DIL wont visit my house....

I don't think that my friend finds her overly excitable, piddling dog anything other than lovable and friendly, to be honest FarNorth. The most I've ever heard her admonish it is when she says "Oh ***, now look what you've done! Have you got a cloth Chewbacca?" Bad enough for me, but her family have young children and I can well understand their reluctance to allow it in their homes, or near their children. As I said, the dog was bought with the main objective that it would get her out of the house and able to meet and speak to people. Instead, the dog's behaviour has actually increased her isolation. We do meet up without the dog but we can't be more than a couple of hours because the wretched dogs howls and piddles more "when it's stressed".

Personally I think the OP is very lucky that her family take her out for her birthday. It's more than my adult children do and now I live my life for myelf. I really dont understand what her problem is. Why is it so important that they visit her home? If they don't want to you can't force them. You have admitted in an earlier thread what the problems are and things haven't changed. I have a Russian DIL although much better educated that the earliers poster's. She doesn't like me and now I don't like her for trying to turn my son against me. But in my opinion she is his wife and his first loyalty is to her so I have taken a step back. We bring up our children but once our job is done they are free to live their own lives and choose where they want to go and who they want to be with.

Dog dislikes are a bit like Tories. They have to stand and bear the hatred and insults which everyone else doles out with a smile on their face. However, when election time comes along they quietly post their secret vote. And the dog allergic will not welcome being sequestered with other peole's animals.

My book group all have dogs or cats and the dog lovers have intuited that I am inimical to their beloved pets ( in fact I am allergic to dogs and they can trigger frightening asthma attacks which at times have resulted in my having to go to hospital for treatment). Instead of respecting this they delight in letting their animals sit on me and get too close for comfort. I don't like the doggy smell and I am completely repelled by doggy 'expulsions'.

If your DIL feels anything like I do she will want to meet on neutral ground.

I know this is heard to read and seems rude and harsh but the truth is that some people dislike dogs as much as others love them and it is very hard that society's tolerance only works one way.

When I had small children I did not let my prejudices stand in the way of their enjoyment of animals and they both love dogs. However, your DIL might not be able to extend her tolerance so far.

Dislikes not dislikes.

Peoples not people. Doh!

I don't understand all of the comments on here about dogs and smoking. I didn't read that your daughter in law won't visit you because of either of those reasons. It just seems to be the usual case of a son's a son until he takes a wife. Unless the girl is someone who is quite fair minded, you can guarantee that she will spend more time with her family than with her husbands/partners. In most cases it really isn't anything to do with how you are or how thoughtful you are, it's more to do with how thoughtless she is. It takes a strong man to stand up to the woman who can make his life a misery and often does when he makes suggestions about doing stuff with his family. If you have a kind hearted and thoughtful daughter in law, cherish her but if not, cherish your son and grandchildren and just be pleasant to her.

What would be wrong about sitting down with your DIL and ask her if you did anything to offend her because if you did you would like to rectify it?
Sometimes asking the party involved is better than second hand.

wendione

You need to read the whole thread as you have obviously missed all of the links that previous posters have posted to OP's almost identical previous thread from November 2016 where she was complaining about the same problem and where it was clear that it was all about the dogs.

The DIL is not happy for the toddlers to be around the dogs - but OP is struggling to accept this or compromise on this -OP wants to introduce her GC to the dogs and keeps trying to engineer situations where GC will meet the dogs (suggesting that she takes the GC walking with the dogs/pointing out the dogs etc). The thread is here:
www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1231786-DIL-problems-that-I-dont-get?pg=1

I think the problem is that OP has pushed too hard in trying to get the GC to engage with dogs that she knows is problematic for the parents. In the previous thread the family were still visiting although boundaries were overstepped and now her DS/DIL have decided that meeting on neutral territory is the best way to go as it is clear OP struggles to understand that her love for the dogs is not reciprocated and that it would be best to back-off.

I would imagine that the dogs are among the things OP wants to show her GC

My DIL doesn't come to my home often because she has a cat allergy and so does my grandson.I have 2 cats and they make her sneeze and her eyes get red and itchy. We get on really well though.

