Finding one's self

Suzz- Who we are changes & we can create new bits of ourselves. It's useful to take stock of what your life is now but then to start imagining who you would really like to be - then start acting as if you are that person in any way you can, even if you can't really believe it's possible. Little steps at a time - even just going for a walk each day & looking about you, smiling at people. If you've lost confidence & have never been out in the world much being in a new group or volunteering can knock you back if you're not ready for it. I bet you have more skills/interest than you believe you have if you've brought up 4 kids.

I have a wee card that says "Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about CREATING yourself". What is really scary is not having anyone need you (though they will when grandchildren appear!) but really it can be liberating. What do you like doing? What makes you feel good? Is there something you have always wanted to do? Don't rush into voluntary work when you feel like this - unless there is something that really attracts you. When I retired I ended up doing so much voluntary stuff it began to feel like work. So, sending you and hoping you can get the space to think about what YOU want. Go for it. The world is your oyster. Coming on gransnet is good too - lots of interesting people with lots of ideas and support if you are feeling low.

Nobody needs me, and I find it very liberating. That doesn't mean nobody loves me, just that I am no longer responsible for them. I have always thought that being needed was over-rated.

Greatnan I do know what you mean. That is why I said it can be a liberating time of life but I do understand it can be hard for people who feel their identity is tied up with being needed by other people. Freedom can be frightening!! Probably more common among women of our generation. Today's women won't have that problem I am sure.

After a life of putting the needs of others before your own, try something completely different just for yourself. I'd also say value your acquaintances because they are just that - you can pick & choose more easily when & how you relate to them. Real friends are a real gift but not easy to find once you are older or in a new area as people are often set in their ways or already have as many friends as they can manage & it's easy to feel an interloper in a group with a long history together.

Good for you greatnan I always thought being needed was over-rated. I have to be careful on GN not to appear hard or cold hearted, but really it is because I am not sentimental. But then OH is still very much with me and he would have hated a sentimental, needy wife.

My main wish for myself and others is freedom- to do what they want when they want to do it. But it has its price.
I had different empty nest syndrom. When our youngest daughter was 18 we - the parents left home and were sent to live abroad. We left the girls the house, with enough furniture and sure enough they matured so quickly it was breathtaking. And they didn't need me so I got used to it and now I like it!

Breath taking !

Margaret, my case was similar - I went to work in Monaco and was able to buy both my daughter's small houses and support them when their children were young. It didn't stop me being very close to my grandchildren - and now my daughter has emigrated to NZ and keeps in touch with her own grandchildren by phone, Skype and photos.

She made me laugh when she told me about taking her eldest son to Durham university. He had been a bit of a pain and caused problems with her other five children, who all got on very well. All the other mothers were weeping, but she and her husband waited till they got out of sight and then punched the air! He is now a very loving big brother , especially to the brother and sister who remained in England and a great uncle to his two little nieces.

I don't really understand empty-nesters - you bring your children up to be independent and launch them on the world. Then you are free to indulge all the interests you had to put on hold whilst you were running round after them. Enjoy it!

Not everyone is the same as you, Greatnan. Does that make them unworthy of consideration?

My American sister-in-law wrote a very funny letter when their youngest daughter left for university. She couldn't understand empty nest syndrome either and mentioned how nice it was not to have to wonder, when you wake up in the night, whether the children have come home. And that she and my brother were eating mushrooms at every meal.

And yet, she is the jolliest of hosts, loves a crowd, throws big, generous, but easy-going parties when the kids are home.

And then she loves it when they all go away again.

I didn't say anyone was unworthy of consideration - only that I don't understand it.
You know, you really don't have to say something negative about everything I post - it is becoming a bit obvious.

ANA , not to me .

Greatnan, I can't remember the last time I responded to one of your posts - can you?

I don't understand why people are dismissive of others' concerns or problems just because they themselves do not share them - that's all.

