if he has his own problems.

An aunt of dh, no dementia, did seem to lose her ‘filter’ in her 80s - would make very audible racist or ‘appearance’ remarks when out and about. One I particularly remember was in a restaurant when she said at the top of her voice, ‘WHY DOES THAT WAITRESS WEAR SUCH SHORT SKIRTS WITH LEGS LIKE THAT?’
Talk about cringe!

I know it’s horribly embarrassing, but I dare say the staff will sadly be used to unpleasant remarks/language, especially if dementia is involved.

One deceptively sweet looking little old lady in my mother’s (dementia) care home would often talk to herself very audibly for hours, usually about ‘that f*cking bastard’ who had evidently been her husband!

Although she can’t walk, I assume she can be moved in a wheelchair to have more of a social life and join in activities? I too wouldn’t visit so frequently, it’s wearing for you and you need a break. Regarding possible dementia, that may be part of your catch up chat with the manager after two weeks, your brother needs to wise up a little and pull his weight. Older people can be blunt, your mother is adjusting, possibly a little bewildered, so unfairly I know, may lash out.
Good luck and enjoy your holiday.

I would speak to the manager and the staff and apologise for her behaviour, it is possible they will say it all quite normal and they are used to it but at least you have acknowledged it. Do you tell her when she upsets you? I would say if you are going to be horrible to us we won't stay, get up and leave. I am sure once you have done it a few times she will stop, hopefully. If she says anything racist I would also remind her that they are the people looking after her and she should stop and be nice to them and treat them as she wishes she is treated with respect. I honestly would not worry about the phone issue it gives you a break . Can you ask if she can have a wheelchair to take her into the dining area? It might stop her feeling so isolated at eating is much nicer when you have company, she might even make a friend .🙄

argymargy

I think you may have hit the nail on the head re: start of cognitive decline/dementia. Remember she has also experienced an upheaval in terms of the move and being in a new place with new people can be confusing and stressful for older people. I wouldn't worry about what she says to the staff - they will be very used to this kind of behaviour (unfortunately) and will not take it personally. I would give her time to settle in and relax a bit. I think your brother needs to be more understanding, so perhaps get one of the staff to speak to him about dementia and behaviour - it may be better if he hears it from a professional. Good luck!

Thank you! She is 90 and her cognitive abilities have been good until now, but yes this could well be the start. Or as you say it could be the upheaval of the move etc.

Thank you - yes you're 100% right I am panicking. The thing is I don't think I'm doing my best and that's hard to overcome.
In her other home Mum took a good few weeks to settle so we've been through this before, it's the venom she is now spouting that concerns me.
We're going away for a week in August, this could be a pre-build up to that, as she doesn't ever want me to go on holiday (we only go for two weeks a year, once in the summer and once in May to visit my eldest who lives abroad. She will have my brother to visit (possibly) and my son.
Yes I think you're right I need to not visit so often, others have said the same. I made a rod for my own back when she was at home with a live-in carer as I used to visit 6 days out of 7 so that hasn't helped at all.
Thanks for the advice.

I feel for you.
Yes, give it more time. My mum took a good 2 months to settle and subjected the staff to the worst of her temper in that time. All was well eventually. I felt it was the stress of the upheaval rather than anything more sinister, but everyone is different.
Not having a pop at you at all, I’ve been there myself, but your reaction seems a little panicky, not helped by your brother. You can’t work miracles, only do your best, which is what you are doing. This is very stressful for you too, so be kind to yourself, take a break maybe not visit quite so often while she is settling in. This takes a little pressure off of you and denies your Mum the opportunity to rant about the staff. You can increase your visits again once she’s settled down a little. Just suggestions. I hope everything calms down soon.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head re: start of cognitive decline/dementia. Remember she has also experienced an upheaval in terms of the move and being in a new place with new people can be confusing and stressful for older people. I wouldn't worry about what she says to the staff - they will be very used to this kind of behaviour (unfortunately) and will not take it personally. I would give her time to settle in and relax a bit. I think your brother needs to be more understanding, so perhaps get one of the staff to speak to him about dementia and behaviour - it may be better if he hears it from a professional. Good luck!

Well she's very good at drinking normally, although this is something I should check later - thank you.
We did go through this when she went in her previous home and I do remember a comment about being locked up. However, she never said she hated all the staff or made any racist comments, that is what is concerning me. I really can't see anything to dislike in the staff so that's what makes it even stranger. I said to her earlier in the week that she is never going to like or get along with everyone, the same for all of us.

Is your Mum drinking plenty of fluids? Dehydration can cause confusion and behaviour difficulties.
I do agree about giving it time - my mum was on the phone at 7 on the first morning to say she wasn’t staying in that prison!