Little boys and fighting

Hi, Flickety (this is my fed up with it look). Yes, Mike the Knight has appeared in my little grandsons' lives and I'm partly to blame. We started with a Viking boat and castle, horse, visor and various figures and all was well, then it was the swords, albeit short and covered in foam, still potentially harmful. Relatives saw that they had the harmless toys and looked for more Mike the Knight stuff to add to them, not realising that the emphasis on play was turning to combat. The swords were confiscated and words were had. Now, they earn a point for being kind to each other and us each day, and extra points are earned for not shouting blood-curdling battle cries! They've done well this week and are earning enough points for afternoon tea at the chocolate shop on Wednesday. Seems to be normal for little boys to be attracted to fighting games that include the odd extra shove or elbow!

It is that old nature / nurture thing again! When I worked in a playgroup we allowed no weapons of any sort but the boys soon made guns and swords from lego. Although they were strongly discouraged it seems like a kind of innate thing in little boys which has to be gently "trained out" of them. While the girls (in general) turned the climbing frame into a house, the boys turned it into a castle. If the girls persisted with the house the boys would become firemen and "hose down the house". I am fascinated as a student of women's studies (many years ago) how this seems to be part of the growing up process. I hasten to add the gun toting, fighting boys generally turned into really nice thoughtful young men. There is hope.

Hi Flickety don't worry..it's normal! I have seen this in 100s of children. Try saying ( with conviction) something like ' I am really scared! If you chop my arm off it will really hurt' He will probably reply with ,somrthing like, 'No it's just a plastic sword'. He knows it is fantasy and not real and is simply exploring and enjoying this 'pretend' play. It is good imaginative play and just fine..even if it gets a bit wearing! You could try to re-direct by getting involved and sending him off on dragon hunts or ogre slaying mission

My 5yr old DGS did not want to stop playing recently when it was bedtime and said he could 'light-saber your legs off' to prevent his mum chivvying him into the bath!

Yes, nanaej we had protests of 'we're only pretending!' whilst one was crying buckets about the red mark on his arm and the other had a grin on his face. My sons never had toy weapons but could be seen fashioning them out of Lego, and would make a beeline for them when we went to other houses where they were allowed them. They have turned out to be peace-loving men.

My brother and his pal were always playing 'Polish resistance' and my little brother was always the Nazi being shot or tied up! If not that then cowboys and again my little brother was always the 'indian' being caught and punished! All are non-violent adults now and have a full grasp of the colonialisation of north America!!

It starts early! My sister-in-law gave DS1 a cowboy outfit for Christmas when he was not quite three. Next thing I knew was DS2, aged 11 months, crawling round the corner into the kitchen, brandishing a six-shooter, shouting 'Nang, nang!' He is now very particular about his own sons' toys and rejects guns as unsuitable. However, water pistols somehow find their way into the garden!

I agree, perfectly normally part of growing up. DG has no such toys but we went to the woods and he picked up a stick which soon became w weapon. At 3 he fully understands it is only make-believe. Our 3 had dolls and prams/pushchairs and didn't become mothers and they had toy guns and action men but didn't become violent.

DGS does nothing to hurt anybody, there is no real physical contact, it is just that currently all his play is stabbing, killing slashing accompanied by just that vocal description of his play as he does it. Having had a son who never showed any interest in playing 'bang bang you're dead' games and gathered from MiL that DH never had any interest in such games either, the intensity and unremitting nature of DGS's behaviour is disconcerting, especial as his parents are both peacekeepers by nature.

I think that there has been some research into this type of play and the conclusion is it is not a symptom of any future aggressive behaviour. I think it also concluded that removing or avoiding weapon play was a bit useless as kids just create their own!

DGS has spent most of his life dressed as a knight or a superhero causing death and destruction wherever he goes. His best friend has never shown any interest in either the costumes or the weapons and is much happier practising his reading and writing.When he first started I used to try and join in, and die realistically. He would look at me condescendingly and say "It's only pretend Granny".

I never played with girls' toys when I was little, but spent a lot of time playing cowboys and indians with the boys. My hero was Roy Rogers. One of my most treasured toys was a very realistic flintlock pistol. So far I have not turned to a career in armed crime.

I loved playing with guns as a child as well Deedaa, even though in other ways I was a bit of a wuss. I also loved running around the woods and climbing trees (I was rubbish but determined). One of my sons loved toy guns, the other wasn't interested. I think we should celebrate little boys' energy and otherness as long as they are not aggressive to others. I feel just as concerned for little girls who are expected to be quiet and good and are not encouraged to find their own limits. I think there is a danger that because children have so little freedom these days they have fewer opportunities to just run wild. There was something to be said for those unregulated 1950s childhoods.

