Tell me it will be okay!

You could be writing about me. My lovely second husband has been in care now for one month. My four stepchildren have made it clear to me that they no longer wish to contact me. My own children are helping me. This is after 23 years of marriage. I have helped my husband look after this family (their mother went bankrupt) taken them on holidays etc. I only wished to stay in contact out of interest in their lives - money is not a problem and they would not be responsible for me. Hard to accept at aged 83 - still there you go!

Hi I know how overwhelming these things are. DH retired at Christmas and we had to make the decision to move my Mother in (she has terminal cancer). DD and GS also live with us. I find it is worse in the middle of the night when I just feel my (our) life is not our own. We have saved for years to be able to travel, now it just seems an unobtainable dream. I feel so guilty for having the odd resentful thought, we love DD and get pleasure from our time with 2yr old GS. Have decided to take pleasure from the little things i.e. a nice glass of wine, cup,of coffee or even escaping to a local restaurant for a couple of hours sending you ???

My lovely mum moved into a retirement village two years ago at 90. I really give thanks that there was a place available and she was up for it as it's given her an absolutely new lease of life after many lonely years without our dear dad. So it can work out and i sincerely hope it works out for you. Big hugs

quizqueen excellent advice, I would also add don't let Social Services "bully" you into making the arrangement permanent unless that is what you & DH agree on. It can be a "battle" but worth it if every-one's happy

I think you need to make it clear that you are happy to help as it's an emergency but that it can only be temporary while things are sorted out. What will happen if your dad also needs this kind of help too? Will there be a property that can be sold if she splits permanently from the abusive partner, are the police involved or have been involved in the past, can the council rehome her or are there any charities or other family and friends who offer help in terms of finances, furniture, counselling etc.

Thank you all so much for your support, it really is making me feel stronger and not quite as selfish and guilt ridden as i was last night.

Barbaralynn, thank you, that is just what i needed to hear ?

I will keep popping back and updating if that is okay. Just writing it down seems to lift a load!

Many thanks to you all.

When MIL arrives be sure to get advice from something like Age Concern about paying for clothes and other things. You can sometimes get more help than you thought. Not sure what you do about money, you may have to take over Power of Attorney or something and she definitely needs to talk to a solicitor I would say. Sometimes the council/social services can offer help too.

EllaKeat Take a deep breath. It might not be as bad as you think it will be. So sorry to hear your bad news. Parents get old the same as we do. One day your children will have the same responsibilities as you.

If it looks like it is going to be full time care for your Father that is needed get a professional in. Do not be blackmailed in to doing what you find impossible to do. That will cause resentment.

Anyway, I hope your Father feels better soon. You know you are doing the right thing by your MIL. How could you leave her in an abusive relationship, I am sure she is very grateful to you for taking her in when she needed help.

I hope you will find that MIL is a Godsend when your GD arrives. Children and old people usually get on very well.

Ella 6yrs ago my husband had to collect his sick father and, after making sure his mother was ok having been taken into hospital with bronchial pneumonia that morning, he had no option but to bring his dad down here. He lived with us for 6 months before finding a bedsit in sheltered accommodation. It wasn't the easiest time as I was running my business from home and husband out at work. But I found out what financial help he was entitled to and once settled in his own place he was so happy and so are we! CAB are there to advise as is your GP as you may be deemed to be a carer if your MiL needs looking after. Every cloud has a silver lining so it is said and it is true - hopefully the lining will shine through soon for you all.

as I know how it feels when the roof falls in on you and your own expectations of a life without responsibility suddenly dissapear ..hope all goesxwell today with dad

Ella please dont feel bad about your feelings, we would all feel the same way. We are here to help you

Not had any experience, but I agree with you I would feel anxious about it to. If it was me I would sit down all 3 of you and chat about expectations and find out how independent she wants to be I.e washing her laundry/ cooking etc then discuss a way for it to work so you all fit in and have your own space.Ground rules are a must and must be done from the outset before someone is upset by something then it's harder to sort out. Good luck

Just as things can change for the worse in 24 hours so they can change for the better, try not to feel swamped because often things do work out better than expected. I am sorry to hear about your dad that is a worry........