I can't help thinking of the Fabreeze advert where people have gone 'nose blind' in relation to dog smells.

thank you for all the comments. Supportive and unsupportive DILS - dont they have their own site? Isn't that Mumsnet?)
It is the most difficult one - some kind of power thing. It's not the dogs per se - I put the in a crate for the visit - cute non hair dropping doodles one a puppy.) She always takes herself of to another room - sulks and wont look at me - she has been rude like this since the day I met her - never known anything like it - however she dotes on my son and like many men he goes for the adoring doting wife with as little trouble as possible. My son often looks embarrassed by it and I think dreads any criticism of her - which I have never given. ever hopeful. She is ten years younger than he. In the meantime my son does send me videos. I accept that mother is secondary to wife. She doesn't work, nor does she want to, she dotes on the girls but is not hands on in the house. Son seems to do the cooking etc...I am just unlucky. (My house is clean and I don't smoke!). My daughter who has not had children, nor wants them, feels angy with her for not allowing me any grandmotherly joy. She thinks I am too nice to her. I hope she will soften - but she doesn't in fact the more power she has gained - child - marriage - second child the worse she has behaved. I think the only time son can put his foot down for any access to me is my birthday (roundabout it) and xmas time. The rest forget it. If only he would come over with them alone! I dream on with that one. She never lets him out of her sight. I remember once she told me they went clothes shopping for him and an assistant spoke to him directly and she told her to back off. My daughter tells me to look on the bright side- he is still in this country - he's not in prison, or drug addict. Be grateful and I am. For the bigger picture. The life experience - especially now living alone as a widow would be to walk in the woods with my very happy dogs and my grand daughters. That I will never have. Yes I could blame my son. but that won't butter the carrots. He knowss - he already feels bad about it. We all put on a brave face. But the dinner was a disaster with her sulking and my daughter cross that I am not angry- in the middle of the night I was woken with intense irregular heart palpitations that went on for two hours, thought I was having heart attack - have not told any of them cos it sounds like I am being drama queen - going to doctors this morning. And the youngest SGD managed projectile vomiting all over my son and floor in very posh crowded retaurant. So all attention on how she is (she's fime) Also add that they live a long way away - hour and half drive on hairy motorway which I am no longer up for.

might add that she is a passionate daddys girl - dismissive of her mother and an only child. I just don't cut the mustard with her. As a feminist myself she is my worst nightmare. She sees my aloneness (past twenty years) as my failure with men. Her father (mother in tow) see the girls all the time - every weekend - at her parents house and DIL has just been away with her 'papa' and the girls. that might round out the picture a bit. Life can throw some weird stuff to deal with. And I know we all do our best. But this is a forum for granny support.

reading back I can see the consensus is that it is a doggy thing. My son loves dogs - she used to be fine ...she posts up cute dog videos...she has cats...I either get my daughter to look after them for visits - put them in car and now crates. My puppy cried and cried not understanding what was going on! It annoys my daughter immensely who thinks that far more respect should be paid to family dogs. They love visiting her house which has dogs...in fact she begs to visit. She flirts with my daughters husband and is generally submissive. Big house, important husband high status - dogs irrelevant.

Personally I wouldn't let it worry you. Your son visits, the grandkids visit, you see them all in other places, they take you out. The only thing that doesn't work is that woman in one particular house. Work around it, I would.

Thanks for explaining all that grannygranby.
So you only see the GC twice a year, on your birthday and at Xmas? That is a shame if there's no good reason for it.

Your daughter is right about looking on the bright side, but wasn't helping during the birthday meal by being cross that you were not angry.

Ask your daughter to take her own advice, and to stop being annoyed about the situation, as that would reduce the stress you feel about it.

If you can't drive as far as the GC's home, would it be possible to meet them at somewhere closer that they might enjoy visiting - a park or an activity of some kind? - Or even at your daughter's house, as your Dil likes to visit there?

