spending the kids inheritance

That too.

There is no "should" about it. As soon as "should" comes into it, then visiting becomes a chore rather than a pleasure. Just because you are the mother of adult sons and/or daughters doesn't mean that you deserve anything at all.

Btw I should hate to think that the social interaction between absentdaughter and me was to do with a potential inheritance. (It isn't and I don't.)

I don't think I have ever had to remind mine that I deserve consideration.

My children are not responsible for my feelings. If they do something that I feel upset about, I might explain what has upset me, but I don't use how I feel to make them visit - they just do. They know if they let me know they're coming round I will usually feed them, ask them about their news, and update them about all the things I've been doing whilst they've been at work!

I take my cue from my paternal grandmother - it didn't matter how frequently we visited, she was always pleased to see us and would rustle up egg and chips with a mountain of bread and butter and pot of tea. We always felt welcome.

I had two sets of grandparents. One grandmother was just like yours, When, always glad to see you, never critical. The other could always quote exactly how long it was since you had last visited. "Haven't seen anything of you for three weeks! I suppose you were all around at Mrs X (other granny) while I was here all on my own!"

One day she asked me (I was about six) "You like Mrs X better than me, don't you?" I had never actually thought about it - I was fond of them both - but I was a polite little girl, so I agreed.

I guess we ars all different. And the same too.

#peaceandloveman

I'm very surprised to have had an email from my son to ask if I'm in the country this C (banned word) as he's trying to sort out his doings!
I haven't seen him for at least 3 years!
He won't come if his sister is visiting as he can't stand children! She will have 2 by then.
As some of you know, he is as his sister says "weird". I'm afraid I do find him difficult to deal with, but he is a very caring person.
I've just said I'm at home, as I his sister might be needing some help.
Beginning to wish I hadn't cancelled my 'C' cruise as I've now been told dd wants to spend most of it with new dd and her 2 yr old!
Just might book a last minute one!

j08 I think there is likely to be an enormous differences in our arses.

Yeah right , if you say so elegran , it might be right !!

Bloody kindle fire!

I'd bet they're pretty similar Absent.

Jingle what did you mean to type?

Sorry, meant absent

I am sad to hear that your children do not visit very often and I guess only you can speculate as to why that might be as you know the history. Our children never understand the power they have to hurt us.

But any money you might have given them should be a freely-given offering with no strings as regards what you expect from them.

It must be a difficult situation for you. Do you think they know how you feel?

I've just looked back at my other post and realise how selfish it sounds.
We would of course help the children if they needed it.

My mum was like your grandmother When.She never had much but was always pleased to see children,grand children,nephews and nieces and could rustle up a meal from nothing. My friend practically has to make an appointment to see her parents because they have to be prepared!

Galen - get on that cruise and make your excuses! grin

I think they all just are extremely busy. One of the GC came to see us and said they suddenly realised they hadn't seen us for two weeks! actually it was seven weeks. I just smiled sweetly and said 'lovely to see you at any time.' My mum would have said 'well actually it's seven . Wondered what had happened to you.' in a frosty voice.

Yes we spent a lot of their inheritance, we renovated our home so that we could live comfortably and not have costly repairs in our dotage. DS asked me if I had spent his inheritance and I told him " yes, and some " he just laughed.

I think rojon could probably do without hearing about other people's fabulous relationships with their children. Some of the contributions come across as rather smug.

There are lots of different sorts of parent/child relationships. Some parents have been so generous with their time, help and money that they are taken for granted by their children and those around them. I know a woman who looked after her elderly mum until her death, who cared for her unkind and unfaithful husband after he became wheelchair bound and up until his death several years later, and who has always helped her children in every way she can. She's now in her seventies and is still providing childcare for grandchildren. And yet her sons and daughters don't seem to reciprocate in any way - quite happily going abroad on holiday and never inviting her. Her children probably don't see themselves as uncaring, but they probably don't even realise that their mother is getting older and that she might need their support for a change (not that she ever complains). When somebody has always been so cheerfully capable and available, there is a risk that their contribution becomes so much "part of the scenery" that it's not even noticed.

Conversely, children who have had less supportive and caring parents may continue in adulthood to try and "win over" their parents by being overly attentive and sensitive to their feelings - sometimes to the detriment of other relationships.

rojon It must be upsetting to feel that your children are fairly near and yet they're unable to spare more time to come and visit you. I would feel the same. They are, no doubt, very busy with work and families, and, in these difficult times, it's easy to become preoccupied with one's own problems and assume that other people are managing OK. I don't know what the answer is except perhaps to let them know how much you enjoy their visits when you do see them.

Eloethan Why do you assume that some people are being smug ? Maybe they are just saying that they are very lucky to have thoughtful children. Should we never let others know our good fortune in case it upsets someone else. No doubt most people have problems and concerns in their life but don't always post about them on here. If people choose to make their problems public they surely must expect a mixture of comments.

Ariadne Well said.

It seems that we might be treating 2 subjects as if they are one. We have given money to ours as and when it seemed like a good idea but never to help them pay their normal bills as we feel that would make them financially dependent on us and therefore not in their interests. Help with moving costs, legal fees and deposits, help with the costs of a first baby etc.

Second subject - 2 keep in touch and visit and we visit them and Skype a lot with the one outside the UK. They both tell us to enjoy ourselves and don't want to profit from our deaths. The other is married to a very difficult person and we hardly every hear from them at all. They have never told us to enjoy our savings but seem to be the most aware of our financial worth! They will be very surprised at our wills when we fall of our perches!

They were as far as possible brought up the same so we don't feel that anything we have done has made a difference to their attitudes just in case there is any smugness going on.

I agree with you JO8. We do deserve some consideration. Not forthcoming round these parts though I'm afraid. I've spend many years waiting for that light bulb moment when they think 'perhaps we don't treat mum and dad very well' but I realise now that's never going to happen. So
DH and I are paddling our own canoe. Bitter and twisted, me?

I do not 'expect' anything from my DDs and they do not 'expect' anything from me. Starting with that baseline we are all happy to offer time, support and help to one another and feel we have been lucky!

I do not think parents should feel they are owed visits from kids!