I upset DD

Ariadne, my mum used to clean my cooker when she came to visit, whether it needed cleaning or not. The day before her visit, I would do my best with it, but that was never good enough for mum! Now, had she vacuumed the stairs....

My children are always doing this to my fridge! - and rightly so. Guilty as charged!

Not sure I would be bold enough to do it to theirs though!

My SiL laid a crazy paving path. He planted wild flower seeds in the gaps The following spring, just as they were emerging, he came home to find his mother in a helpful mode "weeding" the path.

Oo-er. That was a bit of a bloomer Petallus. It's inequality down to the'enth degree I know, but my DDs can critciise my hygiene levels in my kitchen (and do) and I laugh it off.... I wouldn't dare try it with DD no.1..... DD no. 2 might laugh it off, but I'd rather not put it to the test.

I can see a problem with criticising DDs friends KatyK. Some of DD no.1's friends are absolute rubbish..... complete bimbos. I got the icy stare when I happened to comment on a hen night/weekend she was attending, one segment of which was pole dancing lessons DD was nearly 40 at the time and I just thought it was so brainless and degrading. and after I'd brought her up to be a strong, independant woman and her she was behaving like a tart!! I told her so, but it didn't go down well... I wonder what she would have said if the boot had been on the other foot! I can just imagine
Keeping' it 'zipped' is a difficult lesson to learn, believe me!

It certainly is. DBH does it to his mother - after she tried to poison us once with an elderly tin of corned beef to make sandwiches with. It was black and purple and furry inside and we worked out it was over 20 years old. After half a dozen fridge turnouts, she started to do it herself before we arrived.

I wouldn't dream of doing it to my daughter though, because I remember how mortified I was when ex-mil pointed out dirt under the cooker, and a better way to arrange my cutlery drawer ( I didn't dare change it back again until after the divorce) and how to clean grout in the bathroom, and various other things that I really didn't care about. To ex-mil, it was a matter of housewifely pride, but I have none.

I have apologised and DD said she hoped she wasn't too sharp and bought me lunch. So that's sorted.

With my new awareness I have bitten back few comments which could have been interpreted as critical this morning.

I toyed with the idea of mentioning I had posted on GN (and been sent to the naughty step) but then thought better of it.

a few comments

I live in dread of my DCs finding out what I have written about them.

What you did was protective and instinctive, that's all. I had a reminder from DS (19) a couple of weeks ago, when he wondered aloud why I was interfering helping him with something. I just said, he had been my responsibility for 18+ years and it was hard to break the habit.

The stuff in my daughters freezer is always all over the place and vegetables tend to fall out of bags when I look for something [I cook for the children twice a week] so one day I put everything in carrier bags so it wouldn't happen. The look on my son in laws face when he got home made me resolve not to do it again [a sort of 'who's been messing with MY freezer' look ]. I'm a very messy person in every way except cupboards and drawers and have to have everything ship shape and Bristol fashion in them so it scrambles my brain when I'm at their house. petallus; what you did was a 'mum' thing; no matter how grown up our kids are they tend to still seek our approval [once they've gone through the teen years and tried to do the opposite, that is] and it just touched a raw nerve with her. But you have made me realise how close I am to doing the same thing with my daughters fridge [cooked meat next to raw meat etc ] and have resolved to control my urge to move things around.

I'm still cross about the time my mother stayed while we were away (not about that bit, I think she was minding the children... ) and folded up my underwear from the airer and put it in my drawer not using the sections of the drawer tidy which I was very proud of having introduced, but folded on top. In fact it annoys me every time I open my underwear drawer and remember. I always have a "what was she even touching my knickers for" moment.

katyk . The trouble is - if I'm honest - no matter how old she is, even when she was telling me off on this occasion, I still see the cheeky little girl with her hands on her hips dressed in her favourite towelling shorts that she refused to part with, and a faded T-shirt, hair all over the place .

Both DD and DS tease me about my fridge and this has passed down to the GC asking if the food they've seen and fancied is still in date - cheeky little beggars. I wouldn't dare do that in their homes.

absent - yes i can see a problem with criticising my DD's friends. I didn't actually say anything but this particular girl and her family are the type who completely take over. The rest of us don't get a look in. They are very pushy and everything is all about them. I just sort of had my say in a roundabout way She didn't like it. I do have a friend who my DD has only met once (she doesn't know my friends) but she heard something that she didn't like about her and has made it clear she doesn't like her and even has an unpleasant nick-name for her. So one rule for them and another for us I suppose. Grannyknot - yes that's the trouble, I still see my little girl, although she is mid 40s. I have a friend who is almost 70, her mother is still alive and my friend says every time she leaves her mum's house, her mum says 'careful how you cross the road'.

I think our generation has a problem acknowledging that our grown-up children are adults and they have a problem acknowledging that we don't have quite the same oomph as we did when they were children. Probably 'twas ever thus. However, although I am happy to help out in absentdaughter's busy life with ironing, occasional housework and lots of childcare, I wouldn't dream of checking the contents of her fridge or freezer, let alone discarding items from it. There is no way that she would dream of doing that with mine either. Besides, we are far too busy chatting to each other.

I don't think we should grovel to our grown up children, an apology is all it needs.They sometimes upset US too!
We all need to back off a bit with them though, tempting as it is to make a remark.
As Teetime says, some foodstuffs [yoghurt and milk especially,] can cause bad tums.

My MIL (94) was staying with her daughter (50+) and poked her head round her door at 11 pm to tell daughter off for having the light on and reading so late. Surprise surprise, she isn't invited to stay very often.

I sometimes have doubts about stuff in DD's fridge - but hey! she's a grown up. She probably feels the same about my fridge. I do any bits of washing up when she hasn't had time, and sometimes clean the kitchen up, and she's very grateful for the help.

absent you're right about them not realising that we are not the young vibrant parents they remember: my 39 year old son is playing football with work colleagues at a sports field near our home next weekend. He asked me "Can I invite them all back to yours after the game?" - just as if he is still at Uni. He looked genuinely disappointed when I said No.

We need to get our absents sorted out!

Perhaps absentgrandma could be absentG, if her username has to be shortened? Confusing otherwise.

I know what you mean grannyknot . My DS aged 38 arrived at my house after a rugby match saying "it's my turn to wash the kit" meaning "will you do it (as you always used to)?"Actually it's no trouble, just goes through the machine and out on the line to dry and air .He wouldn't dream of asking DiL to do it though as she never has !

Hmm, lots of interesting comments on here. It simply wouldn't occur to me to do anything about the contents of my daughter's fridge, but I might comment on the paucity of contents in my youngest son's.
My sister and her mother in law never regained ground lost when her mother in law emptied and cleaned all her food cupboards, but my daughter was delighted when I did her housework whilst babysitting one evening. I guess our interactions with our adult children depend as much on context as on what we actually do or say.

Sounds like most of us are pretty sensitive to what we can and can't say and do, and it does depend on the child, sometimes.

I would never dream of looking at the sell-by dates in any of my (adult) children's fridges, let alone commenting, but they would definitely look at the stuff in mine and comment

The best thing when you want to offer help is to ask. I often stay with my eldest daughter since she had a baby, and I know she appreciates help...but I do check what she wants me to do, if I am doing anything but something very quick and easy (like putting dishes away).

My mother drives me crackers in being over-helpful when she comes here - you can't sit and have a cup of tea with and a biscuit with her for five minutes, because she wants to clear away the cups and plates and wash up for you.

I must confess that I always clean the filters in DS2's dishwasher because no-one else ever seems to do it! I only do it when they have gone off to work and just before I catch the train home. I don't think they ever suspect!