Do we tend to "spoil" our [adult] children?

anno! I don't know if a big bunch of purple socks would have a lovely scent....especially if they belonged to the men in our family!

OMG, Marelli, I read that as 'purple socks' !

DS has been laid off at work again, so a few big bags of shopping headed his way this morning, until unemployment benefit kicks in. Aldi's is the best place for big bags of shopping, so while there I treated myself to a beautiful bunch of purple stocks. Lovely scent, they have.
Needs must, etc.

DD1's washing machine croaked this morning. I didn't hesitate to help her out because she's a single mum, doing a great job of bringing up two wonderful grandsons and her hours have just been cut at work. She is insisting she pay me back at the end of the month. If she can afford it, I'll accept it. If not? What are mums for?

Better to give with a warm hand than a cold one.

As my dad used to say: 'There are no pockets in a shroud.'

Frank, I really like your post of yesterday at 22.36.

Passed a milestone the other day. DGD and boy friend took my husband and me out for a meal. How's that! Cast your bread upon the waters.........

Yes, i agree too.

Well said, Frank!

I have only just noticed this thread.
Parents need to have enough savings and income to cover their own needs.
If you have got plenty to live on by all means hand over spare money to your children and make their lives as comfortable as possible.
There is no use in being the richest man / woman in the grave yard.

Frank

Perhaps if our children 'expect' to be subsidised by their parents the parents should ask themselves why? Maybe they have been like an old neighbour of mine who actually used money as a way of controlling her married children. She just didn't want to let go so ensured they were still dependent on her financially.

Another thought is that a parent may be too keen to help and not encourage their child to manage within their own means. It is natural to want the best for our children but sometimes it is in the child's interest to go without in order to have the satisfaction of being independent.

Or maybe it is just that we never had any help, financial, emotional or practical and therefore think we are happier as everything we have we have worked for ourselves?

Absolutely Eloethan . Parents struggling not only to make ends meet but struggling to resist the temptation to give things to their kids. Which is I think a very natural human urge. History is littered with powerful people who put a lot of focus on passing on power and wealth to their offspring. And poorer people who went without things themselves to the benefit of their offspring (before or after death). I think it is a kind of instinct to protect our genes. Our ancestors were the ones whose mums and dads and grans bust a gut to ensure their survival.
The children are only expecting because their parents have always done the give-give-give thing to their kids in a society where respect for parents and elders is not high.
Trouble is that these days we are living much longer and cannot rely on our tribe or extended family to take care of us in old age. Or indeed our children.

misspelt "manage" - sorry.

I agree Jess but some parents are struggling to mange and it is not fair that their adult children are expecting more of them than they can afford.

The rich have always funded their adult children haven't they? If I were to win a million quid my very first thought would be to buy a house for each of my sons because the way things are going, they are never going to be able to afford to buy.

I/we received a little practical help but no financial help from my parents even when they received a substantial inheritance. My husband's parents were never in a position to help since they lived abroad and had no money anyway.We both struggled to buy a house and life was quite difficult for several years.

Whilst it's important for children to be responsible and independent, we didn't want them struggling in the same way we had. Once we were better off, we helped with house deposit, car insurance, meals out, holidays, etc. However, help has never been asked for or expected, and it has been very much appreciated.

I agree with Flickety that it appears that some grown up children have become demanding and ungrateful and I definitely think it's important that any such behaviour is nipped in the bud.

We never had any help from our families and everything we have we have worked very hard for. Now we are reaping the benefits of years of going without for the sake of our children. They sometimes take us out for meals and one has been known to give us 'pocket money' when we go and stay with him. Each of them has received our help at different times and for different things but only one of them really needed that help. In one case we were able to help with a house deposit which meant they got a much better interest rate but they could still have bought the house without our help. They all know that we will be here for them if they ever do need help and I know they would tell us if they were in need. It is just so nice to be able to do for them what was never done for us.

I think even in the past parents helped their children if they could. Wealthy parents gave their grown up children allowances. An acquaintance turned down a commission in one of the Guards regiments because he would have to live on is pay while other officers had private incomes, aka, allowances or trust funds.

