DIL wont visit my house....

Have u "tried" with her as in to having a relationship with her or is it because if u be nice to her it means you will have your son and grandsons over more? Because if it's the second part, she probably knows this and then you aren't any better than her....

Can't your son bring your grandchildren to your house if you want to show them your things? Thinking back to my first marriage there were relatives of my husband's I hated visiting too - largely because they didn't speak English and I couldn't speak their language and I got bored stiff, but I was happy to let him take the children and give me an afternoon on my own I don't think they cared - it was him and the kids they really wanted to see anyway.

The title of the post caught my attention as I have just waved goodbye to my DS and DGD after 3 lovely days. I don't know if DIL will ever visit again,but I decided to not spoil the lovely time we had by asking him why. Although a lot of posters have asked why you haven't asked your son outright, it is not as straightforward as that. As the loyalty is always to the wife, it is easy to find an excuse answer to that question which is hard to follow up. I wonder if there is any possibility of having your DS and children visit you on their own.

I have zero relationship with my MIL, however, I won't visit their "house" but I still encourage my Hubby that he should take the kids to see his parents.

You appear to be overlooking your Son's part in this. If I were in your position I'd ask to meet him separately and ask outright if there's any reason why his family never visit you at home. Honesty is always the best policy.

Although honesty is the best policy, some people don't like being told the truth. They get defensive.

Well here is a hug from this Grandma. It must be horrible for you.

I feel sorry for you as it sounds like you have tried but without any success. Sometimes in life we do meet people that we don,t gel with without any obvious reason. It's more difficult though when it's a family member and closely related. I was going to say have you been able to speak to your son quietly about this , but I suppose to do so would put him on the spot or make him feel disloyal to his wife. Do you keep any pets or are you a smoker? These can put people off a lot. I am a pet lover but realise that not everyone feels the same . As you say you,ve tried everything , and as you went visit them on one occasion and they where out after this was planned that was downright rude on their part. Is there anyway you could casually meet up ,not for any specific occasion but just maybe your son bringing the children . You and your grandkids are missing out equally.Hope you find a way round this and good luck.

Grannygranby. I have followed the link which a previous poster has put on here ( so my reply includes information you have said in this post and a previous one...Sorry for any confusion.

I don't get it. Where's the respect for your mil from our children? I visited my inlaws and slept on a lumpy old pull out sofa bed in the heat of the summer . My in laws had no air conditioning. They were the sweetest people but I did it for the children. I wanted the children to see learn and respect their own in laws when the time came.
These children are so worried about being inconvenienced all the time. What are they teaching their children? If it truly is a pet problem than communication between you and your son can answer some questions and provide some answers to the problem. The running and hiding and not solving the problem hurts everyone in my opinion.

I have read grannygranbys post and can't see where she as mentioned dogs?

grannygranby you would be surprised how common this is. I have two DILs and from the very beginning with welcoming them into the family(I was a single parent) and looking forward to having girls in the family to chat, shop etc with never worked out that way. Yes always send loving birthday cards, gifts at Christmas and birthdays with no real thanks. Ages ago had a talk with both my boys and the youngest one said 'don't be daft' and the eldest saying 'she didn't feel welcome?I was gobsmacked when he said that because as I said 'what!!! I hug her put a meal on, what else can I do? I was in tears when he said that. which was a downright lie. Fast forward she doesn.t visit his dads family either. I have tried and now have given up. Both girls are extremely close to their moms so I take a back seat and concentrated on my social life which is wonderful. I see my grandchildren every week because I visit them. It isnt a problem. Live your life grannygranby yesterday I visited a NT property and we went to a new place for Sunday Lunch with plenty of laughter round the table, there is always another way to find happiness.

My son married a girl from Ukraine. We could all see she was after a meal ticket as she said "in my country I national hero. I marry rich English man." Her friend had recently married a friend of my sons. She pushed and pushed him into marrying her having only met for 3 days. She lied that she had to have married visa to get out of Ukraine. This was 14 years ago - nothing to do with Brexit!
I phoned the embassy and as expected no rules at all. My son fell for all the lies and so I paid for lovely church wedding and reception. Her family could not come as they are very poor.
I treated her as a daughter, concerned she was young and so far away from her parents .I took her to local college to perfect her English.
3 days after the wedding she flew at me, finger in my face, saying "You effing old woman, you eff off and live on your own, I live in your effing house!
So much for learning English!
Fortunately this was said in front of witnesses - she had already said she hit her mother.
She has never said a bad word in front of my son. As I did not move out of my house for her she has been vile, manipulative and over the years has now managed to stop my son , and my two grandchildren from seeing me - or speaking to me. My son told me years ago his first few years were hell with her, but then the children came along and he has them to come home to. He said he took his vows in church and has to stick with it.
I was very hands on with first grandchild as she had never held a baby -and wanted a girl and he is a boy. Next one was a girl and my son cried that he was not allowed to pick her up - mother carried her every where - Fortunately when chid was able to walk she became a Daddys girl. Both children adore their father but mother and son never had a bond. My son is so weak he puts up with her temper tantrums or "I will take children to Ukraine".
I understand he has to do as she says as he has to live with the consequences, but feel if my husband was alive things would be very different.So I understand the loneliness and loss one DIL can cause.

