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(31 Posts)
mirryben31 Mon 08-Aug-16 11:22:06

I am being put in an impossible situation. My youngest son (30) has not worked for 4 years. Has lived (without contributing) with his siblings and their spouses/families and with me for a time. He caused friction between his step father and me as we have a low income and my husband asked me to speak to him about getting a job or signing in. Because my son has some mental health issues and is on anti depressants i was reluctant to do this and this resulted in a huge arguement during son tried to strangle his step father (causing bruises and finger indentations) awful things were said by the two of them and my son left to stay with friends. He has been there for nine months and still has no job and won't sign on. His sister is getting married and he wants to come stay with us for two weeks. I know he has been told he has to leave his friends and think that once in our house he will ask to stay as he has nowhere else to go. My husband says he cannot come to stay . I am torn as i am worried about my son but i know it will be the end if my marriage if he comes to stay(live)

mirryben31 Mon 08-Aug-16 11:23:02

Thoughts please

Liz46 Mon 08-Aug-16 11:30:23

I really don't think your son can go on like this. He may need some help to get his life sorted out but it needs to be done.

Would your husband allow your son to stay for two weeks if he agreed to sign on?

Nelliemoser Mon 08-Aug-16 11:52:17

Does he have a mental health support worker or has he ever had a diagnosis? If he has actually assaulted a family member you need to talk to someone about his behaviour. It is time to look after yourself.

There seem to be a lot of younger men who are in this position not apparently mentally ill enough to need support but not able to manage by themselves

This organisation might be aplace to start .

I shared an office which was led by a mental health professional and she used to despair about one local councilor on the committee who could never understand the difference between mental Health and learning disabled.

It shows the difficulties of these situations. Community care eh! It rather means no bed available to those needing "asylum" somewhere safe when in the middle of a mental health crisis.

mirryben31 Mon 08-Aug-16 12:59:34

I did get help for my son when he lived with us. He had six weeks with a councilor and was put on anti depressants. He simply refuses to either sign on for job seekers or sick, making excuses. Even the subject of him coming to stay is causing friction between my husband and i.. Even if we did agree to the visit, he has no where to go afterwards so that would be awkward. I just don't need this3 stress at the moment. My mother is ill with dementia and lives 250 miles away and i am worried sick about her. My sister has had a breakdown because she looks after my mother. My daughter is getting married in 5 weeks and i am moving house in 2 and half weeks. Oh and i forgot to mention my son has threatened to kill himself after the wedding during a discussion between us. Sorry for all the moans but i really feel at my wits end about it all.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 08-Aug-16 13:16:02

I think I would have to put my son's welfare before anything else. Once a parent, always a parent.

starbird Mon 08-Aug-16 14:44:45

mirryben31 what a dilemma, there is no easy answer, my heart goes out to you.

I can only say I think you need to think of yourself. You are going through so much at once that you need strength and support.
Your mother presumably needs professional care/help beyond what your sister can do, and this needs sorting by whoever is responsible/able to do it.
It is quite reasonable for your husband to not want your son around after what happened. It seems you have to choose between them, but as you know, it is hard to help a person who will not help himself, even if are mentally ill. Do you have a priest, doctor, or someone with wisdom and experience to turn to?
Your son will not change. It is understandable that he will not sign on as he is unlikely to get work and the pressure and aggro will not help his mental state. I do not condone his situation but understand it. However, he needs to grow up and take responsibilty for his own life and not blackmail you with threats of suicide. Unfortunately he is unlikely to be housed by the council, the only possibility is a charity. Has your son/you tried any support groups like Mencap? However he may not qualify for assistance.
Think of your own life for the next ten years, do you want to share it and be supported by your presumably loving partner or do you want to sacrifice it all for your son and live with him, without your husband, somehow supporting him financially and looking after him until you are too old and weak to do so? If you do not meet his demands, and he were to go ahead with his threat, whose fault would his death be? (Not yours) Could you live with it?
If you want to avoid any upset before your daughter's wedding you could try to persuade your husband to let him stay until then on the VERY CLEAR AND FIRM UNDERSTANDING THAT IT IS ONLY UNTIL THEN but it may be very hard to then evict him without violence.
I can only suggest that you try Mencap, but they too would need him to sign on before they would be able to offer any sort of supported accomodation.
You are truly berween a rock and a hard place.

M0nica Mon 08-Aug-16 15:35:43

I think MIND would be more helpful than MenCap.

You could also ring the Samaritans. They are very good about giving you a shoulder to cry on (and I think you need on), as well as practical advice and support. Are there any homeless charities in your area that could provide your son with help and support. He is effectively homeless even if he isn't sleeping on the street. They are also very used to dealing with people with mental health issues who wont engage with other more formal services.

mirryben31 Mon 08-Aug-16 15:38:29

Thank you starbird and liz46 and nelliemoser for your thoughts and advice. Jinglbellsfrocks, yes i am a parent and i want to help my son, but i have to be a parent to my other children, a daughter to my mother and a wife. I am also a human being and there is only so much stress a person can take before they .break. I ambtrying to do my best for everyone but something has to give.

f77ms Mon 08-Aug-16 16:06:24

mirryben31 , This is a heartrending situation you have been put in . Does your son have a Personality disorder I wonder , his behaviour would indicate that he may.

