I upset DD

The stuff in my daughters freezer is always all over the place and vegetables tend to fall out of bags when I look for something [I cook for the children twice a week] so one day I put everything in carrier bags so it wouldn't happen. The look on my son in laws face when he got home made me resolve not to do it again [a sort of 'who's been messing with MY freezer' look ]. I'm a very messy person in every way except cupboards and drawers and have to have everything ship shape and Bristol fashion in them so it scrambles my brain when I'm at their house. petallus; what you did was a 'mum' thing; no matter how grown up our kids are they tend to still seek our approval [once they've gone through the teen years and tried to do the opposite, that is] and it just touched a raw nerve with her. But you have made me realise how close I am to doing the same thing with my daughters fridge [cooked meat next to raw meat etc ] and have resolved to control my urge to move things around.

I live in dread of my DCs finding out what I have written about them.

What you did was protective and instinctive, that's all. I had a reminder from DS (19) a couple of weeks ago, when he wondered aloud why I was interfering helping him with something. I just said, he had been my responsibility for 18+ years and it was hard to break the habit.

a few comments

I have apologised and DD said she hoped she wasn't too sharp and bought me lunch. So that's sorted.

With my new awareness I have bitten back few comments which could have been interpreted as critical this morning.

I toyed with the idea of mentioning I had posted on GN (and been sent to the naughty step) but then thought better of it.

It certainly is. DBH does it to his mother - after she tried to poison us once with an elderly tin of corned beef to make sandwiches with. It was black and purple and furry inside and we worked out it was over 20 years old. After half a dozen fridge turnouts, she started to do it herself before we arrived.

I wouldn't dream of doing it to my daughter though, because I remember how mortified I was when ex-mil pointed out dirt under the cooker, and a better way to arrange my cutlery drawer ( I didn't dare change it back again until after the divorce) and how to clean grout in the bathroom, and various other things that I really didn't care about. To ex-mil, it was a matter of housewifely pride, but I have none.

Oo-er. That was a bit of a bloomer Petallus. It's inequality down to the'enth degree I know, but my DDs can critciise my hygiene levels in my kitchen (and do) and I laugh it off.... I wouldn't dare try it with DD no.1..... DD no. 2 might laugh it off, but I'd rather not put it to the test.

I can see a problem with criticising DDs friends KatyK. Some of DD no.1's friends are absolute rubbish..... complete bimbos. I got the icy stare when I happened to comment on a hen night/weekend she was attending, one segment of which was pole dancing lessons DD was nearly 40 at the time and I just thought it was so brainless and degrading. and after I'd brought her up to be a strong, independant woman and her she was behaving like a tart!! I told her so, but it didn't go down well... I wonder what she would have said if the boot had been on the other foot! I can just imagine
Keeping' it 'zipped' is a difficult lesson to learn, believe me!

My SiL laid a crazy paving path. He planted wild flower seeds in the gaps The following spring, just as they were emerging, he came home to find his mother in a helpful mode "weeding" the path.

My children are always doing this to my fridge! - and rightly so. Guilty as charged!

Not sure I would be bold enough to do it to theirs though!

Ariadne, my mum used to clean my cooker when she came to visit, whether it needed cleaning or not. The day before her visit, I would do my best with it, but that was never good enough for mum! Now, had she vacuumed the stairs....

Grannyknot - I was in a similar position not too long ago. I made the mistake of letting my DD know I wasn't keen on one of her group of friends. She was furious. She told me in no uncertain terms that she was in her 40s and wouldn't be told who she could and couldn't see. I have learned to keep it zipped.

Yes, I'd grovel a bit and try to make a light-hearted joke about it. Tell her you'll go and sit on the naughty step
I remember my cleaner (in the days I worked and could afford one) chucking all my herbs and spices out that were past their sell by/use by/whatever date. I wasn't happy but hey ho it's not the end of the world

petallus forgive yourself! Recently my daughter punished me by not contacting me for 2 weeks (when we normally speak or text most days) because I said her hair looked scruffy. She put me in my place very firmly by letting me know she was no longer "9 years old" and she could do with her hair whatever the hell she liked. (She's 36).

I also grovelled, back pedalled etc. She was really cross with me though. Also said she felt criticised. I backed off after saying sorry and soon things were back to normal.

We're off to see Gone Girl together this evening .

I find I have to be really careful when offering to 'help' my DD. She works full time and has to take my DGD to lots of activities etc. I am retired and have quite a lot of time on my hands. I have offered to pop into hers in the day and do her ironing or whatever she needs to be done. She always says no thank you. I see it as an offer of help to make her life easier, she sees it as me implying that she can't manage.

Ha Ha! This is getting to be an expensive apology. We've had suggestions of flowers, wine, chocolates and now lunch???

Cheaper to keep schtum

How on earth did we survive before use by dates?

I used to have to go through my mother's fridge and throw out stuff that was weeks out of date. She used to tell people she had IBS but after her stroke when I became responsible for her meals the IBS disappeared.....funny that!

I wouldn't dream of looking at the dates in my grown up children's fridges.

Oh stop worrying now P. You obviously get on very well with her or you wouldn't have been invited to stay. Buy her a nice lunch, or a cup of tea and a bit of cake.

I would not dare do this! But then, I do have daughters-in-law, no daughters.

Just a word on sell by dates- DH recently had two very bad stomach aches after eating past their sell by date Activia yogurts - must have been the active bacteria proliferating in his stomach etc- it was very painful and lasted several hours.

My mother used to arrive for a visit bringing her own rubber gloves and clean dusters. I was working full time, so this would be during school holidays. She would then wade in and tackle the housework, ironing etc to meet her standards. "You are so busy, I am just doing this to help you" was her mantra.

And it was SO difficult - having the house immaculate was indeed a gift, but it felt more and more like implied criticism, and I never knew how to deal with it. And of course, when she went home, I had great guilt as the house slipped down to my standards!

I never said anything, and now I am glad I didn't. But for me, a senior professional person, with a staff who looked up to and respected me, it was a regression to childhood and "mummy knows best."

Just to end - her classic comment, said with great delight, bless her was "I've found out how to get behind the cooker!" Ah, mum...

Appreciate comments. I'm trying to have an honest think about myself. I wonder if I'm a bit too bossy/interfering in other ways with my DDs.

I would have expressed my concern quite forcefully but not gone any further than that.

Naughty step for petallus

My DD keeps all sorts in her fridge. She will quite happily use green potatoes, and cuts the mouldy bits off other veg. and uses them. She says we are all too fussy about use by dates. They are a modern invention, to keep the turnover at the supermarket going. Her family are all very healthy. I would not presume to throw anything away for her. They live on a very limited budget since her DH left the Navy. Yes petallus I would grovel, and make amends the best way you know how.

I would chuck out stuff that was actually rotting or covered in mould, but maybe suggest the rest needs eating up ASAP.

My DD is probably not one to take offence. I am not too fussy about sell by dates.