No friends

Jane10 I agree, I meet up with at least 3 GNs monthly for coffee- I am at least 10 years older but we get along very well- age does not come into the equation.

Well I'm 61 too and enjoy the company of lots of people 10+years older than me that I meet at U3A. I don't look at the age but listen to the person. We have great fun and lots of laughs.

Well, I live on the border of South and West Yorkshire, in a little village between Wakefield and Barnsley. I have tried our local U3A and 'my personal opinion is I need to be 10 years older before that will be of value to me (and need a free bus pass)' I am 61. I find when looking on the GN local sites there is just nothing going on. I toyed with the idea of becoming a local editor, but it did feel a bit daunting as if I already know no-one and dont belong to anything I could recommend I would feel like even more of a 'Billy no mates', especially as all I could think of to begin with would be a meet up for lunch/coffee and chat. What if no-one bothered to turn up?, What if I am the only person who lives in a 10 mile radius of me. So if anyone fancies a coffee and chat around about here, let me know. By the way, as per my comment on the Invisible thread.....please, a few of you....reply, thanks in ant.

Nanny27 you are one of the few who bothered to mention where you live which is what I suggested many moons ago. People cannot be helped if they do not mention that simple fact.

I also am an only child, now divorced with no family. My friends are scattered throughout the country, one in particular in Scotland. I meet up with another I have known since I was 11 years old about every 6 weeks for lunch. Telephone and email contact are great for me but I do miss the friend who moved to Berwick who would ring up and say, free for lunch tomorrow?

I have been reading these over the past days and feeling such sympathy for others who, like me are in need of friends, I think I must live in an area of the country apparently abandoned by the groups and organisations that so many people mention. No Wi no U3A no gransnet local eta. Is there anyone on here who is in South Wales who fancies a coffee or something?

Think for a lot of people, in a good marriage your husband is your best friend, mine was, after his death my very best friend died 6 years later, I had other friends that I had neglected over the years, I worked full time and spare time was spent with family. How things change. These friends I hardly saw, I see, not weekly, sometimes not monthly, but we meet up for different things at various times, not enough to fill my life with the void of my h and bf, but so important. I started walking with a group, made lots of friends, we meet once a week, go to a show or something, joined a coffee circle, friendly with everyone, but not a special friend there.My life is full because I work at it, I would love to have that lovely relationship I had with h and friend but know now I probably won't. See my sister, now and then, we can chat about most things, but we are the opposite of each othher. Not having my daughter in my life has been the worst blow, but I have learned to live round it. When we have family, friends and fulfilling job, it's hard to comprehend it all going, I certainly never did.

It's quite telling how many posters on this thread are only children, as am I. My DH and I are quite self-contained, though he still works, has lots of interaction with people at the office and doesn't feel the need for friends. I may push for us to socialise more but when it comes to the crunch he's far better at it than I am and I really struggle with a group situation. I've always found it much more comfortable to be one to one, which is not very helpful when it comes to joining a club or group activity!

My best friend is my DH, having moved around for the first 38 years of my life and being painfully shy (so is he, we looked at each other for 6 months before he spoke to me, after he'd had a few) I'm at a loss at what to say to people I've always found it hard to make friends, they never lasted though when I did make one, I think I'm boring. We've been in our current house for 19 years and only know the neighbours by sight, most have lived around here all their lives.

As OP said, you really do have to get out there and get stuck in-which I realise is extremely hard/impossible for some for all sorts of reasons.
I joined a local choir recently having sung with another choir further away for years. I took a deep breath and walked in, said what part I sang and I was pointed over to an area. A lady sitting there so I smiled and said is this the right row for sop's. Grumpy reply that well all the seats on this row are taken! So, deep breath, where do I get my music then? Over in that room. So off I went, on my return I stood around until an alto took pity on me and found me a seat.
Since then I have made friends there, suggested we meet up for a meal which we did, so got to know each other and can say that some of them are now friends-as well as ladies from my other choir too.
Also belong to a local church which has a community cafe so you can always go in there for reasonably priced drinks/meals and a chat.
So. . . . My point is that the world won't beat a path to your door, you have to go out and make an effort, like most things worthwhile.

