Do we tend to "spoil" our [adult] children?

I don't think many of our generations parents had the money to help out their children in the way we do now. How many of us were first generation professionals? The children of working class and not very well paid parents? They probably went out to work at 14 with just an Elementary school education.
We baby boomers had the opportunity of free secondary education. The Butler education act of 1944.

I sometimes wonder about care in old age. So many of the next generation rely on their parents for childcare. Will they be willing, when and if the time comes, to look after their parents when they are frail and need help?

I can relate to what Nelliemoser say's with regard to the chances in Education for us baby boomers,I can remember when I became the first girl in our family to pass the 11+ and get a place in Grammer School and my mum telling me I would have all the chances she never had as she left school at 14 to work in a laundry,even my sisters who did not go to Grammer School stayed on at school until they where 16 or went on to the Technical College so differant to when mum & dad where at school.My eldest DGS has two more years in Uni with his law degree and we help to support him by way of helping him with his rent payments.

My parents helped with the deposit on our first house. They then spent many hours with us on the renovation. Mum bought me my first car even though I'd been married a good few years. She liked the idea of a free taxi service as dad had passed away by then.

She was my child care when they were young. If I we were shopping together she would buy me and the children small treats i.e. clothes etc.and help out in any practical way she could.

I owe my mum a heck of a lot in many ways. Yes she did spoil me. Up until a few years ago. Now it's my turn to do my best for her as she has dementia.

I too buy bits and pieces for DD when we're out together.

Perhaps it's because we struggled financially when we were younger that we can't bear to think of our adult children having those feelings of dread every time a bill comes through the letterbox? My own parents weren't at all well-off and I think I remember them once helping me with an amount of about £100. I also remember my mother being really angry with me when I still lived at home, because I bought myself a pair of shoes from my wages. She had needed that money to pay bills, though I hadn't known this at the time.
I have helped my 2 younger adult children financially and my grand-daughters as well, though my eldest hasn't needed help at all. I know they'll never be able repay me the money that they've needed, but that really doesn't matter to me. As long as we have enough to 'get by' that's all that matters, and I know that if they could pay me back, they would.

ninathenana, in fact that's just what I'm doing today - off to Edinburgh with eldest and youngest DGDs.....treat time and lunch. I'll just have a 'tight week' afterwards!

My parents helped me and J with all kinds of things over the years, but I was an only child and probably spoilt. I was very grateful to them. We have helped our 3 with house deposits, because that was the only way they could advance on a house purchase and because the money, by then, had come from my Dad, who would have been delighted that we had used it for their benefit. I still bail them out occasionally, but feel it is up to them to 'cut their cloth' now, although I usually pay the greater part if we go on holiday or out for the day. I think it is far more difficult for young families to manage these days. One SiL, who works in the 'arts' earns 10x less than his younger brother still in his 20's, who works in 'oil'. He and my DD must find that hard, but it's all down to choice and opportunity. I don't think I would like to be starting off married life in the 21st C

I agree it's better to let them 'cut their cloth'.

This is a tricky one. I tend to spoil the adult children in small ways when they are with me, e.g. will pay for lunches and I'll often buy my daughter a top or dress or cardi when she is out shopping with me and sees something she fancies I will say 'Go on, I'll buy it for you' especially as I know they are saving for their first house. However! As husband will sometimes drily point out to me there isn't a technological gadget that our "kids" (in their 30s) don't seem to be able to afford!

It is a lovely feeling when you go out for a slap up meal and the offspring pay comes the bill. I remember the first time that happened, it felt really good that the roles had been reversed and they were earning enough to feel they could treat us.

It is a wonderful feeling - my daughter took me out to lunch on my 50th birthday, she had just started her first job and I felt so proud of myself for having raised a daughter to that level, if you see what I mean - happy, smart and able to treat me occasionally.

Moving on almost eight years, she is now constantly broke with two small children, two part-time jobs and back studying law, so I do help out in all sorts of odd ways. She won't let me replace any of the old kitchen items I passed on to her though, when she set up home. I would love to buy her new china and cutlery as birthday or christmas presents one year, but she prefers to hang on to the old things from home. She doesn't like me to buy her clothes unless they are birthday presents, but as we have similar tastes I often buy her something and pretend I bought it for me but it was too small. As for the children - well, I prefer not to think about how much I have spent on them!

My parents were not poor, they did not struggle, but they never helped financially. My mother in particular was adamant that we would have no help past our 18th birthdays. As my father earnt too much for us to obtain grants, that meant that we could not go to University. We went to various colleges and worked in the evenings and weekends because she insisted on charging us rent, none of us doing what we really wanted to do. So yes, I wanted my children to have choice. I feel that being able to have choices in life is the biggest luxury there is, and will support them as much as possible until they are settled, and just have to hope that they will at least pick my care home carefully!

I don't think I have ever spoiled them. I helped in the early days of their careers and loaned them money for various things, but nowadays I am happy to let them spoil me - and they do! I still spoil my senior GD a bit. She's had a hard time with a crazy mother - not my present DiL who is a marvellous step-mother to her.

No, I don't spoil my adult children, I do "indulge" my grandchildren when they come and stay! However, like many others, I have helped my adult children out with loans for cars and that is what they have been - loans, with a standing order set up for repayments. I'd rather lend the money than see them paying the interest rates on a commercial loan.

My eldest DS has needed more assistance when he started his own business and things were very rocky early on, I don't think I'll see a repayment on that sum, but it was desperately needed at the time and their house could have been at risk.

My father enabled my exDH and me to buy our first home by giving us the deposit.