We do for our children what we can. The biggest problem is knowing when we have crossed the line from a bit of help when needed to indulging them so that they are incapable of standing on their own feet - and we have had a number of threads on Gransnet from parents who have crossed that line and are now reaping the whirlwind of dependence, ingratitude and unreasonable demands .

We got little from our parents - practical, financial nor emotional support. It made me determined to be a hands-on grandma. I liked the model of Asian families - whoever has the money pitches in. Our daughter & husband would be on the streets if we hadn't helped as they've had lots of problems & both contribute a lot to society but in areas that don't bring high financial returns. What we choose to do to help often has a benefit somewhere to us eventually & means we worry less about the grandkids. We became co-director's of his new company after he was badly exploited & now we are enjoying dividends. Husband feels bad about drawing a dividend but I remind him of the hours he puts in in helping with the business etc & the child-care I do - I don't feel guilty at all. His parents give nothing but aggro. Thankfully son has wealthy in-laws who help them.

I was never really helped by my DF when I was young, although I do remember when DH and I became engaged dad was very good about buying me odd things like an iron when we were out shopping. My DM died when I was 23 and there was just me, dad and DSis at home for a year or so before I got married; however, my GF died when I was 24 and my DSis and I received £800 each from his inheritance. I remember DH and I used £400 of it to buy a three piece suite for our new home, and the balance went into the building society (that money is still there, almost 41 years later, rainy day money!).

When we first had the children we struggled, but the DC probably didn't know. As the years went by things got better and we have been able to help them - but usually with the proviso that anything we lent them, the DC paid it back and then it was there to borrow again if they needed it. We have also been able to help both children when they moved house, as we have also had inheritance money from our fathers.

These days we might buy the odd treat, and when we go out for meals, etc., sometimes we pay and sometimes they do.

Contrast this to my DSiL's family (think I might have mentioned this before), my DNephew is 38 and she has only just stopped paying his mobile phone contract and he still takes his dirty washing and pots and pans to her house to be dealt with! Unvbelievable.

Even a professional background did not mean there was money to spare to help children. DF was an army officer and I am the eldest of three. Certainly I could stay at school until 18 and go to university but once I graduated I was on my own as my younger sisters were also going to university.

Ten years after we had all graduated when DF was out of the army and working as a bank cashier and DM also worked I was given a cheque for £400. Neither of DSs had married and my parents had lent them money to get on the housing ladder. They still had loans of about £400 each outstanding so DP decided they could now afford to let them off repaying the rest of the loan and gave me the £400 to be fair to all of us.

Does anyone have the situation that we have; SIL borrowed money to buy DD a car and she must never know.
The problem is that she thinks he did it on credit to try and get his credit rating back on course.
I don't know what's going to happen in 3 years time ( when the loans finished) and he still wont have a good credit rating.

We have had several rocky patches financially and my inlaws have helped us out with loans several times. I am very grateful to them, but although we have repaid them quickly my FiL won't ever let us forget it. He constantly refers to it at embarrassing moments, and also seems to forget that the debts have been repaid. So a few years ago when we moved and lost a fortune doing so, DBH took out a loan that he really shouldn't have done - which resulted in us nearly losing everything. He did that rather than go to his father again and have him constantly asking when he was going to be repaid, even when he knew the money would be repaid very soon.

So I went to an uncle of his instead, who was delighted to help out and has been brilliant. DBH's parents have not quite forgiven us for going elsewhere, I think they miss the opportunity to goad us.

We are ok now, and as I can now afford to help my daughter out I make very sure that I never refer to anything that I have done for her. All of the loans we had were with relation to moving fees and were repaid upon completion of the sale of the houses, it's not as if we were gambling it away!

No, I don't spoil my adult children, I do "indulge" my grandchildren when they come and stay! However, like many others, I have helped my adult children out with loans for cars and that is what they have been - loans, with a standing order set up for repayments. I'd rather lend the money than see them paying the interest rates on a commercial loan.

My eldest DS has needed more assistance when he started his own business and things were very rocky early on, I don't think I'll see a repayment on that sum, but it was desperately needed at the time and their house could have been at risk.

My father enabled my exDH and me to buy our first home by giving us the deposit.