Lack of Carer's courtesy while in your property

It is really hard getting used to have carers coming in taking over your home. I had them for 10 years too like a previous poster, but I always insisted on being one half of the double up so they worked to me always. My husband would set the pace and I would give the instructions. I knew my husband better than they did and so do you. Some objected thinking I was not trained, but I was better trained than they were having been trained during 6 months at the hospital my husband was in for longer than I care to remember, to prepare me for having my husband home.
You say it is Marie Curie, which to me sounds like it is end of life free care is that correct? if it is, that is why your timings are different. If you are paying for this and it is just a normal domiciliary agency then you need to speak up. You should have a written care plan, which should have been done when they assessed your husband at home. They should log in and out on their phones and complete the daily care plan on their phones too. This is what they are doing in their cars. If you made/offered them a cuppa and they sat down having one with your and your husband they could do it in the house. You need to make friends with the carers not to resent them, they are caring for your beloved husband which it sounds like you are sadly not able to do yourself. any longer and good on you for realising when it became too much. Easy to get burned out for sure. Could you be part of a double up? If you play this right they will become your friends, I still see one of my favourite carers now privately for a cuppa and lots of them in town. They always stop to speak.
You have written the answer yourself treat them like friends visiting, but remember you are in charge at all times whilst they are there. It is your husband, your home and if you are paying you are definitely calling the tune. Good luck

regardless of the time they spend what time are they actually booked in for ie half hour or one hour?
is it laid down properly what they are supposed to do?
you should contact the agency it might be worth emailing them detailing what you are not happy with ie the bed making, the amount of time they spend, the using toilet without asking etc.

Why not copy and post your thread to the agency? (Perhaps deleting the bit about them using your bathroom to relieve themselves).
It states your worries clearly without sounding aggressive and should make it clear to the agency just what's worrying you, and you obviously are worried.

M0nica

butterandjam

* But what really upsets me, and perhaps I am being a little petty about it, that they all seem to want to use the bathroom for themselves before they leave (male & female) without ever having the courtesy to ask if I would mind first. *

They have just used your bathroom in the course of caring for your husband.

Of course , before leaving they must use the bathroom again "for themselves" to wash their hands; essential hygiene. I'd be shocked if they did not.

.

But surely they would be wearing disposable gloves.

There should be a written contract specifying exactly what services they will provide and over what period of time. They should not be allowed to use their phones while on your premises unless in an emergency.

If there is not a written contract demand (not ask) demand one and then make sure it is fulfilled to the letter.

Even if you use gloves, you still need to wash your hands afterwards. They do need to write up notes which are always on the phone, other than that they shouldn’t be using them. Depending on the arrangement you have you should be only paying for the time they’re there. There’s probably a minimum time but that depends on your contract.

www.mariecurie.org.uk/services/hospice-care-at-home is this what happened before they started OP

My mum used to complain to me about the use of her bathroom by her carers too, but generally tolerated it. I pointed out to her that of course they would need to use the bathroom at times during their working day, and it would be unreasonable of her to deny them that right - they could not be expected to return to the office every time.

But the same couldnt be said when carers working for the same company started popping into her house (without knocking, which was another bug-bear) when they knew Mum's carers were there, just to use her bathroom!

It's hit and miss I think. Carers came to help my mum for about 2 yrs, they once made the bed and when i checked later I found it was all soaking wet with urine, even the duvet - not happy. Some were lovely and some were worse than useless. One young man just stood there looking at my naked mother while the female carer washed her. I told him to sit down whileI helped her and told him not to come here again. I couldn't cope on my own anymore otherwise I wouldn't have had all these different people walking in and out of my home. Having said that, thank goodness for them in desperate times.

Re the minimum 30 min calls. If a carer is efficency and knows exactly what is needed they probably can achieve what is required in less time. Would you rather they just hung around until the 30 mins were up.
Yes using your bathroom may be an irritant to you but needs must and I would expect them to ask before doing so.
As for sitting outside in the car they are probably writing up notes or checking where the next visit is. They may have texts from manager about
changes to their rota.
Life doesn't always go how we want it to
sadly, but just think what would you do if they didn't come to help.

