Anyone else on their own for Christmas?

As charleygirl said!
to you withany

Sorry keep popping up, but I fixed the Tele, it didn't have a sealed plug on it so I changed the fuse plugged it in and it went like a dream.
Also DH has responded about our DS by saying my up dates on family health is getting tedious. Would I like to act like a human being and make him a new financial offer that he would find interesting enough to sign and beneficial to him as well!!!
I told him it was not down to me to make him any offer that was attractive. He wanted judge to decide that may be quicker than him prevaricating if he wanted to make me an offer then he could. Roll on 2014. That felt so good I want a smiley for fireworks to put here.
So Telly fixed and hopefully DH senses a change in me. Whoopee I have taken that first step.

withany stop emailing, ignore him and change the locks on your house and your garage. In fact get a locksmith to do you a good mortice locks front and back. When he comes back whining (and he will - he can't stay in the US. The woman over there does not sound like the type that wants to harbour an illegal immigrant!) don't let him in. If he wants his "stuff" tell him he has to wait for a divorce agreement (half that bloody bike is yours!)
From now on let his solicitor communicate with your solicitor.
You do not have the legal training to know how to reach an agreement that is fair to you. (I assume)
I remember reading years ago - someone likened ending a relationship to cutting through a big fat rope with lots of strands. You need to start snipping through the strands at your end - it takes a while and it's a challenge.
He will still have strands too (you've been cooking his dinners and cleaning up after him all these years. General man-mummying duties? Am I right?).
Some of the final strands can remain - some couples maintain a friendship. Or they can take years to finally fray. I can honestly say that my ex doesn't cross my mind from one week's end to another these days. About once every 2 months I ask DS how his dad is, just to be polite and make sure nothing going on that is likely to affect my grown up DSs.

Your updates on HIS son's health are tedious? I do hope you have preserved that reply to show to your lawyer.

I agree totally with JessM and Elegran
DO IT Withany

I agree with every word, Jess. My experience exactly.

Oh and that damn Yamaha organ - that's half yours as well!!!

Well, he has re emailed now saying he didn't mean family health matters were tedious, it was me telling him that was tedious! same thing to me.
I was sniping, scoring points and pressing his buttons, perhaps I should reflect on how this had bought us to where we are.
Final words from me now were.
Sorry that's how it read to me (that's the tedious bit) and I have nothing to reflect on. That's it from me, he has obviously picked up on my change in attitude and is trying to shift his actions onto me yet again. Not happening GNs I have seen the light.
In response to JessM, I did 5 years in a solicitors working on the green form legal aid applications, matrimonial disputes and wills, I know it was 30 years ago but the law is very slow to change. My solicitor will see all our email correspondence if she needs to. I cannot bar him from the house or change the locks because he does still own half of it. There is no police record of domestic disturbance or the like, legal aid will not pay for a warrant or anything like that without this, I am just taking photo's of everything he owns using todays time date. I am not frightened of him, I am not backing down. He just has to face up to what he has done and pay the price of his duplicity.
Rant over, and I am feeling good kicking him into touch... I expect I shall hit a brick wall and slide down it a few times yet but today I'm in control.
Thanks everyone for your support.

Well done withany, if you feel yourself weakening, just log onto GN and we will support you until you feel stronger .

I do not understand why you have to allow him into the house, he was the b**** who decided he would leave to visit the "love of his life", whether he owns 50% or not

If he does return, do zilch for him, make him do everything for himself, including buying his own milk for a cup of tea. That includes washing powder etc because money does not grow on trees and you do not run a hotel for his convenience.

Do not forget that you will need rent to help towards heating, lighting etc.

Good for you withany, you will have blips but we can soon stir you up again!