I do feel for grannygranby and your hurt feelings make me sad.
However, how to deal with it?
It's not YOU it is clearly HER and if she wants to be stroppy and demanding, so be it. Your son married her, loves her and she is the mother of his children and your grandchildren so let's hope she has some redeeming features. Can you get your son to bring the children to you when, fir instance, she is having a "girly" day or weekend with friends? Could you perhaps buy her a Spa day as a birthday or Christmas present , arranging in advance with your son that you will have the children? Meals or days out on "neutral" territory perhaps? I'm thinking Theme parks, adventure playgrounds, even NT houses with something for everybody.
You need some peace of mind so YOU are going to have to be the proactive one. "Smile and wave", "Rise above it" and do not let this worm of sorrow eat into your heart.

Grandmotherly experience? She didn't have children for you. She had them so her and her husband could have the parent experience. The only one that matters.

If your daughter is so concerned about you bein a groandmother then she needs to get cooking.

Thank you all so much for your kindness thoughtfulness and support. I will put the problem back in the box for a bit. Have tried the halfway house park thing which I too think is a good idea in theory...didn't work. She always wears stilettos and hangs on to son if they have to walk. I can't bear it.
Do you know I have never been allowed to be alone with either of them. Not an hour and once when granddaughter wanted to explore my house with me she followed not even allowing that. It's strange I was always grateful when my children's grannies took notice and wanted to be with them and encouraged it as much as I could. Because they were safe and loved and I felt happy to grab some time alone. Don't understand Bibbitys comment - why is she in gransnet? The 'parent experience'? Surely that is intergenerational? If she is unfortunate enough to be excluded by her children when they breed will she think that is how it should be?
That apart I will be grateful for the small mercies. And I do think my daughter feels bad, she is a lovely daughter I see her every day, I don't know why she has not had children, she would tell me if she wanted to. It does make her cross that I am upset. But then she hasn't had children. I could never understand how my mother could love my brother ?

I agree just have to accept it

Thanks Inge. Sometimes you just want to let off steam in safe place but it doesn't feel that safe!

I think misunderstandings arise in threads when the original poster doesn't always give us the full story at the start, or doesn't come back quickly to correct misapprehensions.

I know sometimes this is because the OP themselves hasn't really worked out where the core of the problem lies - hence the thread

I make a confession: with this thread I made assumptions that information given on the last page has shown to be entirely wrong. I am sorry grannygranby if I caused you any distress.

Thanks Monica. you've restored me a little there. I was deeply disturbed by some of the toxic comments. I thought this was a safe space. Did I not respond to the ones last November? - I don't even want to look back. I had forgotton that I had reached out before Xmas - that other time of the twice year visits which terrify me. As I don't get reminders from Gransnet and have useless short term memory I obviously forgot all about it after I had poured my heart out; didn't check. So sorry about that.
I got a private message after this post and I thought that was it - and was astonished when I looked back on forum to see so much.
In the end they came for Xmas - we locked the dogs out of doors for the day. She doesn't even acknowledge our efforts on her behalf. She takes everything for granted. She doesn't buy presents and criticises the ones she gets. Somehow I don't think my daughter will put up with that again - her little dog is like a child to her, my little grand-dog. She says she only does it for my sake; there is no way she would invite them otherwise as she finds DIL so rude. But neither I nor she wants to upset my son to that degree. I think it is because DD and DS are not close that DIL doesn't see her as a threat. DD thinks it is because she ignores her and suggests that if I did a lot less trying and a lot more ignoring I might get more respect. So that's where i am up to! I'll try not to post just before this Christmas. (And I have got involved in other posts this time - I'm a slow learner.)
Oh and fancy Hitler coming up! I asked Dil when I first met her why she was a vegetarian she said she did it to annoy her mother. She is quite furious that I don't eat meat and makes sure the grandots get lots of it in my company.

Your Dil sounds like a very confusing and confused person.

that's how I feel FarNorth. Thanks for your comment.

We have a similar problem but my son will visit with the children on his own. The girls love our dog, she's large and very friendly, loves children (Weimaraner.They will sit and cuddle her and take her for walks with us and all 3 say they want a dog when their older. I do think it's good for them to experience being with a dog especially if their Mum doesn't enjoy being around dogs.
We have a baby gate so the dog is restricted to dining room, conservatory and kitchen if someone visits and doesn't like dogs.Perhaps you could give it that a try.