Does the maternal Grandmother have more clout?

I agree, Nanakate Sometimes new mothers feel that they don't want to appear useless so they don't ask for advice or help. particularly from a MIL. A spot of tactful suggestion, disguised as ordinary conversation, could give them a new approach to try.

And, just sometimes, pressreturn there really is a disfunction lurking which casts a shadow hidden from casual visitors but detected by other family members. To keep out if it in these circumstances is to become part of the problem.

The difficult bit is recognising when to bite your tongue and wait, and when to speak out.

It is so in all areas of life. Cast-iron rules need sympathetic interpretation to suit circumstances and individuals.

PressReturn are you aiming those remarks at me? If so you really have the wrong end of the stick, have taken a remark and turned it into something nasty. Perhaps clout is the wrong word but I will explain what I mean so you will realise I'm not a nasty boss cow that you have me down as toward my DIL. I never give unasked for advice to anyone. I do not expect to bring up my GC it is their parents' turn I've done my job well. According to the Oxford Dictionary 'clout' [in this sense] means influence - and I feel the maternal GM has more influence on her daughter, which is natural. All grandparents are anxious to help their children, not to boss them around I hope, and when asked, to give advice and assistance. I hope this explains what I had meant to say

Tricky word, clout. To some people it has echos of clouting round the ear 'ole so they take more out of it than intended.

Liked both your posts, elegran.

dorset, I interpreted your meaning of 'clout' exactly as you described it just above . I suppose I feel that any influence I have with my grown up daughters got into them long before they would have kids because of the way I brought them up and educated them. It certainly looks that way. They simply don't need me now except as a friend, and I don't feel any need to influence them any more. That was my job years ago when they were kids.

So I simply don't care if a mother-in-law has more influence or clout now than I do. Somehow, it just seems irrelevant. It troubles me that so many people seem to even think about this. It also makes me realise, yet again, how lucky I am.

dorestpennt I understand completly what you mean,I can say that my DD always listens to my point of view with regard to her parenting skills but she does not always act on it we however never fall out over difference of opinions with regard to my DSs partners they gravitate to their mothers in the first instance but still ask for my advice in certain matters,I did the same when I was young I always went to my mum as mr.g's mum had no interest in family issues she worked full time and mr.g was an only child whilst my own mum had 5 of us and was a stay at home mum so she was more readily available for help if needed.

I'm not bothered about having influence over anyone. As dorset says, I've done my job. How I would feel if my sons' partners weren't the great mums they are, I don't know. But I guess I would determinedly take a back seat for the sake of my sons and their children.

It is natural that a daughter is more at home with her own mother's parenting style than with her mother-in-law's, but most children have two parents. Every couple bring two experiences of parenting to bear on their own efforts. The result is an amalgam, which probably has elements that don't suit each grandparent in turn.

As most of the day-to-day handling of children is down to the mother, the maternal grandmother's approach is bound to be more dominant. I suspect mothers-in-law are more likely to feel that they would not have done something that way. That does not mean that they want to interfere, just that they feel that ......... well, yes, that maternal grandmothers have had more influence.

Thanks ladies. I was worried that after PressReturns remarks I had given ccompletely the wrong impression of being a bossy Granny - I hope I'm a helpful Granny and I, like all of us, bite my tongue if I don't always agree with either my son or my DIL. Especially as they seem to be doing such an excellent job of parenthood.

No, dorsetpennt you have never sounded like a bossy granny!

Come to think of it, I don't remember ever taking my mother's advice - unless I thought she was right, in which case it was, of course, my own idea. I certainly didn't listen to my MiL! She never stopped talking, so everyone just shut off.

One of the nice things I love about having a DD is seeing how she instinctively does things the way I did them and I did them because my Mum did and she did because her Mum did etc etc. One small example is Christmas traditions and it is so lovely to think of these treasured things being passed down the generations - my DGD will be the next to carry them on!

I do so agree with all the tongue biters posting on this thread though! It's best to wait until asked - and then only respond positively and tactfully I find!

I never thought to look in the dictionary. I thought 'clout' was dialect, I certainly heard it a lot in Yorkshire as a child.

We have to wait a long time to hear from our offspring that we were good parents. Since the GCs arrived I feel much closer to my daughters. They know now what they mean to me, they feel the same about their own children.

The tricky time is after the birth and the first few months. New mothers want to be perfect and even when they are carrying babies around in their arms when I would have got them sleeping in their cot, I still didn't say anything.

'Ne'er cast a clout till May be out...'

In this case meaning a piece of clothing!

Reading this thread again, I have to say that my dd's way of parenting is nothing like mine, and I learnt ten years ago to bite my lip and step back.
My son however seems to think I am the "fount of all wisdom" since he had a dd of his own! This can be very tricky sometimes when I don't know the answer when he comes for advice!

'Clout' in the sense of influence is presumably a metaphorical extension of its meaning as 'impact' (a clout on the ear, etc).

I think that clout is not what I have or want/seek. Hopefully my DDs were so well raised they know what they are doing!!

Seriously I think it is not a grandparents role to tell new parents how to parent unless
a} asked for advice or
b} a child is really unhappy or in danger.

I try to be available to help when needed.. to enable DDs to work to pay their bills as my mum did for me. I know I am lucky to live so close to both and that as sisters my DDs are friends and support each other too. Other GPs are near for DD1 and help when asked,,but normal for DD to be closer to me than to MiL and FiL!

I have always been more involved with my daughters children than their paternal Nana. I have never really seen much of my sons daughter and when she does come is very shy around me. I also feel more comfortable chastising my daughters children than my sons.

I have no daughters but have more to do with my grandchildren than my DILs mother had.
My son has been married twice, first wife's mother did not do much for her grandchildren as had family problems of her own.
Present wife's mother does as little as she can.DS and his wife and their two children live with me have done so for nearly 10 years.DIL works part time, I collect children from school and care for them in school holidays.DS and DIL visit her mother with the children about once a fortnight and return after about an hour.DIL's mother and her partner live 10 mins drive away.They volunteered to help with the school run when grandson started school.Only did it once as her mother's partner did not like driving in heavy traffic.
DIL speaks to mother every day by phone.
I am saying no more.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could choose our DILs - or they chose us when they checked out DSs. My now deceased MIL must have said that at some point. I should have looked more closely, too. My MIL with only sons and my DIL with only sister siblings. The MIL very harsh and the DIL always ready to take insult so I keep my thoughts to myself and you can't win that way either. Also different upbringing. My DD much the same sort as me and my DIL, just like her mother. GC also characteristics of DILs family as they spend more time there.

Being Canadian and living many years in the US I had never heard the word clout used as a 'smack around the ear'ole - thats why I used it. Sorry for the confusion

The way you used it was perfectly correct, dorset, but it is perhaps more a northern British usage than a southern one. I don't really think there was any confusion.

I'm a midlander and we used it too!

Which one, jeni? Or did you use both meanings?

We always used 'ne'er cast a cloot till May be oot', but the etymology for that must be related to 'cloth'.

All the meanings have the same etymology. See Chambers. There are at least seven meanings of the noun. All are correct.