I'd check your rights re letting him back in withany because some things do change. And if he does move back in you will be in a less powerful position.

withany all I can say to you is what I would do, you of course will decide your own future. The main thing to ask yourself is "Do I still love him" if any part of you loves him still, it will be very difficult for you in times ahead because he will emotionally blackmail you, If you do not love him, and why would you, do every thing you can to get this man out of your life. It will be hard at times, but how would you go back. on what he has done to you?
Stop him having any access to any money and anything in the house. Possession is nine tenth of the law, or so they say, sit tight and let him run up bills with solicitors, after all you have suffered cruelty at the hand of this man. You are a very brave and strong woman. Hang on in there

Hi, in response to Charley girl, and Jess M I'm afraid that is what my solicitor says. But Charley Girl you must have joined this chat late, because he won't come here to live he has secured himself a sheltered housing flat, by saying he was too frightened to come home, he felt vulnerable and of course at 66 he is entitled to help, and a snip at £76 per week including council tax, and water rates.
newist. You are so right about the love bit, my head and my heart have been fighting since this started, but the final straw I think for me was his attitude to our youngest sons health scare, how waiting to be clear of cancer can be thought of as tedious... yes I miss his physical presence, no I don't miss being ignored and I certainly don't miss being F'd and blinded at when he was interrupted. 45 years is a very long time, and as far as I was concerned we still had a loving marriage but we didn't. Yesterday my head and my heart decided the same thing I am better off without him. As I said he has picked up on my change and is now trying to blame this situation on me. It is not happening, I am taking no responsibility for his actions at all. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Well said Withany you are being very strong. Shocking behaviour on his part saying updates on your DS's health was tedious! I would repeat my suggestion that you no longer contact him at all. It is only giving him an opportunity to get back at you! All contact can be done through your solicitor. My daughter did this and it left her ex nowhere to go. She has been much happier.

Incidentally, well done on fixing your telly!

(((More hugs)))

I find this post "so bizarre" I wish I could have been given my sheltered housing flat so quickly and at such a cheap rent to include council tax and water rates!!

Good to see you are feeling stronger, Withany. You sound grounded and determined not to be beaten down and very focused. Long may that continue. Keep posting - you will get plenty of support from the lovely people on Gransnet.

caz I could not agree more. It would appear it was standing empty, waiting for a new tenant. The rent is also next to nothing, jammy is the word which springs to mind.

withany so pleased to hear that your son is given the all clear, it must be a tremendous weight off your shoulders. I'm even more pleased that your heart and your head are now agreeing - well done, I wish I was in that position a year ago.
If it is any help think very carefully about letting your husband have access to and control over the house, contents and personal effects. Like a fool I let my ex drive off, to the love nest she and her new boyfriend had set up without my knowledge, in my car with three boxes of clothes. I then carefully packed some 25 to 30 boxes of clothes and effects for her which she collected the following week including expensive jewellery which I had bought and whatever she emailed to say she would like. A third and final visit, other than to arrive at the house when I was not there to steal joint effects, was made the following (with her boyfriend) and I just let her have whatever she wanted. Please don't do the same. I was in shock and I suppose denial - I never dream't she would ever even consider such a thing as we were, or so I thought, solid as a rock - she deserved an Oscar for her acting. If I was able to turn the clock back I would have let her take nothing at all and certainly never have allowed her to use my car to do it. Please take time to think about what is best for you as if your husband is anything like my ex he will not have any consideration for you, your feelings or your wellbeing. Think carefully and do what is best for you. Best wishes and take good care of yourself. If only I could practice what I preach!

How are things now for you PS? You have really been through it too.