How come dogs keep being mentionned?

I have a similar problem with the lack of family visits but it does not bother me one jot. As long as I meet up with or speak to them regularly then the other is of little importance to me. Sure, I'd quite like it but I'm certainly not going to make an issue of it. No sirree. Truth to be told, having visitors to stay is blooming hard work from planning to clear up. I can happily manage without it. Some of you will perhaps interpret this as unwelcoming or unfriendly? Quite the contrary. I am decidedly hospitable and enjoy people in general and family in particular but I simply go with the flow. Thiink it's something like adapt and survive. People know I have the accommodation and it's there for the taking. My Invites are enthusiastic but casual. Over to them............

It's in the link for another thread further up this thread jenwren

I was attacked as a child and even though surrounded by other people's working dogs will not go in a home with dogs. My friends and relatives respect this and new arrivals to the clan who may be reluctant are shown my scars!!!! We have a cat and a dear relative who is allergic to cats does not visit us at home. All scenarios are amicable. Why? Because we discuss these things and arrive at a compromise between us. The OP by not asking her son the reason is never going to sort this out.

Here:

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/a1231786-DIL-problems-that-I-dont-get

Does your son visit his in laws?
I have a similar issue but know the reason or at least have guessed it. My son fell out with his in laws many years ago and has not visited them since. My DIL eventually decided that she would not visit here either, even though she has been once or twice in fifteen years.
At least you see your grandchildren and son, I only see mine twice a year if that and they only live fifteen miles away.

I've never had a dog, and with few exceptions don't like dogs either. They are smelly, slobber, jump up at you, drop hairs and break wind. Their food looks and smells horrible too. Years ago we had friends who had a "Hush Puppy". I got to dislike going there because they liked you to go in at the back door (they lived in a terraced house), and you had to fight your way past this damn thing that was chained up by the back door. When one night it jumped up at me and slobbered over my white jeans (we were going out) I decided I'd had enough. So yes, I can believe that the issue may well be the dogs.

Mothers spent their lives bringing up children and then they can't ask them one simple question, 'Can you tell me, please, why does your wife avoid coming into my house?'

Kaimegan, without wishing to trivialise your situation, I wonder how many of these Eastern European women “lie back and think of England” as used to be said of brides in less enlightened times?

The dogs were not mentioned in the initial post and I couldn't understand why they were given as a reason, then I saw reference to another post where the dogs were definitely given as the reason. If only I could know the answer to my estrangement so easily. I would in future put your family before dogs, that is if you really want those granddaughters to visit and feel at home. I would either write or phone your dil and apologise and admit you have been stubborn over this, if they would like to visit in future you will make sure the dogs are not there, even if they have to go to kennels, she cannot help it if she does not care for dogs or is worried by the hygiene issue. Then clean the house so there is no doggy smell or anything. I love dogs but the family would always come first, you are only talking a few days at most.

I think you really need to speak your son first and ask him. Unless you confront this it will only make you feel worse. But sending you a big hug anyway and don't get too despondent. try and relax and enjoy your meal x

My son and his wife never visit me at my house or to her parents who live about ten miles from me. The only time they come here is to drop off the grandchildren when they come to stay and pick them up. I usually go up to them by train but occasionally my son has picked me up or dropped me off. I always get the feeling he hates coming here and can't wait to leave. He was brought up in this house with his sister and though his father and I were divorced we had a relatively good life. He is the same with his in laws too. His father lives abroad and they do visit them, and stay with them, not in a hotel. I've gave up inviting them years ago, as long as the children come to stay I'll bite my tongue . It's hurtful though.

Well I was sure this had been discussed on here before but couldn't find the link, the original poster has obviously done nothing different since she posted last November as she has posted exactly the same query and the same sadness as last year It was discussed at length then and now she's asking us all to discuss the same problem all over again

It was explained to you before that it may be the dogs but you obviously didn't want to take that on board and are still saying 'why don't they visit' ......we don't know, except your dear dogs are probably putting them off They re your dogs you love them but don't expect every one else to love them find a way of meeting your lovely family away from your doggy house ..... you had nearly 200 helpful posts in November but you have obviously made NO changes so that's how it has to be you are not going to make changes so life will continue the same I m afraid

I am sorry if this offends anyone but I love dogs and am involved with rescue dogs.
Some people might not like dogs but for me...I am suspicious of people who don't like dogs,who don't like animals in general really.
The flip side of this is someone who does love animals cannot be all bad.
I think it is good for children to have pets and be around pets (allergy permitting of course) I think it makes for a kind, well rounded adult.
I feel for you grannygranby and I think I would try to talk to your DIL again.