We have had several rocky patches financially and my inlaws have helped us out with loans several times. I am very grateful to them, but although we have repaid them quickly my FiL won't ever let us forget it. He constantly refers to it at embarrassing moments, and also seems to forget that the debts have been repaid. So a few years ago when we moved and lost a fortune doing so, DBH took out a loan that he really shouldn't have done - which resulted in us nearly losing everything. He did that rather than go to his father again and have him constantly asking when he was going to be repaid, even when he knew the money would be repaid very soon.

So I went to an uncle of his instead, who was delighted to help out and has been brilliant. DBH's parents have not quite forgiven us for going elsewhere, I think they miss the opportunity to goad us.

We are ok now, and as I can now afford to help my daughter out I make very sure that I never refer to anything that I have done for her. All of the loans we had were with relation to moving fees and were repaid upon completion of the sale of the houses, it's not as if we were gambling it away!

Does anyone have the situation that we have; SIL borrowed money to buy DD a car and she must never know.
The problem is that she thinks he did it on credit to try and get his credit rating back on course.
I don't know what's going to happen in 3 years time ( when the loans finished) and he still wont have a good credit rating.

Even a professional background did not mean there was money to spare to help children. DF was an army officer and I am the eldest of three. Certainly I could stay at school until 18 and go to university but once I graduated I was on my own as my younger sisters were also going to university.

Ten years after we had all graduated when DF was out of the army and working as a bank cashier and DM also worked I was given a cheque for £400. Neither of DSs had married and my parents had lent them money to get on the housing ladder. They still had loans of about £400 each outstanding so DP decided they could now afford to let them off repaying the rest of the loan and gave me the £400 to be fair to all of us.

I was never really helped by my DF when I was young, although I do remember when DH and I became engaged dad was very good about buying me odd things like an iron when we were out shopping. My DM died when I was 23 and there was just me, dad and DSis at home for a year or so before I got married; however, my GF died when I was 24 and my DSis and I received £800 each from his inheritance. I remember DH and I used £400 of it to buy a three piece suite for our new home, and the balance went into the building society (that money is still there, almost 41 years later, rainy day money!).

When we first had the children we struggled, but the DC probably didn't know. As the years went by things got better and we have been able to help them - but usually with the proviso that anything we lent them, the DC paid it back and then it was there to borrow again if they needed it. We have also been able to help both children when they moved house, as we have also had inheritance money from our fathers.

These days we might buy the odd treat, and when we go out for meals, etc., sometimes we pay and sometimes they do.

Contrast this to my DSiL's family (think I might have mentioned this before), my DNephew is 38 and she has only just stopped paying his mobile phone contract and he still takes his dirty washing and pots and pans to her house to be dealt with! Unvbelievable.

We got little from our parents - practical, financial nor emotional support. It made me determined to be a hands-on grandma. I liked the model of Asian families - whoever has the money pitches in. Our daughter & husband would be on the streets if we hadn't helped as they've had lots of problems & both contribute a lot to society but in areas that don't bring high financial returns. What we choose to do to help often has a benefit somewhere to us eventually & means we worry less about the grandkids. We became co-director's of his new company after he was badly exploited & now we are enjoying dividends. Husband feels bad about drawing a dividend but I remind him of the hours he puts in in helping with the business etc & the child-care I do - I don't feel guilty at all. His parents give nothing but aggro. Thankfully son has wealthy in-laws who help them.

I think even in the past parents helped their children if they could. Wealthy parents gave their grown up children allowances. An acquaintance turned down a commission in one of the Guards regiments because he would have to live on is pay while other officers had private incomes, aka, allowances or trust funds.

We do for our children what we can. The biggest problem is knowing when we have crossed the line from a bit of help when needed to indulging them so that they are incapable of standing on their own feet - and we have had a number of threads on Gransnet from parents who have crossed that line and are now reaping the whirlwind of dependence, ingratitude and unreasonable demands .

We never had any help from our families and everything we have we have worked very hard for. Now we are reaping the benefits of years of going without for the sake of our children. They sometimes take us out for meals and one has been known to give us 'pocket money' when we go and stay with him. Each of them has received our help at different times and for different things but only one of them really needed that help. In one case we were able to help with a house deposit which meant they got a much better interest rate but they could still have bought the house without our help. They all know that we will be here for them if they ever do need help and I know they would tell us if they were in need. It is just so nice to be able to do for them what was never done for us.

I/we received a little practical help but no financial help from my parents even when they received a substantial inheritance. My husband's parents were never in a position to help since they lived abroad and had no money anyway.We both struggled to buy a house and life was quite difficult for several years.

Whilst it's important for children to be responsible and independent, we didn't want them struggling in the same way we had. Once we were better off, we helped with house deposit, car insurance, meals out, holidays, etc. However, help has never been asked for or expected, and it has been very much appreciated.

I agree with Flickety that it appears that some grown up children have become demanding and ungrateful and I definitely think it's important that any such behaviour is nipped in the bud.

The rich have always funded their adult children haven't they? If I were to win a million quid my very first thought would be to buy a house for each of my sons because the way things are going, they are never going to be able to afford to buy.

I agree Jess but some parents are struggling to mange and it is not fair that their adult children are expecting more of them than they can afford.

misspelt "manage" - sorry.

Absolutely Eloethan . Parents struggling not only to make ends meet but struggling to resist the temptation to give things to their kids. Which is I think a very natural human urge. History is littered with powerful people who put a lot of focus on passing on power and wealth to their offspring. And poorer people who went without things themselves to the benefit of their offspring (before or after death). I think it is a kind of instinct to protect our genes. Our ancestors were the ones whose mums and dads and grans bust a gut to ensure their survival.
The children are only expecting because their parents have always done the give-give-give thing to their kids in a society where respect for parents and elders is not high.
Trouble is that these days we are living much longer and cannot rely on our tribe or extended family to take care of us in old age. Or indeed our children.