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TwiceAsNice

How long are they contracted to be with you ? 12 minutes is no time to help care properly for someone especially if they are hiding in the bathroom on their phone? Why are they sitting outside doing nothing?

Please phone the agency and clarify what you can expect, especially the amount of time . Explain everything you have seen. I may be wrong but I would have thought you should have something in writing regarding their service/contract.

I feel for you it sounds horrendous hope it improves soon

Are the sitting in their cars doing nothing?

Where I live, carers have to write reports after every home visit, and must do so in their cars in order not to inconvenience the family they are helping.

I understand why OP finds this so-called "care" insufficient, what I do not understand at all, is that on this and many other posts on Gransnet, I have seen people objecting to carers, tradesmen etc. using their toilet.

Why?

All mammals, whether humans or animals, need to urinate frequently in the course of the day. Cars are not equipped with toilets, so what do you honestly expect people who come into your homes to do a specific job to do? Very few towns are plentifully provided with public toilets, these days,

I too was brought up to ask, if I might go to the toilet when visiting, but from the age of about 12 found it embarrassing to have to ask. As the householder, I find this courtesy ridiculous - after all, I cannot very well deny someone the right to attend to his or her sanitary needs, can I? And it would be daft to expect them to go out into the garden and wee in front of, or behind a bush, according to sex!

Yes I think it would be polite for them to ask to use the toilet, your home your rules. As others have said rather than overly worrying about that concentrate on the care (or lack off it). Speak to the Agency about the care plan and make sure his needs (and yours) are being met.

I imagine the service provided in other parts of the country might be better but here it is poor we feel. I have spoken to loads of people who all say they got rid of the carers after a week or two mainly for the same reasons as we did.

Coming into the house with filthy or wet shoes and not allowed to wear shoe covers. Not completing the full time allocated. Crashing the wheelchair into doors and skirting boards. Not cleaning up after washing my husband. Spilling water and leaving dripping face cloths. Arriving at stupid early times to put him to bed or arriving mid morning to get him dressed.
It was much easier just to get on and do it myself.

We have had carers for my DD for three months. The first month was free following his fall, but we now pay £40 a visit (2 carers for half an hour, 4 times a day = £1,120 a week. The Attendance Allowance pays for 3.5 DAYS A MONTH!

I too am annoyed with some carers. Some sit on the arm of my leather sofa and have created a permanent dint in it. They bash the walker through the doors and have damaged some of the frames plus dislodged the carpet grippers in doorways so the carpet (not old and quite expensive) is now frayed. They often empty the plastic urinals but never wash them out - that is left to me. They used to make him a cup of tea but never offered me one!

They also strip-wash him some days but have not once washed his feet or changed his socks in three months.

We had only a choice of two companies and little information about either of them so just went with any.

It's definitely not a cheap option, nor particularly useful - he always needs the commode ten minutes after they have gone, so I still have to do a lot of the work needed myself.

Lately they have been tasked with supervising him to walk with his Rollator, in and out of the downstairs rooms. As he is getting a bit more confident with that we are thinking of cancelling them altogether and me doing the walking routine.

We are hoping that he improves at least to get back to his level of mobility before he had the fall 3 months ago, which mean he could get outside and into the car. Right now he has no quality of life and neither do I.

About using your toilet It could be that yours is clean and that they are going on to a patient with a very dirty house. I ve heard a carer remark on this.

I wonder if any of you have thought about having your help actually live in.

I know this is a big step but after experiencing care with my mother-in-law at £36 and £40 an hour it seems to me to be a good option at about £1000 weekly.

The live-in carers we interviewed and chose came on an initial 2 weeks trial and stayed if we liked each other (and if they needed a holiday they would come back again after a break).

