Gransnet forums

Care & carers

Page 2 of 2 | First | Previous | Next | Last
| Flip | Customise |

Mum new to carers

(29 Posts)
Add comment | Report
Tenko Sun 14-Dec-25 17:45:40

Hi, I’m after some advice for my mother , 90. She was in hospital for 5 weeks after a fall . She lives in a retirement development but owns her flat and now has carers 3 times a day . It’s been 5 days now with carers and she’s not being very cooperative. The morning one is supposed to get her up , washed , dressed , change wee pads and prepare her breakfast plus encourage her to take her tablets from a blister pack . Mum is refusing to get washed and dressed, is declining breakfast ,just a cup of tea and not taking her tablets. She says she wants to do things in her own time , however the carer is there for an hour , so she comes back at lunchtime and mum is making excuses for not washing, dressing , eating and taking tablets . If they try and hurry her , she gets cranky . I tend to go over in the afternoon and she’s in her dressing gown , hasn’t eaten or taken her tablets or changed her pad , so I have to do it. Which I don’t mind but she’s paying for 3 carers a day .
For those who’ve been through this . Is this normal when you have carers ? Mums very independent and when she’s had carers before , she gets rid of them after a week . I’m assuming it takes some time to get used to carers as it’s a new way of life for mum. Mum does have signs of dementia and is being referred to the memory clinic.
I’ve been her carer for about five years but I don’t want to do personal care , nor 3 x a day .
Appreciate any thoughts . Thanks

Add comment | Report
Tenko Mon 15-Dec-25 19:09:34

Esmay

This is a very difficult period in your life and I sympathesise with you having gone through it twice .

My father couldn't stand the carers .
They were loud and talked a lot. He never liked noise and we always spoke softly in our house .
They used to make jokes and sing his name.
He laughed out of sheer embarrassment on the first occasion and they couldn't see how upset he was .
I'm afraid that they were awful -leaving the front door open ,nearly setting the house on fire and finally stealing .
I was happy to care for him myself employing a neighbour and her daughters to fill in with tea and chats .
It wasn't easy .
But I managed .
The one thing that I wanted to do was move.
If I could go back in a Tardis we would have.
This is really up to you .
Just be careful that you don't wear yourself out as I have .

Thank you Esmay,

Add comment | Report
TakeThat7 Mon 15-Dec-25 19:21:00

I've a ninety five year old Mother refusing carers and demanding as she has always been So I don't worry too much I remember she has an alarm around her neck and she has chosen to not have carers I do a lotbut ultimately she is making life more difficult for herself than it needs to be

Add comment | Report
dhoni45 Tue 30-Dec-25 12:47:59

Yes — this is very common, especially at the start and with someone very independent or showing early dementia. Five days is *very early*; it often takes weeks to settle.

Refusal is usually about *loss of control*, not the carers themselves. Rushing can make it worse. Consistency (same carers/routine) and gentler pacing help.

It’s reasonable to speak to the agency about adjusting expectations and to flag missed tasks. You’re also right to set boundaries — not wanting to do personal care 3× daily is completely valid.

Page 2 of 2 | First | Previous | Next | Last
| Flip | Customise |