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Sad and scared.

(44 Posts)
tingaloo Thu 20-Dec-12 21:14:06

DH has just been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia -short-term memory loss and losing some of his cognitive skills. This has been going on for some time, but got noticeably worse a few week ago. I feel guilty for getting frustrated with him as sometimes it just feels like he isn't concentrating.

Butty Thu 20-Dec-12 21:25:43

tingaloo - The heading for your post said it all. It must have been very sad news indeed to have received, and completely understandable that you're scared.
Try to get rid of feeling guilty - your frustration is natural in the circumstances.
Take care. x

Nelliemoser Thu 20-Dec-12 21:27:09

Oh Tingaloo That is scary. I can understand how you have been getting frustrated with him. Dont beat yourself up about that, it happens.

I am sure other Gransnetter's will have better advice than I can give and you will find lots of support.

((((hugs)))) for you.

Ella46 Thu 20-Dec-12 21:35:14

Tingaloo flowers and (((hugs))) for both of you xx

glassortwo Thu 20-Dec-12 21:37:18

tingaloo I am so sorry its what we all dread, but don't feel guilty its natural to feel frustrated, we dont want to admit it could more than everyday forgetfulness. I am sorry I cant be any help but another Gnetter will turn up who has some experience in this. Sending you a {{{hug}}}

merlotgran Thu 20-Dec-12 21:51:36

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, Tingaloo but I do understand how scared you feel. I hope you can both enjoy Christmas together and face the challenges of the New Year with courage. flowers

whenim64 Thu 20-Dec-12 22:03:56

(((Hugs))) Tingaloo. It's a shock I know, but you will still have good days, and the important thing is that you know what has been happening now the doctor has explained things. flowers

baubles Thu 20-Dec-12 22:06:10

I'm sorry to hear that Tingaloo {hug} flowers

CHEELU Thu 20-Dec-12 22:16:18

Hello tingaloo SO sorry abt your DH, there are so many new things on the market that help now a days. I remember reading an article once abt a lady that was at the beginning of dementia and she fought it tooth and nail by keeping her brain alert with writing and other things. The Dr's said that it had made a difference. Have hope, you could do search on google for new treatment because as said there is so many new things they use to help halt this, best wishes

grannyactivist Thu 20-Dec-12 22:24:45

Hello Tingaloo, it's good to hear from you again although I'm sad that you're in such a difficult situation. Here in Devon we have the benefit of a number of Memory Cafés and I understand people have found them to be very helpful. Perhaps there's one in your area: it's probably worth finding out now about whatever help and services are available.

Nanado Thu 20-Dec-12 23:11:40

Hi tingaloo I'm in the same position. MrDog is in the early stages of vascular dementia so I understand exactly what you are going through. At first I was very angry. I hadn't signed up to caring for a partner who is going to become more of a liability than a soul mate.

And I had to fight for a proper diagnosis when his young doctor had the temerity to poo poo my worries at first.

But now I see it from his point of view. Imagine knowing you're going to lose your memories, your faculties, your dignity. I would feel very frightened and I know deep inside he does too.

Please PM me if you feel you want to talk ((((hugs))))

Ariadne Fri 21-Dec-12 06:25:12

Good to see you again, tingaloo. "Sad and scared" is exactly how I would feel in your shoes, and I am sorry to hear your news. You and nanado have a long haul ahead of you, and that alone is daunting to say the least. I do send both of you my love.

Mishap Fri 21-Dec-12 09:48:01

Tingaloo - I am so sorry that you have had this bad news.

What treatement are they offering? Have you been put in touch with any support? Most places have a dementia team with nurses who go out and help to support the family/give advice/put you in touch with sources of help/ensure you are getting all the right benefits.

Do pm nando - it is always helpful to share your worries with someone who really knows how it feels - and I am sorry nanado that you too have this difficult challenge to face.

My OH has PD and there are signs that he is becoming more forgetful - there is a 30% chance that he will get dementia on top of his other symptoms. I do know how hard it is not to get ratty when you have repeated something several times - do not beat yourself up - you are only human. And do not try and be a saint - we none of us qualify and have to allow ourselves to be human and fallible.

Good luck with everything - do seek out support and try not to go it alone. Take all the help you can get. People are more open now about dementia, so there is nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

kittylester Fri 21-Dec-12 09:58:05

tingaloo and nanado how awful for you both - remember we are here when you need us flowers I would be sad and scared too. sad Your husband must be pretty scared too. Do you have family to help you cope?