The last carer before my mother-in-law died was expected to come back - they had really become obviously fond of each other.

If anyone wants more info please feel free to message me.

My mother-in-law's closest old friend had live-in carers for her husband years ago and for the last maybe eight or so years has had them for herself. She has the same 3 carers in rotation for roughly 3 months at a time.

This is what I would hope we would do if either one of us needed care.
I'm sure it would feel like a huge step but I do know the relief to know that for all but 2hours a day (the live-in carers have 2 hours a day off) there was someone kind and responsible to help my husband's lovely mum.

A friend had 2 carers visiting 4 times a day but they were happily using the conservatory for their lunch breaks when I so wanted my friend to sit there.
The care company has been reported by the ambulance service for safeguarding concerns as 5 hours elapsed before calling for medical assistance. So for any older person living by themselves, I am beginning to think that a care home might be a safer option.

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Primrose53

I imagine the service provided in other parts of the country might be better but here it is poor we feel. I have spoken to loads of people who all say they got rid of the carers after a week or two mainly for the same reasons as we did.

Coming into the house with filthy or wet shoes and not allowed to wear shoe covers. Not completing the full time allocated. Crashing the wheelchair into doors and skirting boards. Not cleaning up after washing my husband. Spilling water and leaving dripping face cloths. Arriving at stupid early times to put him to bed or arriving mid morning to get him dressed.
It was much easier just to get on and do it myself.

Yes I agree totally.
We had carers coming in a few times a day at first. They were different people every time and would only stay a very short time during which they managed to upset and agitate my DH because he had no idea who these people were. Only one wore covers over her shoes the rest tramped in with mucky feet and one managed to block the loo when she used the toilet.
Eventually I told them not to bother coming anymore.

Carers are only paid for the hours they spend with clients. They are not paid for travel time or travel expenses. If they don’t use your bathroom what are they supposed to do?

OP my heart goes out to you and others who have problems with a service which should,be caring to make your DH's and your life easier.
This is what in the near future will be for my DH and I am dreading it having seen the lack of care my Dad had from some"carers".

I have no advice, but just to send you my sympathy.

I care for my parents-in-law, in their own home, for six days a week, my husband does all their house maintenance and ferries them to their (many) medical appointments and on our one day a week off my brother-in-law visits. Effectively my husband and I are running two households.

I get carers in for one and a half hours a day to help me; initially this was for two days a week to shower my mother-in-law, then three days to include a bed change and more recently for four days a week to establish a morning routine. I decide what needs to be done in the time they have and regard the carers as my ‘team’ and they work alongside me. I know that some are better than others in terms of showing initiative, or in the way they approach my in-laws - and over time I have specified which carers I DON’T want to return and just today I’ve written to the agency saying exactly who I DO want. I ensure every carer is offered a drink and time to sit down and complete their task report before they leave the house. I honestly have no idea if any of them have ever used the loos and certainly wouldn’t care if they did.

My in-laws are both at different stages of dementia, barely mobile, occasionally incoherent or rambling - but they still respond to warmth and kindness. Some of the kindest carers don’t always do things quite the way I’d like them, but to be honest I don’t care so much about that any more, just that they’re responsive and warm and caring with my in-laws.

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It is also true, as Grammaretto found, that a kind and friendly person who is 5 minutes quicker (and may be less efficient) is better than a resentful monosyllabic one who stays over their alotted time.

The nicest carers we worked with were truly lovely people who made my mother-in-law feel as though she was still a valuable person.

A big thank you to them from me.
❤️

We also refused to have certain carers help.

My husband is content and at ease, and I am spared more labor since I have private and health board caregivers. It doesn't matter how long they take; as long as they complete the task correctly, it doesn't matter.

Stansgran

About using your toilet It could be that yours is clean and that they are going on to a patient with a very dirty house. I ve heard a carer remark on this.

That is exactly what the carers coming in just to use my mum's toilet said.