Useful guidelines

Yes it does widen the options doesn't it.
If children I know say someone is "being mean" I usually point out that people who do this are feeling bad about themselves and that they think they will feel better if they succeed in making someone else feel bad. However it does not work very well for them, so they may keep on doing it.

I think girl bullies have always had a great capacity for being appallingly spiteful and malicious and probably verbal bullying hasn't increased. Even bullying via new technology still tends to be a mob exercise.

I was thinking that maybe physical bullying among girls has escalated but then I remembered having my head repeatedly banged against a wall by a group of girls at infant school to punish me for stealing someone else's sweets. Interestingly, the ringleader of the group turned out to be the actual thief. None of the teachers did anything about this and I never told my parents. I suspect lots of other girls never reported such incidents.

Some children are strong enough to withstand bullying. Someone tried text trolling with my senior GD, but she put a stop to it herself. A child with strong self-esteem has more chance of dealing with bullying than one who is a bit self-effacing and easy meat for the bullies.

I think a lot of bullies have suffered themselves, perhaps in a situation they could not control, and enjoy the sensation of being in charge. They may not know this consciously, but the satisfaction achieved reinforces the behaviour.

I'm quite confused by bullying now. Everyone used to understand the rules which in many ways operated most unfairly (older, bigger, stronger against younger, smaller, weaker and group against individual, physical response to verbal attack - and male against female). It wasn't subtle and ignored some of the realities of life. But as Bags says, it is all so muddy now and some of it, at least, seems to rest with how it's perceived.

Very well said, lily.

While I was wiping the marmalade from my iPad this morning a more succinct reply to Pogs' post above popped into my head. It is this:

No, pogs, it was a rhetorical question aimed in the general direction of this online conversation.

Cheers pal, as they say around here

Bags

#Thank you for your explaination. Maybe my defence mechanism kicked in a little too quickly.

Petallus, as a psychologist, would you agree that you would have to know somebody well before deciding they were a bully?

No worries, pogs. I do that sometimes too .

I didn't specialise in bullying Greatnan although I did see a fair number of people for counselling who had been on the receiving end of bullying in the workplace and in their personal relationships.

There is some literature out there on the psychological mechanisms which go on in bullying. For instance, projecting an unwanted, hated part of oneself (say weakness) on to another and then persecuting it in them instead of recognising it in oneself and dealing with it.

Also bullying is thought to sometimes take place as a way of intensifying group cohesion.

And other possibilities that have already been mentioned.

However, to answer your question, I don't think you would have to know someone well before suspecting they were a bully. Maybe before you could know why they are.

I think one of the most difficult things might be recognising bullying tendencies in oneself.

Interesting to ponder, your last remark, petallus - I think we all have potentialities for all varieties of bad behaviour within us. There have been one or two occasions when I have been interviewing a truly appalling candidate (one that has obvious inconsistencies in the information they offer about themselves) when I have felt that temptation to go for the jugular. But have pulled back on the grounds that they are not going to get the job anyway, so having a go at them would be self indulgent.
I do think people can hide their bullying side quite well though and only show it when they are in a powerful position. Most people who have married an abusive man will probably agree with me - they can be charm itself in the initial stages of a relationship and then turn controlling or violent after you have got pregnant or signed the register of marriages.

I remember an occasion when a whole lecture theatre full of psychologists ganged up on a speaker who was not really considered to be pc with his psychological approach. And the bullying continued all through the weekend. Nobody thought they were being bullies though.

And I didn't come up smelling of roses!

Being victimy and weak is another very effective way of controlling and isolating someone, especially if you can make it seem to everyone else that they are bullying you.

It's a fascinating subject really.

Geraldine

Thanks Geraldine