Reading these posts has made me realise how lucky I am. I have on really close friend who I see 4/5 times a week. We shop,coffee and laugh together. Twice a year we holiday abroad together leaving our hubbies at home. I can't imagine life without her. I also joined a book group 2 years ago only knowing one of the members and now I have another group of friends. I wish all of you good luck in finding friendship.

I too have a 'social phobia' and find it incredibly difficult to join in. I moved counties about 7 years ago to live with my OH, my daughters don't live near and up until 2 years ago I was working full time.
I am now retired but OH has another 4 years to work and I feel very lonely. I tried the U3A but our local one is huge and the groups I joined all seemed very cliquey.
I live near Southend in Essex and would love to meet up with other GNetters. I did go to one meet up in Bluewater but cannot make the meeting this week.
This thread has been a real eye opener, I think we all believe we are the only ones without friends but that is obviously not the case.

Is there something about persevering here? It takes time for acquaintances to turn into friends. Keep going back to the groups and clubs! Don't give up because others seem to know each other.
Also, it occurred to me while reading this thread that people seem to be looking for different levels of friendship: some seem to want a close friend to share everything with but others seem to be looking for companionship either in a group or organisation. The latter is more attainable physical condition/transport constraints permitting. Closer 1:1 friendships may emerge from this.
When I was stuck at home over the winter recovering from my knee op I did find online companionship very reassuring. I sometimes felt I'd been chatting all day. I made a particular online chum who I'm now in phone contact with and we're meeting up soon.
GN meetups have been fun. Int the internet brilliant?!

Yes know the feeling. An only child with no close relative with a husband suffering from depression who doesn't want to go anywhere. People have now melted away and have stopped inviting us anywhere as they know he will probably not come and I would turn up in my own. My two close friends have family/grandchildren and are both ill so have very little spare time so even though we email rarely see them. I go out with some old school friends every 6 weeks but they are all healthy, have more money and are always talking about children/grandchildren and the constant hols, haven't had one in 6 years. We moved because if health reasons s to a part of town where I know no one, neighbours say hallo and that is it. I have tried joining clubs etc but again polite but that is it as they all go in two and three no one their own. I am limited to what activities I can join because of my health. I've joined library groups but again they have all known one another for year and live near one another. I am naturally outgoing and sociable and I feel this is slowly killing me. I had such marvellous plans for retirement and am running out if ideas to try. I want friends I can see face to face rather than a message on an email. My heart goes out to others in the same situation.x

Thankyou ladies for this thread, I thought I was the only one in the world who has a social phobia. I do have a few friends, not many, but I'm happy with them and my daughters and stepdaughter who live close and are wonderful friends. My problem is that I keep imagining that one of them or sometimes all has gone off me and I feel like an awful person. I always realise in the end that all that is a lot of nonsense but I give myself a lot of grief over it.
PS, is there really such a thing as a budgie walking club?

I used to know 'everyone' in my local area when my kids were little, I now have two not very close local friends and I wouldn't know how to set about making more!

Ruby you did make me laugh about the budgie club Still hanging on in there - hopefully they won't cancel you again!

morethan

I have a few good friends whom i have known for years , trouble is they all live some distance away now . That is the reason i suggested the meet up in bluewater because i too would like to increase my friendship circle especially
locally. Our first meeting had about 9 gransnetters, it all went well, the second around 5, ditto, so wonder what this Thursday's meeting brings. My husband had a prostate operation a week ago and this will be the first chance i have had to get out of the house and i am looking forward to it.

MawBroon thank you I wish I had a friend like you in real life.

What this thread is revealing is that the image we have of other people's social lives/perfect families/friendship groups and so on is a long way from reality
I have some acquaintances /friends I like a lot but I get fed up (OK if I am honest) of ther endless Facebook posts about lunch with friends here, drinks there, afternoon tea somewhere else, spa days or weekends and short breaks with "the girls" etc etc
Nobody ever posts "sitting on my own again, haven't been out of the house for 2 days, cat sick on the carpet, children haven't rung for 3 weeks and the milk has gone off"
My mum tried to instil into me to "have a good friend you have to be a good friend," but it does not always work out like that does it?
Too many years of putting the children first, a not very sociable DH and then financial problems aggravated by major health issues put paid to a social life as a couple a long time ago. Neglected friends have fallen by the wayside and despite my best intentions, relationships have become too distant.
So, sorry for moaning, I need to take my own advice which is to get up, get out, and also rethink my attitude. There are things one can do alone and I rarely go to anything on my own without ending up chatting to another woman of our sort of age. Also, alone does not have to mean lonely, it can mean being able to please yourself about when, how and where you spend your time.

How nice to read a thread that is full of support and helpful advice and, yes, friendship. Sadly lots of threads turn into slanging matches with harsh words and criticism , this one has been a refreshing change. I hope the OP has found some comfort

Rubylady My goodess that has been quite a wait for you, II have been out of the loop for quite a while and thought you had already been in for surgery. Is it soon now? Wishing you all the best when it happens.

I'm in the U3A, there are dozens of U3A's all across the country and all different. Due to the nature of the U3A being for over 50's there are far more ladies than men in most local U3A's. All sorts of activity groups. As for friendships that's very much a lottery, you may find some soulmates or none at all. My wife joined our local church though I don't go along; she has made many friends.

Try the U3A National Website which has links to the local ones. A few but really very few man-woman relationships do start in the U3A. Quite a few couples.

Pretend that you are going in for open heart surgery and then you get a thread of your own and plenty of friends wishing you well!

No, really, I am going in for real surgery.

But, I have found some lovely friends through doing it. A few in hospital, ones who are helping me out here and of course, Aunt Ann and all you lovely ladies who have been supporting me every step of the way. I would be lost without you and would have been for the last few years, thank you. Xxx

It is very hard when no one seems to care, but, and I am my own worst enemy for this, you have to force yourself to go out and mingle a bit. If you can. Having a doggie helps to make conversations with people, we meet so many people when I take her out with me, I think what will be a five minute excursion turns into an hour of chatting, laughing, bonding. Dog walkers are always willing to stop and chat I find. I find the budgie flyers club not as chatty, they tend to be looking up in the sky a lot of the time, with the harnessed budgie on a 'lead' and not concentrating on the conversation.

Life is so complicated! There really isn't any one reason for loneliness and it can strike out of the blue particularly when circumstances suddenly change. Neither myself or DH are only children but all our siblings are scattered. My parents moved constantly but DH's parents lived all their married lives in the one house. You do grow apart from old school friends as your life experiences change you. Few of our work colleagues were ever more than just colleagues as work was all we had in common.

Unexpected things happen too. DH and I moved home nearly three years ago primarily to live in a bungalow suitable for our old age but also to be nearer our group of friends. We love our new home but the friendship part has been a disaster! New people joined our friendship group and gradually we found ourselves edged out, then ostracized, and finally totally excluded. Then at the beginning of this year DH was coming home from an errand when someone crashed into him and caused a terrible accident from which he is still struggling to recover. We have felt the loss of our friends keenly since then although the people who joined our friendship group and caused such mayhem have left and some of the original group have made contact with us again. However, although we have had callers and have been out for lunch with one couple it really is very difficult to trust again. We find ourselves waiting for the next blow to fall!
We are persisting with reaching out to neighbours with not much success so far but we will keep trying.
I don't think I have ever felt so lonely in my life since we have been confined to the house because DH was in a wheelchair to start with and I couldn't manage to get him in or out of our home so we stayed put! DH is my carer so that aspect has been very difficult although Social Services were brilliant, helped us so much and even pointed us in the right direction to get a home help who is a treasure. Family tag-teamed to help us to start with but are too far away to be easily available but will come again as they can.
I am so thankful to still have my DH as I could so easily have lost him and I so relate to those who have said they dread being left on their own. I truly dread this as DH was in hospital for weeks to start with and I certainly had a taste of what it might be like. I have learnt much through all this though and I now know that I can and will manage whatever happens and there are some really super people and services about who can and will help. My Gran used to say ( often!) that "God helps those who help themselves" and I think that if you can gather your courage and go for it then it is true albeit hard.
If you can get out and about on your own at least you have more of a chance to do something about loneliness but it is terribly difficult if you are housebound. (((Hugs))) and to all those in this situation.