Well thank you all for your kind words and to PS. I am taking your advice he is only allowed to take clothes and toiletries no more assets. He has emailed me today to ask if I will again make him an offer of the financial settlement I really want, for him to re consider because he says once that is done everyone(don't know who everyone is) can move on.
I'm afraid without thinking I said I wanted my life back, I didn't want to be pushed into this new life, I wanted to be loved and secure again, I wanted my retirement years to be peaceful and safe. What price would he put on my life, make me an offer, my solicitor email address then followed.
Heard nothing back of course, and I hope I don't I am seeing my solicitor in early Jan. and will talk to her about taking my time, I feel I am being rushed into things divorce and house sale have to go together, and I think I would like a bit of breathing space where I can think things through properly I am just running on empty dealing with things as they arrive.
The latest required an electrician and I asked my DH if he would pay for half. DH responded with he would pay half of the bill for ME but I would have to wait for the money as he was a bit short!! told him electrician didn't do credit I would have to sacrifice some of my jewellery to pay for it, and add the bill to the divorce pot. He was not paying for ME there was no ME it was for the home which he has a share in and in his interest to make sure it is kept safe and secure.
Didn't have a good day anyway, went to town and everyone seemed to have someone it just rubbed I expect so I had a little tear in the car, then the first email I get is DH this can all be left now until he come back to U.K. My lovely DS DIL and DGD are coming to stay on 27th just for a couple of days but I am so looking forward to that, we are going to have Christmas again, and a toast to his continuing good health.
I am trying for an early night tonight nearly midnight again. My wrinkles under my eyes are getting bigger, I am hoping once I get some decent sleep they will get smaller. I have lost 2 stones 3 ibs since fist week of November and lost 2 dress sizes just 2 more dress sizes to go, I'm hoping that will happen by DH's return, the new hairstyle and some really smart clothes, o.k. so I'm waiting for a new knee, but my walking stick is classy. Want DS to see what he has thrown away.

Off to bed now. Once again you have come to my rescue.
and Hugs to you all.

Try to stay strong withany. Congratulations on the weight loss, it will help with your confidence. I know what you mean about thinking everyone has someone but that is not true. Many of us are alone for one reason or another - but it's OK to have a little cry now and again, you are mourning the loss of your marriage.

When he comes back you may find yourself weakening but you must remember that he made the decision to go off at a time when your son needed the support of ALL his family, he left you alone at a family orientated time - Christmas.

However, if you do decide to give him another chance, be sure to set some ground rules.

Enjoy your time with your family and don't forget there are a lot of us who will be alone over Christmas so if you are feeling a bit down - come onto GN for a chat.

withany I hate to say it but if the b*****d could do it once he could do it again so I would give a lot of thought to taking him back. Been there, done it and got the T shirt!

Enjoy the time with your family, try not to give him much thought and concentrate on the serious matters with your solicitor in January.

You are not alone, there are many of us who have been down that route.

Hi, please don't miss understand me, I don't want him back, he won't be coming back here, he will come back to his flat. I can't forgive what he has done, I could never trust him again. It was just his arrogance that got to me, that's why I asked him what value did he put on my life, lets start there.
As far as I'm concerned solicitor will ask for what I am entitled to, she is not emotionally involved and will deal with everything.
My sons both say, don't be pushed into anything if I want time to think about what I want rather than responding to what he wants then take all the time I need, just get solicitor to sort out lock changing protocol and the financial settlement I am due, and take it from there. I don't have to rush into divorce, unfortunately that and the finances have to run together, but will have that explained more fully when I see her. I think if we can agree the per centage split on property and assets before the divorce is applied for, it just goes through the court on a rubber stamp.
Enough of him
Weather here is terrible gale force winds and lashing rain, course the dogs still wanted to go out. One of the paths I was on was like paddling in a river and the mountain road the water was just pouring down it. Pleased I am 1300 feet up, think I shall need an aqualung to take them this afternoon! thank you everyone,

More ((( hugs))) Withany. You are right to take your time to sort yourself out emotionally before rushing into the horror that is contested divorce proceedings. Sunseeker is right. You need to have time to mourn the loss of your marriage, harder perhaps than a death because he CHOSE to leave you. He sounds as if he has lost the plot.

At least your sons sound as if they are being supportive.

Weather forecast for here (Nothern Ireland) very scary!!