Does the maternal Grandmother have more clout?

My DiL in Germany has a Kiwi birth mother, French step-mother and her own German ex-childminder all fighting over her & for supremacy. I said I'd be a good friend not another mother. It's bound to be a different relationship compared with my daughter - for a start the latter has no problem telling me what she thinks of me (good & bad). My interests are far closer to my DiL which is nice but childbirth & rearing views are closer to daughter's. I do make an effort to send emails etc just to DiL and she values this - no doubt the self-sufficiency is a bit of a front too.

Just a bit of feeling enters when I realise they've visited lots of the extended French step-family with new grandson & it seems harder to get them to agree to a small family gathering with our relatives - they dominated the wedding party too. But we are the easy going ones who don't pressure them.

GadaboutGran think sometimes I can be too easy going at times when there are 'demands' on time..Christmas /birthdays etc ..always end up fitting in with others' arrangements.. but anything for a quiet life eh!

daughter's mil lives hundreds of miles away so i do the day to day grannying.

i don't know if to wish for influence is a good thing. it might leave you frustrated! i tell the parents what i think, if i have an idea re the grandchild, and they make their own decision about it. daughter brings up grandaughter the way she was brought up - in arms, co-sleeping, breastfeeding on demand, lots of attention, but that isn't the way she'd planned to do it, just the way that works for them as a family.

'clout' round here means influence. in the past (say fifty years ago) it meant to strike someone, as in 'al giv' 'im a clout!'

In Australia it means both and it was perfectly clear what you meant dorsetpennt.

I am a very hands on Grandmother for all of my grandchildren and help at each three houses. It is interesting how my daughters and daughter in law all do things in a similiar way. My DIL does ask my advice sometimes and has said twice she couldn't have managed without me eg. Last year when I stayed for a month while she did her "prac teaching" and I looked after my grandsons, driving the eldest to school, cooking, cleaning, washing etc during the week and last February helping them move house. My son and DIL live nearer to her parents but I don"t feel left out and my DIL often mentions how youngest grandson often talks about me. My grandson"s paternal father is the one who is called on to help out if they need someone to get grandson to school if some appointment comes up and they need an extra adult as I am too far away and the other grandmother works full time.

One of my daughters had a wonderful relationship with her MIL, who now has dementia, which is very sad. They lived next door for several years, and I was living in France, so it was good to know the in-laws were there to give support. I had been the only grandparent to all ten grandchildren for many years and I became good friends with the new grandparents. They accepted my daughter's four children from a previous relationship just as if they were their blood relatives.
Sadly, my other daughter is bitterly jealous of her daughter's in-laws and has tried to out-do them in material gifts and encouraged her daughter to think they are showing preference for their own daughter's children. As she herself is too ill to babysit or child-mind, the paternal grandparents have been very helpful. They are also very kind and loving people. I have encouraged my grand-daughter to appreciate all they do and not to be influenced by her mother's need to be the most important person in her grandchildren's lives. (She is divorced and has no friends).
There seems to be as many different relationships as there are grandparents - the only thing we can do is continue to show our children and their partners that we love them and their children and welcome sharing them with the other family.

I'm on the receiving end of a (paternal) nana who has a bee in a bonnet about my role as a (maternal) nana - and I can't help but wonder if all this 'paternal v maternal' business is an just an excuse to displace responsibility on what is simply bad, rude and controlling behaviour. I think we have to remember that we are 20+ years out of date (advice changes), this isn't our 'show' and we're not key players - we have no 'clout' over anything. Although, personally, I don't think I want this thing called 'clout' anyway - I've had all that in my own child-rearing days and huge responsibilities that came with it.