How judgmental are you?

Sorry - Charlotta's post wasn't there when I wrote my last one, which was supposed to follow on from my previous one.....

I've already posted about what I consider the disruptive effect of this thread though I am sure that this wasn't Kitty's original intention. She simply raised a discussion point which seemed to call for an objective examination of one's own attitudes. I hope I'm right about that, Kitty.

What I really like about Gransnet is that we can have considered debates that give an all-round view of interesting and sometimes contentious issues. It's a shame that having an open discussion brings some posts that appear to be motivated by a desire to create conflict. Nowadays, when the first agitating post appears on a thread, I always read back to the beginning to see if that poster has contributed anything to the discussion beforehand. Sadly, not many have done so. I wonder whether they are aware that this pattern of seeking out opportunities to create conflict is becoming more obvious?

Lively debate is stimulating and I wouldn't want to see it quashed. There are ways to give other perspectives, or to challenge each other, without resorting to claims that some posters think they are a cut above or below others. That's why we have guidance about forum etiquette.

Strong relationships can tolerate, even thrive on, a bit of disruption though.

I'm always rather surprised when the warnings start to come out about too much disagreement between gransnetters.

But then I was brought up in an argumentative family.

I, too, grew up in a large family where there was frequent bickering, from which we all learned as adults to listen to each other and put our views across without underminng others.

Often, the disruption on some threads is not planted for the purpose of enabling people with a strong relationship to clear the air. It is done in a manner that creates conflict which is not resolved, gets complained about to GNHQ, or results in a valuable thread ending abruptly.

Please don't think I'm not responding if I don't post for a while. Dashing out and won't be back till tonight

Same here, petallus. It's a great advantage to know that one needn't fall out over disagreements, isn't it? As has been said several times before elsewhere on GN, if you don't like a thread, you don't have to read it or take part in it. There are several that have no appeal to me so I just don't look at them much or else don't post on them, after initially ascertaining what they are about.

I think when has made a very good point. I sometimes feel that some people are point scoring and that their friends are being sycophatic. Fortunately it doesn't happen very often! I suppose in all walks of life there are people like that and I actually feel sorry for them as it must be due to some sort of feeling of inferiority.

Alison, you are very good for me. I keep having to go and look up words you use that are not in my daily vocabulary, just to be sure I know what they mean

Just to clarify that I assumed Kitty was talking about the DM, because she had said something similar on another thread. Apologies if this was not the case.
Have to say I haven't spotted much sycophancy, Alison. I guess people tend to agree with the people that they agree with, though.
I think disagreement is fine, but it is important to keep in mind that we are (at least I hope we are) disagreeing with people's views, not having a go at the person themselves.

Sometimes when several posters seem to be backing each other up in a cosy sort of way, well I wouldn't exactly say sycophancy! But I wonder if they have been meeting up in 'real life' and formed a bond (as I know some Gnetters have done).

But it's normal group behaviour anyway to have different alliances forming. I do feel we are a strong group who can cope with any rumblings that may occur.

Annobel my genuine intention was to see how judgmental people thought they were. It is something I address regularly in my voluntary job.

I have been concerned by the turn this thread has taken and I am sorry if I have contributed, however unintentionally, to discord among GNers

Nellie Thanks for being the spirited and special lady that you are.

Kitty you have rounded it off very nicely. This cosy grouping which petallus mentions sometimes makes me want to put a spoke in and stir it up again.

petallus I too wonder about real life meetings. In one way it sounds really nice to meet people we get on with, but I do hope it doesn't spoil Gnet.

After all, this is an online forum not a local club.

What cosy grouping? Who?

I had to smile at the reference to cosy grouping. So far, I have had the pleasure of meeting bags, Greatnan, and Annobel (twice) in the last couple of months, and we sat and chatted over long lunches. Very enjoyable, and it would be nice to repeat the experience if the opportunity arises.

I think each of these ladies will take this in good part, so here goes........

If anyone thinks for one moment that i and these three Gransnetters will concede an unearned point in an intelligent debate, simply because they have shared a friendly lunch, they have massively underestimated our interest in Gransnet and our distaste for clique-y behaviour. If you doubt it, check out the challenges and assertions on various threads.

You don't have to be cosy or sycophantic to enjoy the company of other strong-minded women who have the confidence to say 'I appreciate what you say, but on this occasion i don't agree.'

Kittylester (can't do BOLD) - yes, of course I'm judgmental! Politically, socially, educationally.....the only person I have known who wasn't was my lovely MiL and even she, on occasion, would find excuses for people which suggested she might have disapproved of something they had said or done. I almost said, you would have to be a saint NOT to be judgmental but many of them were apparently very much so.

There is a difference between condemning actions which are clearly wrong - which harm others physically or emotionally - and condemning people for having tastes and opinions that are not the same as one's own.

In one case of course I am judgmental, I hope fairly and on reasonable evidence. In the other I would be prejudiced in my judgment and I hope I respect other points of view, though I may not share them.

Personally I enjoy being a bit disruptive at times, particularly as we have all now left school, well I'm assuming we have! The whole point of joining in a discussion like this is to put forward your own point of view and as in life generally you can't expect to agree all of the time. I don't know about the ganging up aspect if I agree strongly with someone I tend to say so.

Some members seem to be more sensitive to disagreements and arguments than others, it's true, but most of us have a robust enough sense of self to weather these small storms!

Anagram I'm not sure that is true. Do you not think that those who are 'robust enough' say just what they want to without necessarily caring about the feelings of others? I think there are a lot who withdraw when they feel things are getting heated or when they feel attacked. I say this because there have been occassions when I have said that I think someone is being unfair or unkind and I have had a huge PM response agreeing with me from those who don't feel able to respond openly. If you were to say 'some' instead of 'most' I would agree with you.

Agreed Anagram. Small storms are navigable, as long as others don't come along to drill holes in the boat

I think Gnet would be better if members couldn't PM eachother. Sometimes you feel like you're up against a gang. A debate seems to start off evenly balanced and then the claws come out. There are not many debates on here that don't end up being heated in some way or other that's why I bugger off withdraw when things get hairy. I have enough to contend with in real life without cyber issues. Life's too short for that.

I think I agree with you, Alison - I didn't intend 'a robust sense of self' to mean egotistical or insensitive to the feelings or views of others.

Oh dear I just seem to be disagreeing with everyone today! I have been PMing with someone today and we have been supporting each other with our own issues. I don't want to put this problem in an open arena but am so happy that another GNer is in conversation with me about it. It has nothing at all to do with GN or its members.

I must stress that when I said that people had PMd me to agree it was because they couldn't bring themselves to post their comments and there was no suggestion of ganging up at all, just being supportive.