Just jokes

Wonderful, soop!

Banjo enthusiasts joke:
Johnny proudly drove his new VW Beetle convertible into town and had his shiny banjo nestling in the back seat.
He had walked half way around the block from the parked car when he realised that the sunny weather had prompted him to leave the hood down... with his banjo in the back.
He ran all the way back to his car, but it was too late...
another five banjos had been dumped in the car

soop thought 22 would have tickled you more

Nellie!

Genuine offers on Freecyle sites

Builder's rubble -about 14 tonnes

Bedford - Broken container, suit large garden plant.

Bath-Wotton - Used toothpaste tubes - collectors items

Gloucester - Christmas Cards, all have one side unmarked

Bussage - Lilac tree stump, dug out of my parents a week ago

Sapperton - large rock, will not fit in estate car

Leeds - 4 radiators, various sizes, collector to disconnect from flat

Stroud - Black & White TV - not working

Nottingham - Newspapers, large collection 1989-1993 plus firebrick making machine

Chobham - Unique knitted Cardigan, made from natural Poodle wool, fit 8-12 year old.

Dorchester - Set of six 2 gallon sealable containers, need rinsing

Godalming - medical text books and box of 1000 hypodermic syringes (sterile, sealed 1988)

Piddletrenthide - Sack full of mole skins, approx 80, cleaned and treated, ready for use.

Bristol - oversized underwear, good condition, large selection, bought as job lot.

Frampton Mansell - ladies size 7 shoes, 10 pairs, no heels missing.

Re-offered - rubble, Dursley

Cheltenham - Goose fat, for cooking or insulation purposes

Halsey - Framed, stretched Harley Davidson tattoo, 12" x 18" (real skin) unwanted heirloom...

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

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The head of the Cotswold hedgehogs went to see the head of the local rabbits for some help.
"Hey rabbit, wonder if you can help us", he said
"I'll be glad to try, Spikey", said the Rabbit.
"The thing is, like it is now, at night, we are losing far too many fellow hogs to those devlish machines with bright eyes that move like thunder along the smooth black walkways... I was wondering, your species seem to be very good at dodging them, you never seem to get squashed".
"Aaah" said Briar, "I will tell you how we do this, and come with me now and we will demonstrate the technique to your tribal members". Looking pleased, the hedgehog gathered his inner circle together and they walked the short disatnce with the rabbit to the A419, nearby.
"Now", said Rabbit, "this is what you do... If you see those two bright lights heading towards you as you are crossing the road, just make sure you sit down right in between the two of them - then you will be fine".
Just to prove it, the rabbit ran into the road in front of a speeding car, and to the shocked hedgehogs' delight emerged unscathed and rejoined the group.
Spikey was keen to demonstrate the new technique so as soon as the next pair of lights appeared he ran into the road and squatted down between the lights...

There was a nasty squelching noise and the hedgehogs turned to look at rabbit...who said,
"Blimey, you don't see many Reliant Robins around these days do you".

Freecyle offers...
NellieSmol...you, dear girl, are a MINX

I have just cut and pasted this out of the session notes for a local U3A class.

"Try to make the picture more Interesting. Eg. shoot your loved one, get them to wear a hat and stand in a nice background."

Nelliemoser - Priceless!!!!

NOTE WELL; NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED (OR THE EASILY OFFENDED)

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Sod it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b*****d!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven"
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're Bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."

Perfect!

Phrases from, and for, the Golfers among us...

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin
Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball
A Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole

Note on the English language, the following sounds OK but how does it read, "Where was I putting my putter?"

I hope this joke does not get me labelled elitist!

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

GROAN but !!

Aargh! Glad you're still around, Greatnan even though you are restricting your range......

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much, go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER ...

Fasting is good for your health
And may God cleanse your dirty mind...

They don't get rid of me that easily, Lily. I thought it would be a good idea to see how sweetness and light would prevail without my pernicious presence!

Another excellent joke!

Lovely to have you here with us, Greatnan...thanks for the daily chuckles.

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.'What's up?' she asks.'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on!"The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!

List of Funny Insults!

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
You'd make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits..
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".