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Am I a drudge?

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vampirequeen Mon 26-Nov-12 15:29:24

I've just been called a drudge. I didn't think I was but a young woman of my aquaintance thinks I am. This is because I get up at 4am with my husband and whilst he's getting ready to go to work I prepare his breakfast and his pack up. Then we sit and have a coffee until he goes to work at 4.45am. After he leaves I lay on the sofa and go back to sleep for a few more hours.

During the day I do the normal things.....clean, cook ...all the housework. I try to have the house looking nice and his tea ready for when he gets home around 8pm.

My young friend thinks I do too much for him but I look at it differently. He works 60 miles away because he couldn't get a job locally. He also works split shifts....6am to 8am and 3pm to 6pm. He's not able to come home so has to kick his heels in the big shopping centre and generally pass the time between shifts as best he can without spending money. I don't leave the house so it makes sense to me that if he's out for all those hours every day working or waiting to work then I should make sure he comes home to a comfortable home and a cooked meal.

It's not that he never does anything in the house ...it's just that I think he works hard enough already so I try to make sure he doesn't have to.

What do you think? Am I a drudge or are we each taking a share in our own way?

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nightowl Tue 27-Nov-12 10:26:58

You know your friend vampirequeen, but is it possible she was expressing her concern for you albeit in a very clumsy manner? If she sees you unable to get out when you have previously had a professional career, perhaps she feels sad and worried for you? I only ask because I once put both feet well and truly in it with a friend who was unhappy in her marriage but felt unable to leave for financial reasons. I made some very unwise and (with hindsight) unacceptable comments, which I would love to be able to retract now.

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vampirequeen Tue 27-Nov-12 12:57:04

Perhaps you're right, nightowl. She's only ever known me as a proactive person who lived every day. Now I'm a shell of the person she knew and she can't understand why I seem to accept it. But I haven't accepted it, I've just adapted to the way things are at the moment. As for looking after my husband...well, apart from doing it because I love him, it gives me a sense of achievement that I've done something worthwhile during the day.

I think I will try to discuss it with her, tell her that I found the word hurtful and explain that with my MH issues actually getting up is an achievement so doing all the things I manage to do is actually a miracle.

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Mishap Tue 27-Nov-12 13:10:10

VQ - being at home and contributing to your OH's wellbeing rather than pursuing your former career does not make you " a shell of a person" - it just means that at the moment you are in a different place in your life - that is fine. You are still you.

We are brainwashed into thinking that we have to be young, beautiful and earning lots of money in order to be a worthwhile person - don't succumb to this!

If you have MH problems at present you are in the right place and doing the right things. The goalposts have moved for you at the moment; you have new and different challenges to meet - all as valid and important as pursuing a professional career.

I have spent 2 months unable to go out and sometimes feel useless - my DDs knock that on the head and say I have done lots for them in my time and it is their turn to do lots for me - and to let them enjoy that. Yesterday when I went to get some rehab help my DD just said "Thank goodness you are looking after yourself for a change."

Just because I cannot do what I used to does not mean life is not worthwhile - and it is the same for you.

I am not a drudge or a shell, and neither are you!!

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