Just jokes

May contain some rude language.....

Handy hints for an easier life...

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking Any of them.

5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling, patting the seat and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

I love No 18

Don't blame me if you get stung!

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

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The Purina diet.

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at ASDA and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Very funny Greatnan

This reminds me of a joke told by Jasper Carrot. He had been invited for tea by the parents of a new girl friend. They are all sitting in the living room trying to make conversation and its not going too well. He spots the family dog lying on a rug licking his private parts as dogs do. It occurs to him how supple dogs are. He points to the family pet and says, in an attempt to stimulate the conversation 'I wish I could do that'.
'Give him a biscuits and he'll probably let you' retorted the father.

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4.. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your frigging cat.”

GREAT TRUTHS that little daughters have learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

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A girl approaches the checkout of a supermarket, in her basket she has the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
"Because you're ugly."

greatnan

choking

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The Doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple are asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse".
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

Rita Rudner, American comedienne, shares some insights into the fair and unfair sex:

A Bear's Life

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

...Hands up all those who wanna be a bear...

...........................................................................................
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain AND bought jewellery.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the ground floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice... voluntarily.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

A group of Americans were touring Scotland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too rainy. The hotel accommodations are awful. The group arrived at Scone Palace the site of the famous Stone of Destiny. "Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

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A farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.

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A friend said to me: "I can never do the Welsh accent properly. Every time I try it it sounds like Pakistani''.
I said: ''You'll just have to try harder, Tariq''.

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Four letter word warning!

Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens
ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?
PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else
ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason
HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Shit happens"
HINDUISM: This shit happened before
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens you deserve it
AGNOSTICS: Facts happen
EVANGELISTS: Send me £8 million or shit will happen to you
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit
ISLAM: If shit happens it is the will of Allah
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good shit happens
JEHOVA'S WITTNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens

Oldies but goldies!

funny motor insurance claims

"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.."

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.."

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

BRILLIANT! Love the parking of the car in the driveway.

Thanks, Phoenix - there were lots there that I had never heard before!

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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 'sand' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?
'Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'box' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me.
Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant unadulterated racial discrimination to me' ..............

I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant unadulterated racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit

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Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room. He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks
'Dad what is love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.
Dad says 'so what were you watching?'
Johnny replies 'Tennis'.

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So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought...
that's Abboriginal.

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A university student delivers a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student

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Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says:
"I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "It's time to be going home to shag that cat."

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the next two require you to read them with the appropriate accent:

Michael, a Donegal man, goes for a job on a building site, the foreman says all he has to do is answer two questions correctly and they will give him the job. He smiles confidently.
"The first question is, 'what is your name?",
he answers," errr, that would be Michael ...Michael Connor,"
"OK, the next question is, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?'..."
"Oh, that's easy," says Michael,
"Joyce wrote Ullyses, Goethe wrote Faust".

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In 1890 there were two Mexicans who had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's a huge volley of gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh,...

run, amigo, run!!

...Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

...

...

...

...

"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

Greatnan I enjoyed the pizza delivery joke.

That's the best Irish joke I've heard.

Two men are getting more and more relaxed in the bar on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building. They have exhausted complaints about wives and work and the world has begun to look a little rosier.
One man turns to the other and says,
"Did you know that if you jump out of this window on the south side, there's an amazing wind current that blows you gently in to floor five down below?"
"Gedoutahere!", says the other, "No way can that be true".
The other man says, "Look, I'll prove it".
He casually walks over to the window, slides aside the glass and jumps. His horrified friend rushes to the window and sees him speed down, only to disappear just before he should have smashed into the pavement.
Two minutes later the lift doors open and in walks his totally unfazed pal saying, "Told you... fifth floor, window's always open".
"That's amazing, an amazing fluke", he says, at which point he sees his pal stride to the window and throw himself out again. Two minutes later he reappears from the lift doors saying, "No Fluke, guaranteed. Now its your turn".
Excited as well as nervous, the man walks to the window, takes a few gulps of air, then jumps...
Down past the floors he flies, faster and faster, until... splaaaat, he is a crumpled mess on the pavement.
At this point the barman looks up from polishing some glasses and says, "Jeeez, you're such an asshole when you're drunk, Superman".

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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"