Are you a good mother?

I tried my best as a mum, and have a really good relationship with all my children , despite not having a clue what to do with my first baby at 19 ! When DS2 and his GF decided to decamp to Camden and live ( squat ) with DS1 he was having a right old moan at me, saying DS2 was like having an exotic pet, and why wasn't I seriously worried about him - we had a bit of barney, which ended in me saying ' Sorry Im such a crap mother' and hanging up... I had a text from him which I still have 10 years later

' your not crap you're just different and we love you for it '

I think i will have that on my tombstone....

It is a transition some don't make as well as others..from parenting children to being a parent of an adult.

My aunt could not do that..she still tries to run her sons lives (and mine and my brothers) and that just makes it harder to visit! I know she is going to lecture me about something, complain that my brothers /cousins have not been to see her enough etc etc and then tell me in detail of how poorly she has been and drag u issues that have been done and dusted for years! Both her sons live overseas with their families. I do not think that is accidental! I accept that as they are bi-lingual overseas jobs/lifestyle were easier for them to be drawn to but think if their Mum's attitude had been different they would have been back more often or arranged for her to live nearer to them!

She is not in top health but she is well enough to live in her own home and not need care. Understandably she gets lonely and I try to go to see her once a fortnight and my cousin does the week I don't go and then we take her out for a meal every so often. She can be great fun and has a GSOH & I love her very much BUT she does not make it easy...
I feel guilty not going more but as my parents (her brother & SiL) died a long while back I filled that gap with my DDs, friends and now my DGC.

Jing, maybe we're most of us better mums than we were when we were younger women. We don't have as many responsibilities in the mum department either thankfully

I've already said, I think I'm a good one now. [halo]

I was good at Breastfeeding too absent and pretty good when they were little. As time went on I made a few or maybe a lot of mistakes. Be difficult not to I think. But we never know we are making them at the time. Biggest mistake of all was not picking better when selecting the other parent!
Now? How do we know what being a good mother to a grown up man (on the other side of the planet) looks like?

I'm not at all convinced by the "all you need is love" approach when I think about a friend who has never doubted her mother's love for her but who grew up without much in the way of practical care – such as regular meals, or, indeed, any sort of meals some weeks, – whose education was constantly interrupted and who spent quite a lot of time caring for her mother during bad trips and emotional breakdowns. Truly not a good mother by anyone's reckoning but she did love her daughter.

Btw We are still mothers – after all, it doesn't stop once they leave "home". Are we any good at it now?

Sure are, Mama .

I had my first son when I was 20 and my second just two years later.

I did things by the book, but 'the book' back then was very different from the one they use now, so from a modern viewpoint it is easy to wish that I had done things differently.

For instance, once I had tried everything I could to comfort my eldest son (who spent almost every waking moment crying for at least the first 12 months), I would put him in his cot and leave him to it. Nowadays, that would probably lead to accusations of neglect, whereas back then it seemed appropriate and even 'normal' with such a difficult baby.

Also, as my boys got older, I was too quick to smack them for being naughty, something which I now think was, for the most part, pointless and unproductive.

Looking back , I definitely wish that I had dealt with those things differently.

However, both boys have grown up into loving, confident, responsible young men. and they have very fond memories of their childhood so I must have done something right.

One thing is for sure, I very different as a grandmother from how I was as a mother - but they are two different roles, aren't they!

I was a fantastic mother! Well on some days I was but on others I was bloody awful! Most of the time I guess I was OK! My 2 DDS are bright, sociable young women, have a level of education and skills that enable them to work and have a positive outlook on life. They take an interest in community and political events and parent their children as well as I did

They trust me with their children and are happy to spend time with me so, touch wood, I have done OK so far.

I think I did my best - we were married when I was 19, after DD was born. (That is a story I've told before!) None of it, obviously, planned! I was an only child, and knew nothing about babies. But I learned fast, and, as you do, got on with it. By the time my second son was born, I felt like an old hand.

I do think that, being so young, I had lots of energy and determination, and remember running around with them in the parks, and learning to feed them on very little money.

I went back to university when DS2 was 3, and carried on studying and working from then on. My experience as a parent certainly fed into my teaching!

They have all three turned out to be lovely, intelligent, compassionate people, so maybe I got something right. And they are loving children too. AND they have the most glorious children, of course! Six of them...

Sense of fairness if you've got two squabbling brats siblings?

Hmmm. Not sure about that. Think there might be a bit more to it really.

Common sense?

Values sorted?

flicketyB you've hit the nail on the head ..."love is all you need, the rest is detail".

In answer to the OP, I've never claimed to be a good mother but I did my best.

As my two sons turned out well I assume that I was good enough. DS1 is the father of my two grandchildren and he seems to trust me with their care

Looking back, no doubt I could have done some things differently!

