Lil's Bar

Ok the coast's clear now soop's gone we can start the party!
I'll start pulling Lil's Ample Bosoms for anyone that fancies a slurp, Pete, gramps you can come out now....where are you?
Quick before they go flat!

I've having a scrub at the pumps....(is that the other name for Ample Bosoms)? They've come up a treat, and I've taken the liberty of pulling myself a small taster of Lil's best mild........(green smacks her lips and wipes them on her pinny).

I'd heard you were a bit of a scrubber in your spare time green . You seem to have done a good job anyway!

Oo, are we having hot pot with pickled cabbage? Count me in.

Wotta ruddy racket! 'nd that dopy Donald thought I'd got his tail -'e got my beard. Took three days to grow that did! I pretended to be asleep when that sexy soopy soo crawled under the table with me. Don't want no trubs wiv Mr Soop. 'Es much bigger'n me. an' 'e talks propper like -innit?
Where's that silly ol' so.....sidge Isiah got to. I see that Lil's make up box has gorn, leavin' a trail of face powder in direction of the loo! 'Siah -come aht of there NOW! Bloody 'ell, what the 'ell do you look like? 'n take Lil's skirt off. I don't know what the world is comin' to!!

gramps sorry to disillusion you but that isn't face powder Isiah has a HABIT for which he is receiving counselling .....I see soop has been very busy every thing is immaculate .....but we can soon remedy that LIl is very pleased with everyone's efforts....pete leave the brass alone

Lil has bought a little dog to keep her company a small one to sit in her handbag behind the bar...she has named him Ralph...if he should get lost and asked him name he can answer RALPH RALPH,..she is working on him learning mooning on the square as his address...ella many gents have sampled Lils ample bosom but the nuns knickers don't get much interest but a few find the bishops hat very uplifting....we are to get two new bar staff twins call pat and phyll.. all members of staff are being asked to wear a name badge....Pat and Phyll's will certainly create an interest...
In the interest of corporate imaging Lil is requesting the phone to be answered thus......"good morning/afternoon/evening mooning on the square *** speaking with whom am I having the pleasure,can I offer you some personal service.....we are hoping to solicit us much trade as we can get hold off....personal tips and payments can be kept...

nellie, I can see it's going to be a challenge getting things back to normal in time for opening every day after soop's sterling efforts, but the regulars are used to a much lower standard...
Good job green and the rest aren't as fastidious or Lil would throw one of her infamous tantrums!

Oh dear, I don't think phyll's going to last long.....

Soop, no cherry, but a nice chunk of fresh? lemon would be nice. Not sure if I`m the right one to be left in charge, I`m a shy little thing, daren`t say boo to a goose, I`m afraid those men, and those rather rough ladies, will walk all over me.

Number perhaps you would like to be in charge of telephone bookings for the restaurant and receptionist for the BB sure Lil will find you a nice little uniform and if you were to feel threatened you could hide behind the desk..

Ana Lil would throw a hissy fit if all were to go upmarket...she learnt her skills at our mothers knee ...and other low joints.....

I know! We'll have to bring extra staff in after soop's gone to mess the place up a bit....I'm sure we could find some suitable volunteers.

Someone painted "grab" on me shirt. lucky grey matches me shirt anyway! and me vest. Well, orl me cloves really!

(Does anyone know of a cheap speech therapist? Gramps speech needs improving. Wotchya fink mates?)

I could loan my sister, she is a very good one and could sort you arrt a bit, if you like?

Well, well, well...I leave you lot alone for a few hours and what do you do? I shall consult the thesaurus to find a word that aptly describes my utter dismay. If you think for one teeny weeny moment that I'm going to clean up this mess...you couldn't be more wrong. You made it - you clean it up! As for talking proper...I'm speechless. I need a wee dram to calm my nerves. What the heck is gramps doing under that table? I removed him before I left last evening. Don't tell me he's still trying to get the dog to surrender his false beard. If that heap of grey fibres in the corner just so happens to be the remnants of the beard, Mrs gramps is going to have to knit him another. Pete give me a wee treble...and make it quick!

soop I'll just leave you the bottle....

Once we find your teeth again gramps your speech should improve...

I'm afraid it's a losing battle, soop. You are destined for a life of drudgery if you carry on trying to bring a bit of class to the place, not to mention cleanliness! Lil needs you to be in peak condition to tackle the Muriel - if you can find a wall that isn't covered in graffiti....

littlenell does the brass come out of 'petty cash' ?

I can't pretend to be cross with you lot for long. I admit defeat. Lil's is a proper dive/shambles and I have to accept that my polishing skills were to no avail. While the boys are in the games room [enter at your peril] I'll take my malt to the snug. It's sort of upclass...nothing too posh, mind. Let's say, it's where a few ladies can relax and have sensible conversations over a drink and a nice sandwich. The bar...is ALL yours. I'm thinking about the 'muriel'. May try a Tracy Emin style artscape. Any suggestions [only printable ones mind!]

Pete

Well, if you're going for a TE-type Muriel, you just need to think of a title for the wall (e.g. Punters Wot 'Ave Drunk 'Ere) and stick a label on! Sorted - signatures and rude drawings already done!

Anagram...sheer genius...don't need to clean my brushes or do anyfink other than stand well back and let you lot run amok. Sorted! nellie will be pleased.

soop Is the word you want 'discombobulated?'