Lil's Bar 5

Oi Pete,
What you on about that other hestablishment dahn the village,innit?
I've been on a short "walk about" wiv me pet "Kanga" wot I got off orf a old "Strine" bloke! 'E sold it 'cos it were giving 'm the jumps! 'es got a front pocket wots 'andy fer me small change an' pipe!

You copped a bargain there gramps....is it your round?..

Oi you lot. Football? snooker? darts and teapots??? I've been laying ere on the floor under the table since a long time. Ordered a pint of port a few hours ago and still waiting for someone to serve me. Where's me bloody port scratchings?

You rolled over on them! I think they're 'goosed' !
Your pint is on the table..don't ask for a straw as a pint over the head often offends.......

We need a new barmaid...yes barmaid! Lil's is not PC ...........Lil is is to take it easy and only help out when it's busy...although that's not very often since the 'new road' was opened...

Since when did a Lil's Bar barmaid have to be PC? Have you gone all 'new man', Pete?

The new barmaid doesn't have to be PC..in fact that is not a requirement. Ana...it was only for the 'advert' in case anyone thought we should be looking for a barperson
Are you sending your CV?

I would send my CV, but I think I'm over qualified, and anyway, Lil couldn't afford me

Oh, I get it now, Pete! (No rude comments, please...)
But what's wrong with Lil? Has she been overdoing the pole dancing again...?

Phoenix don't flatter yourself...you are not over qualified and if you're reliable, when you're trained, free Scotch 'n Soda is a perk of the job

Ana Lil has had a 'riding accident' and being no spring chicken..needs to take it easy.....Glad you got it by the way...

I'll have you know Pete that I've cleaned a fair few drip trays in my time, but I feel it may not be the best use of my current skills!

Well they could be put to the test ....after closing..

ok, give me some idea as to what the test might involve, you never know I might need to do some preparation.

(phoenix adopts the position and starts limbering up)

TMI!

Well...you will have to be agile phoenix....nothing too much...the ability to touch your toes (not from a sitting position)...and the ability to bend over backwards would be a useful skill

Oh bugger! I thought the ability to deliver a somewhat sardonic look, and tut loudly if presented with a £20 note when paying for a diet coke and a packet salt & vinegar might be enough.

Plus, of course shouting "Come on you lucky people now, aint you got no homes to go to!"

I hereby withdraw any application that I might have inadvertantly made.

And that, M'Lud is the case for the defence.

Hmm.....Pete's idea of a barmaid seems to be a cross between a Barbie doll and Sporty Spice! Not to mention loose both in limbs and morals!

Perhaps Goose would like to apply....

Just as I thought.....not experienced enough.......

Ana Where on earth do you get your ideas from....Sporty Spice indeed!! Now Jess Ennis..might be able to iron the snooker table.....

What???? No way - if I'm any Spice, I'm Old Spice

The job's taken Goose......Pint is it? ....one for myself was that?...

Tonight Pete I'd like a schooner of your best lemonade, with a straw please - you may fetch one for yourself too, I'm feeling particularly generous being as I won the meat draw in the Butcher's Arms

Can't understand why I didn't win a copy of Fluff the Farting Fish...reckon it's fixed.......Pint please

Now your 'clutching at straws' Goose....bring your own if you want..What type of meat did you win?...Just fancy a hot-dog...