Looking back I think a good parent can be defined simply as a parent whose children feel absolutely confident that their parents love them, all the rest is froth.

When I look back at my relationship with my parents, my mother in particular, it was never entirely easy, a feeling shared by my sisters, but we remained a very close family and it was because our parents love for us was unconditional and we all knew that no matter what we did, what kind of messes we made of our lives, how we offended those things they believed in, that they would always be there to love us, protect us and welcome us home.

nightowl, you could have written my post for me. I wasn't a good mother, I don't think. Certainly not as good a mother as I am a grandmother. I was always fraught - always worried about money, and rather impatient. The children were always fed well and clothed warmly, although there wasn't anything left for anything fancy in any way.
I'm a good mother now. Maybe too late - but I don't think so.

FlicketyB, absolutely agree with you. Surely, we all reflect on things we done, and can see how it could have been done better. Parenting is the most difficult job most of us ever have, we muddle through, loving our children, doing the best we can, as life continues to happen all a round us.
Not long before he died, my dad asked my sister if he'd been a good dad? He'd been ruminating on all the changes of school we experienced as he pursued his career. . We were all reduced to tears to think of dad, who was unwell at that time, worrying he'd somehow let us down. I never met a perfect parent, didn't have perfect parents, and know I haven't been perfect. One of my big regrets is following the advice about breast feeding in the early 70's. It was complete rubbish, as a result of which I moved onto bottle feeding, on the advice of the health visitor, when my baby was 6 weeks old. Good start eh!

Anyway, I thought we all knew that a mother's place is in the wrong!

I don't think I was a particularly good mother, because a lot of the time I 'muddled through'. However unless my children are very good actors, they seem to think I was a terrific mother. They write me these heartfelt cards, both of them, of how lucky they are. All I know is that I kept them close and was always with them, there was a home cooked dinner on the table at the same time every night without exception, and when they were teenagers our house was the local hangout (with me present of course).

And - I think I've posted about this before - my daughter then about aged 6 teaching me a big lesson. "Quality time" was all the rage back then and I had called her because I was ready for our "special time", she stood with her hands on her hips and told me "I'm not coming now, it's not a good time for me". This happened a few more times before I realised that kids actually just need time when they need it. All the time, actually!

Or, perhaps it is just because: I got the biggest backhanded compliment from my daughter yesterday when I overheard her saying "Oh, no my mother won't mind that at all, she is the most laidback person I know". .

Anyone who cannot look back and see things they could have done better, was probably a pretty poor parent.

Despite my mistakes I have two children who are pleasant, honest and work hard. After that it is difficult to sort out nature and nurture as I can see traits of character, good and bad, in each that are inherited and some I hope I nurtured. They are now in their 40s. DS and DDiL are loving and caring parents, DD happily single and we still remain a close family unit, even though we do not live close to each other.

There is not much more than that one can hope for.

I have never claimed to be a good mother. After my horrible upbringing I didn't want anything for my DD other than to be the same as the other kids at school - to be clean, well dressed, go on school trips if we could afford it - none of which I had. Not sure if that was the right thing. You do what you believe to be right. She is a good mother herself but far more ambitious for her DD (who is very bright) than I was with her. She tells me she knows she is a good mum, I never really thought about it at the time. My DD has turned out well, is hard working etc so I suppose I must have done something right. She is always telling me I was a good mother but I'm not convinced.

I've just reread my post and think I came over as being a bit complacent. I'm not complacent. I don't think I did a good job at all but it was the best I could manage at the time and I loved it.

My children are brilliant parents (to their own and to their steps) and I wish that I had been as good as they are now.

On the plus side, they do keep coming back to see us but that's the girls rather more than the boys - not sure what that means.

Good question Absent. I did my best, and still do try to be a 'good mum'. Legally, we only have to be 'good enough' but I suspect it's natural to aspire to an unachievable perfection. It's a job most of us really want, there isn't any training, you can't simply resign, you're in it for life.
I have really enjoyed some of the comments on this thread, especially When's "phew, swerved that one".
I'm the oldest and my mum often said to me, with a wry smile "we should all get one to practice on, because the ones who come next really benefit from a more experienced mum". (My mum was the oldest in her family as well, as was her mum….)

Just glanced sideways at a little 'post it'

stuck by my computer . It says,'' Just because you are a great mum and I love you, your DD'' That's good enough for me!.

I never gave it a thought: just got on with the day-to-day business of being a mum. I didn't take up part-time work in FE until DS2 was almost 2 and that was evening classes. Full time, when they were teenagers. So I don't have a full teacher's pension. Not that I begrudge lack of career progression. I have two lovely sons and they have no complaints.