Mum new to carers

Esmay

This is a very difficult period in your life and I sympathesise with you having gone through it twice .

My father couldn't stand the carers .
They were loud and talked a lot. He never liked noise and we always spoke softly in our house .
They used to make jokes and sing his name.
He laughed out of sheer embarrassment on the first occasion and they couldn't see how upset he was .
I'm afraid that they were awful -leaving the front door open ,nearly setting the house on fire and finally stealing .
I was happy to care for him myself employing a neighbour and her daughters to fill in with tea and chats .
It wasn't easy .
But I managed .
The one thing that I wanted to do was move.
If I could go back in a Tardis we would have.
This is really up to you .
Just be careful that you don't wear yourself out as I have .

Thank you Esmay,

I've a ninety five year old Mother refusing carers and demanding as she has always been So I don't worry too much I remember she has an alarm around her neck and she has chosen to not have carers I do a lotbut ultimately she is making life more difficult for herself than it needs to be

Yes — this is very common, especially at the start and with someone very independent or showing early dementia. Five days is *very early*; it often takes weeks to settle.

Refusal is usually about *loss of control*, not the carers themselves. Rushing can make it worse. Consistency (same carers/routine) and gentler pacing help.

It’s reasonable to speak to the agency about adjusting expectations and to flag missed tasks. You’re also right to set boundaries — not wanting to do personal care 3× daily is completely valid.

Tenko, this rings true with what families tell us all the time: it is rarely the carer being refused, it is the loss of control that is being refused. That fiercely independent spirit is exactly what kept your mum going for 90 years, and any help that bruises it tends to get pushed away. Our team designs around this by making dignity a safety feature, because help that is not acceptable to the person receiving it just becomes another burden for everyone involved. The slow introduction and familiar faces others mention here sound like exactly the right instinct. Wishing you both steadier days ahead.

This is one of the basic problems with carers going in. They have a rota ... a list of people to get round ... and there is no way they can arrive at the right time for everyone. This leads to dissatisfaction on both sides ... and all entirely understandable.

My late OH nearly always had dire need of the commode just after the carer had stepped out of the door.

She’s probably kicking back at you for involving carers, whether it’s you who has organised them or not.
Has she got them for six weeks?
My friend’s mum was the same, (dementia). Now she just accepts them 4 yrs down the line.
Maybe you will have to mention care home if she doesn’t co-operate.

This thread is 9 months old.

I wonder how things have gone for Tenko and her mum?

Sorry to say, that as long as you keep doing these things for her, she will see no need for the carers.
I know it’s drastic, but you do really need to stop replacing the care she’s paying for!
From experience I do know how difficult it is, but old people can be unbelievably stubborn - and selfish - in such matters.

Yes, how are you doing Tenko?
I do hope things have improved.