Please help me understand 'grief'.

Many thanks for the kind and thoughtful responses. I appreciate this very much. Yes, the fact that I never mourned my Mom has doubled my grief. Am feeling much better today.

I am glad that you are having a better day kassi. Stick with us - we all know just how you are feeling.

Another way of looking at grief, apart from the inevitable sadness, is the fact that, particularly in the case of one's parents, one's brain is programmed to the presence of that person - and has been so for many years - so there is an inevitable period of brain fog and confusion at the changed circumstances.

One thing I would say is that regret is part of bereavement - we all know we could have done things better - but it is important to put this aside as soon as you are able, as it does slow down the process and it is fruitless.

You will reach a stage when you are able to remember the happy bits and to put aside any negative ideas.

But it will be a while yet and you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a bit of breathing space to let your brain settle.

Wise and lovely words Mishap. .

So sorry for your loss Kassi. All that you are feeling is perfectly normal but can feel dreadful at the time. It is very common when you have a new bereavement for the feelings around the previous one to come flooding back especially if at the time you did not have the opportunity to grieve for them.

Do absolutely anything that helps you or makes you feel a little better for a while no matter if other people think it strange. We are very intolerant as a society in modern times people are expected to be " over it" much too soon mainly to make others around them less uncomfortable. There is no time span we are all individual. I have worked in counselling for a long time and specialise in bereavement I worked and trained for Cruse Bereavement Care in the past and recommend them as a very good caring organisation and there are branches nationally, they are all volunteers and wherever they are in the country it is the same training for all so the standard is very consistent.

Someone once said " Grief is the pain we pay for love" If you didn't care for your parents and have loved them so much it wouldn't hurt like this would it?

Do take care of yourself, try to eat well and relax when you can , alcohol is a depressant and often makes you feel worse in the long run,although a small amount can help you sleep. I send you my very best wishes, it will get better than now eventually.

I'm feeling like a terrible person reading all this, my dad died 28 yrs ago and mum 2 yrs ago next month.
I was very much a daddies girl growing up and loved him dearly. Mum and I were great friends and she helped my family in every way she could.

I haven't shed a tear for either of them I think of them, particularly mum almost every day.
What I read here is the reaction I would expect from myself and indeed was the reaction to a certain extent of mum when dad died.
I don't understand my self.

You are definitely suffering from grief, Kassi. Don't try to fight it with alcohol, though I have to admit that, in similar circumstances, I found a little tot of brandy, along with some soothing music, helped me to get off to sleep which was very necessary.
I assume from what you say that you have no siblings to share your grief over your parents' deaths. I know that my sisters and I helped each other to mourn our mother and, six years later, my father. We still talk about the good times we all had together. I had a worse time when my dear aunt and uncle (like second parents to me) died within a week when one sister was abroad visiting the other. That was painful, but my sons were adult by that time and were a huge comfort to me, as were close friends. I think that you have been so immersed in caring for your father that you have had to postpone grieving for your mother so that you are having a double dose. Can you find someone to talk to who also knew your parents? Or were they - and are you - members of a church where you can share your feelings? Grieving alone is the hardest thing of all. to you.

Given that kassi says both her parents suffered terrible deaths, could there be an element of PTSD involved as well?

I agree Tegan. I think a large part of grief if PTSD. Most of us have little experience of death until it happens unlike in times gone by when death was a part of life.

We have to deal with scary hospitals, which again for most of us aren't familiar places and sadly, these days, not always very compassionate places.

I wonder if kassi has a good support network around her. I'm an only child and I'm still missing what I never had -brothers and sisters.

People say I have an idealised view of siblings but even if you don't get on it's someone else out there.

Until a couple of weeks ago I would have agreed with that, Falcon [being an only child myself] but someone I know lost their remaining parent recently and the unpleasantness coming from their only sibling during and since that time is unbelieveable. What I do miss from not having brothers or sisters are shared memories of my childhood although part of that has been remedied by getting in touch with old school friends from primary school days.

Tegan my husband is an 'only child' and I know he would agree with you about having no shared memories. When his mother died 4 years ago, 7 years after the death of his father, I remember him saying "there's no-one I can ask now about the past, no-one to talk to". The one cousin who was the font of information about the family had also died only a short while before his mum, so he felt truly alone.

Thankfully I told the S.O. this a couple of years back and he spent a lot of time talking to his mother about her life. My mum was much younger than my dad and I always assumed we would have a lot of conversations about her childhood one day, but she died before him and, as he had alzheimers everything was lost. I'm determined to visit my last remaining older relative next week to go through old photos etc.

Thanks to all once more for support during this time. When I hear that someone 'died peacefully in his/her sleep' I wonder if this is common? It's how I would like to go when my time comes! I found the suffering my parents went through very distressing indeed.

I am lucky to have 2 siblings and we met up midway between our homes each year to have a meal together and drink a toast to our parents. We all enjoy it.

It's something that preys on my mind as well, kassi. When I was young I used to watch films and tv programmes where people just drifted away and never quite got over the fact that,in reality it isn't like that. I do think you need to have a chat with your Gp about how you feel at the moment; they are very understanding albeit often explaining that the grief process has to be worked through. But I do feel you need help with what you've been through/experienced.

Kassi - my parents' deaths were far from peaceful in their sleep and both suffered a great deal for many months beforehand. But we have all come to terms with it now, knowing that we tried our best to make sure they were not suffering more than could be helped. You will come to a moment of peace over all this - but it is too early just yet to achieve that.

I do think that talking to your GP (as tegan suggests) is a good idea, as he/she might be able to put you in touch with a bereavement counsellor; or you could contact CRUSE yourself - I know that others have found this helpful. Do not be too proud to seek that help - it really can help to move you on. Many people need to avail themselves of this help.

Oh Kassi - my heart goes out to you. My parents did die relatively peacefully and my husband also - but it was the suffering leading up to it that's so hard to bear and something that's hard to forget.

Your GP will be able to help you and give you advice on where to get help with your grief.

Do keep posting. I've found Gransnet a safe place full of wisdom and kindness.

Kassi - Falconbird is right - keep posting - it helps. In time you will be able to concentrate on the good times, the happy memories - but it does take a while and nothing can be done to hurry it, as it is so very personal. Just trust that it will happen in time - by all means do all that you can to help you through but be aware that it will take time. Talking to Cruse is a good idea. You/one needs to be able to talk to a real person (who isn't emotionally involved )it's a good idea. It's there - use it!