Try ringing the homeless charities/hostels in your area also Shelter for advice . Do you have funds enough get a room for him in a hostel , it is not free anymore . I fully understand your reluctance to put him up for 2 weeks as what happens at the end of that time , do you pack his stuff up and throw him out ? it would be too hard for any Mum .

Does he have drug or alcohol problems ? if so he may be able to get into a rehab and then will be helped on to accommodation usually sharing with others . It may be that you have to say if he doesn`t sign on (you could go with him) he cannot stay at all and you will not help him . Whatever happens it will be very hard and there is no easy answer . flowers

Luckygirl Mon 08-Aug-16 16:08:50

Your son needs a proper mental health assessment and treatment and support. I can understand that your OH does not want him there - he has reason to be wary of him. Getting the proper support for your son is the best long term option - but it is not always easy I know.

Anya Mon 08-Aug-16 16:14:28

No, you cannot allow him to visit/stay as you know exactly what the outcome will be.

Do not allow yourself to be blackmailed by your son's threat of suicide, but do report this to any mental health professionals who are involved with him.

He does have a social worker I'm assuming??

Anya Mon 08-Aug-16 16:16:27

Oh I see nellymoser had already asked that question but I can't see your answer to it hmm

obieone Mon 08-Aug-16 16:40:56

There is no way I would let a son break up a marriage. Especially a violent one. I dont see how that helps things anyway.

I dont understand why he is unwilling to ever sign on?

harrigran Mon 08-Aug-16 16:44:04

I do not think you are under any obligation to house and finance your son, he is an adult and will have to take responsibility for his life, it is not an option just to say he is not going to sign on. If you allow your son to stay and your marriage ends, because of this, you are going to have a lonely old age with an albatross around your neck.

mirryben31 Mon 08-Aug-16 17:46:05

Thank you all for your support. In answer to some questions: my son doesn't have a social worker. After the six weeks councelling he has had nothing but anti depressants, he only attended the councelling sessions because he would have been sectioned had he refused. He is not normally physically aggressive (only the strangling incident) He will not discuss anything to do with work, or sickness benefit. He just says he can't do it . Doesn't want to do anything that involves interaction with other people. He does have friends whom he sees and some times socialises with . I haven't the finances to help him find some where to live or i would do. However, i feel that he needs to help himself in order to live in the real world. If we keep enabling him to live without paying his way he will continue in the same way and when i am not around (i am 60) or am unable to help him, what will he do?

Elegran Mon 08-Aug-16 17:49:19

Think about what if you were not there. He would just have to face life for himself, sign on, attend a doctor, find a home. If he had to do it, he would somehow be able to.

Now think about yourself and your husband. Would you be happy to spend the rest of your lives looking after a sometimes violent young man, who is going to live longer than either of you?

And when he has worn both of you out (or done some serious damage if he is crossed) what will he have to do then? He will just have to face life for himself, sign on, attend a doctor, find a home. If he had to do it, he would somehow be able to.

He will have to be reponsible for himself at some point. You already have a lot to cope with.

Elegran Mon 08-Aug-16 17:51:21

Crossed posts, mirryben31 You said exactly what I was saying. I think you know what you must do, you just wanted to talk it over and confirm your own thoughts.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 08-Aug-16 18:00:10

He sounds a candidate for a life sleeping rough on the streets. Sorry to sound harsh, but I couldn't let that happen if I were in your shoes.

If your marriage cannot stand helping a needy adult son, I would have to think carefully about that.

Perhaps if he was living with you, you could get him to a doctor, or at least discuss the matter with your doc. He needs more help than he is getting.

mirryben31 Mon 08-Aug-16 18:14:44

Yes jinglbells frocks, i am afraid that is what will happen(sleeping rough). Which , obviously , i don't want for my son. As for my marriage , it may survive but what happens if another violent outburst ends in some one (My OH) being seriously hurt or worse? Having to chose is not easy. How ever, i asked for thoughts and you have given yours , thank you.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 08-Aug-16 18:16:36

I'll shut up. I obviously gave the wrong answer. Soz. grin

Shouldn't your OH be able to avoid such confrontations?

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 08-Aug-16 18:17:05

Sorry! Gob is zipped.

mirryben31 Mon 08-Aug-16 18:26:46

Jinglbellsfrocks. There are no right or wrong answers. I asked for opinions and i appreciate all of them . Please don't think that i only want to hear from people who say what i want to hear. I wanted objective opinions and that is what you gave.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 08-Aug-16 18:28:24

Ok. smile]

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 08-Aug-16 18:28:33