Have you got a large mirror in your house? Go and have a look in it and see what a wonderful person you and how kind and know that karma will find you and support you, when you least expect it.

Sending love .............

I was going to suggest Women's Aid too.

Oh, big hugs for you today,EllaKeat.
Yesterday my head was buzzing like a hive but I couldn't catch MY bees . I was given support on here , just a few words of steadying advice . Later on in the day , my hive was under control .
My daughter, too , is coming out of an abusive relationship . Women's Aid, the Police and the social work department have given her huge support , advice , practical and legal advice . I never knew that such help was out there ( Maybe because I shun asking for help). I'm sure they'll help in your situation , too. Take it, they're fabby . x .

ellak, sounds the right way to go. It's understandable to have the impulse to rescue your mother in law, but please do think of the weekend as a time to draw breath rather than the beginning of something permanent. If there is a Refuge near you there will be a phone number you could call for advice about next steps. Perhaps see your home as a Refuge? Women (and men) move on from them. The CAB can advise on financial issues. I am sure your mother in law will be grateful for the comfort and safety you offer, if your husband agrees talk gently about lack of permanence but be careful not to panic her. One step at a time. Your dad has to take priority over decision making at the moment. I really hope you find him stable when you visit with a hopeful prognosis. As ga says, you will get through it, we do find the strength. Please come and tell us how it all progresses, offload if you need to, no one will mind. Take care of yourself, too.

EllaK I'm off to bed, but couldn't read and not post. There's a quote by Winnie the Pooh that's doing the rounds at the moment that says 'You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.' Probably apt for the situation you're in right now.

Thank you all for your lovely messages.

MiL is here, just had tea and settling down for the evening. The dogs have been relegated to the floor ?

Visiting dad tomorrow and just taking the weekend to let things settle. Next week we will need to face up to the future.

I will no doubt be back to have a good whinge, but thank you so much for your support.

So sorry to hear about your Dad - I guess that has to be your priority at the moment. Time to tackle the MIL situation when you know how things are with your Dad.

We had a similar situation with my FIL and we did resolve it in the end - firm but kind was the route we had to go down.

Just concentrate on your Dad for now - lots of good wishes to you and your family.

Just want to say that there is lots of good advice here and that you will cope - it's what we do! Please come and tell us how you are all getting on.

Ella the advice already given is right.
If you can pause to draw breath.
Tomorrow visit your father.
And then perhaps seek advice from age uk & citizens advice.
My MIL lives in sheltered accommodation
The lady next door moved in at the same time as my MIL
She had to leave an abusive situation and had been given a sheltered flat as an emergency.
She had family but wanted her own place with a safe front door that the sheltered flat gave her
Eight years on she is still living there quite happily.

If you give your MIL a home right away ( not just somewhere to stay till things get sorted) then authorities will see it as problem solved.

When you get some facts around you, re what your MIL is entitled to you will feel more in control & no longer being swept away on the rollercoaster
Good luck

That's sad to hear you are being pulled in all directions Ella, but other posters are right to say it's natural for you to feel concerned about future events, especially the MiL situation.
My husband and I were told by another family member that there was "no alternative" but that we should have MiL come to live with us. My husband would not allow it, (we are both busy working and would have had to adapt the house to accommodate her). I'm sure your husband has thought things through and wouldn't have wanted to put you in a difficult position, but you do need to tell him how you feel about the arrangement long term.
I hope things with your dad improve.

Ella That's a lot to have to deal with at once, but I'm sure you will manage. Take a deep breath and go and see your dad, while your husband looks after his mum. Then, together you can decide on your next move.
Don't rush any major decisions.

My mum was called Ella

So sorry to hear about your dad. Take some time in the next few days to reassess things, just one step at a time. I wish you and your family well. Xx

Oh dear I hope your dad improves and that you can sort through your MiL's problems. It's awful to feel so overwhelmed by things you have no control over. Drive carefully tommorow.