Should we be resentful about becoming a carer?

*AnotherBirdlady’, the case you quote, of a fall resulting in a hospital stay, is not what I meant by general caring duties. I meant the expectations of parents who won’t have outside help for normal, everyday things, either because they don’t want strangers coming in, or they don’t want to pay for it, or (often) both.

So instead they expect adult children - nearly always daughters, isn’t it? - to see to shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, transport to and from appointments, basically just about all daily practicalities.

Good points CariadAgain if you haven’t already Google AWOC Ageing Without Children.

One of the side effects of people living longer is that carers are also older and often not 100% fit themselves.
It concerns me that several posters have said they don't consider themselves to be carers when they obviously are. I hope this doesn't mean they have neglected to claim attendance and carers' allowances

Of course we “shouldn’t” feel resentful, but I know from experience how easy it is to sometimes feel a little bitter,

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

AnotherBirdLady I understand the point you are making but not all Children are able to care for their Parents. I have friends whose two sons live in Australia and another whose Son lives in America. So they wont be on hand to care to do shopping and cook meals. They are in exactly the same position as people without Children with nobody nearby to do things for them. This is when we need to arrange alternatives which will inevitably need to be paid for.

GranniesUnite and Usedtobeblonde, your lovely supportive comments have me on tears (the good kind). Gransnetters truly are best, thank you both so much xx

In tears, not on tears!

Usedtobeblonde

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

Correct. If you receive state pension you cannot claim Carer’s Allowance.

I don’t resent caring for my husband after he became disabled following a massive stroke, but I do resent how isolating it can be and how alone a carer can feel, as well as shaking my fist at the fates for letting this happen when we are both only in our mid seventies. I thought we had more time to enjoy together, to go traveling again, or to the theatre or cinema, it all just seems so unfair sometimes. But then I heard from a friend that her daughter in her early forties has breast cancer and it has spread to the lymph nodes, she has three small children. Such tragic stories make me get things in perspective. At least we had a good life for many years, and we have each other, it may not be as good but it is as good as it gets in the circumstances.

I would never resent being my husband's carer when he had cancer, but I do sometimes look back and think that was ten years of my retirement gone. Tens years that I hardly remember apart from the constant trips to hospital. On the other hand it was a lot better than not having him at all for that ten years.

Primrose53

Usedtobeblonde

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

Correct. If you receive state pension you cannot claim Carer’s Allowance.

you used to be able to claim attendance allowance though but I don't know if that is still the case

I have a young family member who has become fully incapacitated. The workload on their young spouse is unimaginable. After a year the spouse has only just gone back to work. The care that has fallen to everyone around us is intense and overwhelming and that’s with 24hr care.

I happily help with light duties, as the injured wouldn’t want more from me, however the resistance to putting this person in care from family is intense, and they are seemingly happy to let the young spouse drown.

Caring is the hardest job at that level. I wouldn’t blame anyone for complaining

JaneJudge you can claim attendance allowance which is not means tested. I got the higher rate for my DH. Would advise any carers to apply for this.

Correction the person affected should apply for AA but if they can’t, and my DH falls into this category, a relative/carer can apply for it for them.

JaneJudge

Primrose53

Usedtobeblonde

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

Correct. If you receive state pension you cannot claim Carer’s Allowance.

you used to be able to claim attendance allowance though but I don't know if that is still the case

Attendance Allowance is for the caree nor the carer. My husband gets that.

Warbler

When do you become a carer.......I'm sliding into it gently. After having to change the urine soaked bed for the second time this week and lug everything to the laundrette yet again, I am beginning to think.....am I the carer? We aren't married and really I wouldn't do any less for him, but it is a struggle.

Please, please make sure that you are legally financially secure should he pre-decease you.
So sorry for the situation you are in.