My life fell apart when my kids left home and my marriage ended at the same time. I never felt I was putting anything on hold but shared their interest in films and music; the house was always full of their mates..piano playing and guitars. There was always someone floating round the house to chat to about just about anything. Most of our friends had moved away looking for work and we didn't have much family [well, I had none anyway]. There was suddenly just an empty house with me in it. Even more so when my son had been back from uni and then gone back again. The emptiness was tangible in some way. It was horrible.

"Even if you have only been a home maker"

I can't believe someone on here said that. If there were a few more dedicated home makers about, there might not be so much misery showing itself all the time on Gransnet.

"Only a home maker" !

Yes Tegan. Every time they came home and then went away again, there was always those few days when the sadness seemed to renew itself. I used to go for long walks to get away from that feeling.

I'm glad those days are past now.

We haven't heard again from Suzz. I hope she hasn't been put off after being brave enough to post about her feelings. The joy of gransnet is that we are all different and have different perspectives on things. It is really useful when someone is feeling low and alone with their feelings - there is always someone who understands.

I hope I can say that I brought up my sons not to need me. One went off to work summer and winter seasons in the holiday industry in Europe; the other to University in Glasgow. Of course they came back from time to time, but I managed to develop my own life and interests - work, politics and OU courses. It was fulfilling to see them grow up and become responsible husbands and fathers. It's very satisfying that they still talk to me regularly and welcome me to their homes. And they feel free to tease me in a most disrespectful manner!

It's not about them not needing you. Most kids grow up to be independent and to stand on their own two feet. There's nothing to be self congratulatory there.

It's how we deal with it when they start the leaving process. For a while it can be quite difficult.

I was followed everywhere by my father when a teenager. He used to be waiting at the garden gate in the evening, just in case a boy walked me home from the church youth club.(those were innocent times)

Then he died when I was 17 and suddenly I was FREE! My mother was busy sorting out her finances etc and actually trusted me not to do anything silly.

I wanted my daughters to always feel free to do what they like, say what they like and they do! I felt very lonely without them abroad without house, friends. job and family. I was the home maker again, and had to get on and make a home for OH and myself, but it felt strange without the girls.
Now we all live once more within 150 km of each other and see each other often enough but not every week.

"... when they start the leaving process." We do get plenty of warning that it'll happen so there is time to mentally prepare. A child's independence increases inch by inch from the moment it can move away from its parent(s). It's the parents' job to facilitate this as smoothly as possible, which includes preparing their own feelings and attitudes for the ultimate nest-leaving.

That's not to say the nestlings won't be missed sometimes, but it's not difficult to adapt, bit by bit, to the changes that take place throughout a child's life towards their leaving the nest.

Well, maybe it is difficult for some but, as people have pointed out, there are lots of ways to make it less difficult for oneself. So do it. Take a step. Join something. Start a hobby or study something. Get involved in something elseor with other people. That's what the kids do and that's what parents have to do too.

We've had eighteen years, more or less, to get used to the idea.

It's not just kids who need us. My parents, individually due to their divorce, have been very demanding of my time and attention. And other relatives in their turn have needed help. I'm not a natural carer but I've done what was expected and have been/am the spam in the generational sandwich. At times I'm downright horrible because of the demands and expectations. The thing is that I've never had the time, money or energy all at the same time to discover 'me' so I understand the OP. I did my bit teaching my kids to be independent but no-one taught my parents! And now, if I resist my mothers demands for company (over and above all the medical appointments, shopping etc) I get that old 'I may not be around much longer' to contend with... Apologies for the whining but its a c**p day!

Mollie . I well remember that time of being in the middle of the sandwich. It is so hard trying to please everyone. When I look back I don't know how I managed to work, study and do all the caring things. NO wonder some people aren't sure what to do with freedom! Hope things calm down for you.

AW mollie you are welcome to come and whinge on GN. People who do emotional blackmail are usually pretty skilled at pressing the buttons of those they want to control. Moral of story - get out and make contacts beyond the family, while we can. We do not want to be very old and giving grief to family like that if we can help it, do we.

mollie whine away and I'll join you. I've found myself but the demands of being available for my mum really get me down sometimes too!