I think he should be playing with other toys as well. Has he got plenty of Playmobile/building site vehicles/fire engines/ambulances etc etc.

They all love being knights and cowboys, but it shouldn't be too dominant.

He has toys beyond measure. DS and DDiL were the last in their group to have a family and their friends have inundated them with their children's outgrown toys. He used to enjoy building bricks and playing with a toy farm but once dressing up as a knight or Viking arrived in his life......

His older sister's play is almost entirely based on role play and her aunt, who is a good dressmaker has made her a number of dresses to accommodate all the different people she pretends to be and we all thought that he too should have an opportunity to dress up so it started with a knights outfit, he also looks indefensible cute in his cavaliers costume, but he has just concentrated on the possession of the weapons. Before that being scary was a dominant feature of his play and this is an extension of scariness

DGS is also fascinated by animals from insects to elephants. Slugs and snails are often brought into the house for everyone to admire and a bumble bee crawling drunkenly across the grass from clover flower to clover flower was cause for five minutes concentrated watching while I was there but sooner or later it is back to the axe and the sword and the killing, stabbing and slashing.

He will grow out of it. All small boys have some aggression in them. Something else will come along to grab his attention soon.

Have you seen the new range of Horrible Histories toys? Romans and Egyptians, with the odd Ghengis Kahn and William the Conqueror thrown in for good measure! (Latest craze with mine)

He loves Horrible Histories but I think we will avoid any toys that will have him recreating their battles. Currently he enjoys walking round the house with a round cushion on his head telling everyone that he is Henry VIII!

As long as its not Richard iii ! Growing up with big brothers there is always aggression in young boys. Whether they practice there judo moves on you or take you to the flicks and make you sit through Star wars 3 times!! Or practice overarm bowling on the cat!

Three small kids in a playroom in the early eighties in my house. Suddenly yelps from the smallest who was lying on the floor and had been run over with play prams. The mother of two of them went to investigate and her older son when asked "What happened?" said: "We were just playing Wacky Prams."

She left the room smartish with smallest child so that the older two (my eldest and hers) couldn't see her suppressing her laughter. She joined me in the next room where I was breastfeeding the youngest of the four and we both had a good grinning and eye-rolling session.

All four of those kids have turned into non-violent responsible citizens.

It's normal. Stop worrying.

At Cubs (8–10 year olds), two or three of them are always scrapping – the boys physically, the girls snidely. If it gets too much or I need them to stop in order to do something else, I just say Oi! They stop...

... for a while

Sounds just like GN Bags, except that the Cubs stop.

I think there is a world of difference between the pretend fighting that everyone has been talking about and the biting, pinching and scratching that some children do that really does need to be addressed.

Two of my five grandsons worried their mothers because they didn't show any aggression! They both turned out to be highly academic and would much prefer to read a book or make something complicated with Technique Lego than get involved in a scuffle. Oddly enough, they were both popular at school, even though they were often jokingly told they were geeks.

It's trendy to be a geek.

gorki, I agree. Real troublemaking childhood aggression is easy to distinguish from imaginative play and needs to be dealt with.

All this is perfectly normal behaviour. My GC, boys and girls, all play Mike the Knight, pirate, Star Wars, etc. My own children did the same and have grown up into decent, non violent, professionals.
I recently watched my 2-year old GS and my 3-year old GD have a sword fight. She hit him on the shoulder with her sword. He stopped, looked at her in amazement and said 'Don't you know the rule? You only hit the sword not the other person'.
That says it all I think. There are rules, you don't hurt anyone and there's a good measure of self control. They are learning this from their play.

My oldest daughter was born in 1972 and I was determined to provide toys, clothes and experiences that didn't stereotype her. I wouldn't let my poor mum buy a pram for the first christmas, but agreed mum could buy a push along truck with colourful wooden bricks in it. The bricks were emptied out, and my little girl got a peg, wrapped it in a tea towel, and sang happily, as she snuggled her baby into her pram. Mum sat smiling knowingly in the corner. I recall an afternoon on the beach with my two little girls, and my sister with her two little boys, all the children pre school age. The boys spent all their time attempting to find worms in the worm cases left on the sand. The girls spent their time avoiding the worm cases, and trying to find shiny pretty shells. One of my sisters little boys was given a pram for his 3rd birthday, in which he pushed Monkey, his favourite toy around. Nanaj, yes, there is research about the need children have to explore aggression/ nurture etc through play.