My mum has dementia, nothing like the same as it being a DH I know, but my brothers and I cope by talking to each other and laughing about Mum, not at her, when we can. I some times post about the things she says and does, especially when she is nasty, and I get wonderful support on here. GN is brilliant at

Nanado Fri 21-Dec-12 10:04:49

You're right kitty GN is great for support sunshine

soop Fri 21-Dec-12 16:32:18

tingaloo and Nanado I'm adding my love and best wishes to you both at this distressing time. GN is blest with so many wise members. Please continue to share your thoughts with them. Such support is priceless. smile

Nanado Fri 21-Dec-12 18:13:04

Thank you soop xx

crimson Fri 21-Dec-12 18:36:42

It's my biggest fear, either for myself or someone I know. I'm so sorry for anyone going through this.

tingaloo Fri 21-Dec-12 22:14:53

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and messages of support. I am sorry for not replying sooner, it has been a long day at work, and I have been feeing kind of disloyal posting about DH. His memory has been deteriorating for a couple of years, but we just thought it was age. Then for the last few months, he has started getting confused when his routine is at all disrupted, and he has dropped a lot of his old interests. Conversations are repeated only hours after we first had them. Sometimes he can be quite angry and defensive, and at others vulnerable and subdued. He also suffers from breathing problems caused by asbestosis.
However, I would say that the trouble we are facing has drawn us closer together for the time being.
I am very close to my two daughters (from a previous marriage). However, they are both pregnant (hurrah), and I have always been the one they turn to rather than vice versa. I work four days a week, and look after my 14 month old grandson, whom I dote on, one day a week, and sometimes for a few hours at the weekends. Also, I worry about my mother, who is 87, and lives three and a half hour's drive away. She is quite healthy, although immobile, at the moment, but at some point in the not too distant future, she is going to need a lot more help from me, which I don't grudge at all, as she has always been fantastic to me. My fear is that I am going to end up failing someone - daughters, mother, DH, and what about work?
For those of you who welcomed me back, thank you for remembering me! I am the same Tingaloo who had a flying leson for her 60th birthday in the Summer. I am happy to report that it was the most fantastic experience, one of the best in my life. Since then I have been on a zip-wire, which was also great fun. Not bad for someone who is frightened of heights!

gracesmum Fri 21-Dec-12 22:25:44

My sympathies to nanado, tingaloo mishap and all others whose DHs have health problems of what ever sort. I remember thinking a wee while back, when we signed up for "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse" - did we appreciate what we were letting ourselves in for? Does anybody when they are young and fit actually stop and think of 30 or 40 years down the line? Good luck to all of you and bouquets of flowers for hanging on in there and for what you do for your partners.

kittylester Sat 22-Dec-12 08:54:38

Well said gracesmum and flowers for you too as you have a lot to cope with.

Nanado Sat 22-Dec-12 09:15:29

You sound like a wonderful, crazy, person tingaloo. I'm sure you have great coping skills and a sense of fun and adventure still. What wonderful news grandchildren on the way to add to your family, and a lovely toddler you already dote on and get to share. I too have a lovely family and a thriving tribe of grandchildren that I see too often. Only joking, it keeps me young and I absolutely adore them. Try to hang on to what's good in life when the doors close at night and they've all gone home and you're struggling with DH's bad temper, frustrations or confusion. It's lonely not being able to have a meaningful conversation or share your worries or hopes. But you have your family behind you and that means everything.

And there's always a hearing ear and big hugs from so many GNetters smile thank you.

crimson Sat 22-Dec-12 18:57:32

I went to see someone today whose husband has dementia and is getting very frail. But what stood out above everything else, to me, was that his sense of humour was still there; other things about him had changed, but not that.

Butty Sat 22-Dec-12 19:10:17

Lovely post Nanado.

CHEELU Sat 22-Dec-12 19:29:01

Hello Tingaloo, please don't feel you are going to let anyone down, you can only do your best.. I felt a bit dis loyal when I told my story about my son being a bit un reasonable, but sometimes its good to have someone else's opinion and it may make you stronger to be able to have a release and share a few things, but if you dont want to talk about DH, thats fine too.. With GN you just get loads of support from people that understand. Brilliant that it has brought you and DH closer...Best wishes x x