Poorly dad

Oh dear this is so hard isn't it? Dad and mum, mainly mum refused all offers of care etc except a weekly cleaner and gardener.
Sadly last week mum had to have emergency bowel surgery and is now in intensive care following colostomy, leaving recovering dad to cope at home alone. I do what I can but am 200 miles away which leaves my fed up sibling dealing with everything.
So far over the last week he has refused to discuss, respite care for himself, live in care for himself, increase in the cleaners hours and is determined that they will "manage" . I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking, yes, they will just have to cope and see for themselves how unmanageable it all is.
At the moment I can't imagine how it's all going to work when she is able to leave hospital.
Feel I should be doing more but it's so difficult when you live 4 hours drive away.

The ward are obliged to do a proper discharge plan when your Mum leaves hospital and this is likely to involve a referral to the local social services department who will take the well-bing of all members of the hpousehold into account; and they are obliged to do a carer's assessment, which will initially be about your Dad but can include you, even though you are so far away.

If I were you I would pre-empt this by ringing the department yourself and making the situaiton known to them.

It may be that your Dad will take it better from a professional medical team at the hospital who recommend help to go in for the sake of your Mum's recovery. Get them all onside!! No way will he listen to you - you are just his little girl remember!!

Thank you

storynanny ((hugs))

All the advice above seems impossible to improve upon. Mishap has said all I could. I think it might have to be let them try and get on with it to start with.
You could do well to speak to their cleaner and ask them to "keep an eye on their welfare" and report if they are worried. It sounds underhand but might stop a difficult situation from getting into a crisis.

Wise words from Mishap although from experience here in the North East the social services are very slow at everything they do and don't seem to understand "real" situations at all. It must be so difficult for you being so far away storynanny I am having similar issues with my dear grandma who is awaiting discharge from hospital. Social services wanted me to take on responsibility for her care until they "could get around to assessing her". following very good advice I refused this and so grandma is still in hospital, bless her she is fed up but at 97 how on earth is she supposed to cope at home alone? And because my mum (her only living child) is seriously ill herself there is no one (except me) who could assume responsibility for her. As Mishap said the hospital will undoubtedly inform social services prior to your mums discharge so the decision on care will probably be taken out of her hands. I totally sympathise and wish you well.

Talk to the local Stroke Club, even if your mother refuses to attend. Perhaps someone would visit them. Could your father go alone?

I would endorse also speaking to Age Concern. Your father is also old enough to have done National Service. If he has any armed forces service, even for only 24 hours the British Legion can be very helpful. They have staff who can visit at home and suggest ways of getting and encouraging people to accept assistance.

I've already had an early morning call from my dad who seems to have forgotten I'm now 200 miles away. Fortunately it was not an emergency!
Sadly following his stroke, his personality is very altered and whereas up to April of this year he was absolutely adamant that no child of his would be expected to drop everything to care for elderly parents and that they would organise themselves the way they felt best when they were unable to manage at home now of course it's all very different.
I'm also coping with extreme guilt at my lack of real feeling about my ill mother. She has been a very difficult and dismissive person all my life, would never do anything to help anyone, never a kind word to say about añy one, very racially prejudiced, I could go on and on.....ending with Im not sure why she actually had children as she doesn't like children, I clouding her own grandchildren till they reached adulthood. I'm really struggling to show as much concern about her as I have about my dad.
I feel a terrible person.

He's not quite old enough believe it or not to have done national service, but thanks for the idea. Yes I could see if anyone from the stroke club could visit, I hadn't thought of that.
My dad has admitted to me this week that if he was on his own he would be happy to move into sheltered accommodation as he knows his recovery would be better if he had more social contacts. So sad that a partner would block any idea of that happening isn't it. Of course the situation is completely different now with mum in icu

Storynanny if we are to love our parents the love has to be on both sides. You would be fortunate indeed to be able to give your mother what she cannot give you and wasting time and nervous energy feeling guilty about the failure on your side it is a waste of your scarce resources.

There is no law that says we have to love our parents and many of us have had faulty or difficult relationships with our parents. I decided in my 30s to just relax and accept that my relationship with my mother would never be what, at heart, both of us wanted. When I did that it made my relationship easier. Sometimes when I am with my daughter I wish I could have had the relationship with my mother that we have. Regrets, I have a few, but never guilt.

Why feel guilty for something that isn't your fault and about which you can do nothing. Sorry if this sounds all sounds unfeeling, on the contrary, I understand your dilemma, but nothing is gained by struggling with the 'oughts' in life, it is much better to accept the 'is es'

storynanna, you might have seen one or two posts from me on here regarding my 'odd' relationship with my mother. I think there are a fair few of us who have experienced this.

My mum is now in a dementia unit and, apart from a little wobble recently, I find that I can be much more objective in 'caring' for my her as I can see things unemotionally and see the best way forward. It also means I do the practical stuff but I'm a woman so I can cope! And, I don't feel guilty - she was the grown-up who created our relationship.

The Stroke Association have loads of leaflets etc which we found very helpful when our son had a stroke although, as he was only 35, he was referred to Headway and Different Strokes rather than the Stroke Association because of his age.

Part of the change in personality could be related to fear and that could be why your father calls you - take it as a compliment that he thinks you would be able to help. Maybe, when your Mum comes out of ICU it will become apparent that she too will need to live in sheltered accommodation or something similar.

Take care of yourself and your sibling in all this

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments.