Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Ok so the cellar a bad idea, all back to the shithole of a bar you are used to and I'll stop trying to introduce some class

Great! Come back laydees, everything's back to what passes as normal!

Yes indeedy Mary and the boys are in town this very moment, and up for drinks and high jinks.

All the nice girls love a sailor...

Thank goodness for that.it was getting very lonely drinking on my own.,

By 'eck this place looks a dump! Fag ends on the floor; beer dripping off the edges of tables; framed photo of David Cameron with darts sticking in it; piles of ferret crap in the corners. Great to be back! Make mine a pint of Bishops Finger and a pork pie.

Yippee good to see all you old tarts under the tables again and as for those sailors...they can hoist my sail any time they like

Blimey! Got back too late last night to drop in. Looks like there's been a few improvements alterations while I've been on holiday. Great to see Menopaws up so early and stuck into her cleaning already sooner her than me

Don't worry Anya we all drank ourselves under the table early on and don't remember much of the night. I do keep getting flashbacks of a tattoo. Mean anything to anyone? Does that mean the sailor boys turned up. Oh I do love a sailor! Purely platonically, of course.

Well....all the nice girls love a sailor Mary - pity mine was more Captain Birdeye than Jack Sparrow

Mary I think the tattoo you were looking at was mine, you were half under the table and I was dancing on it, wearing very little, and I think I told you where my tattoo was

Just a swift pint please as I have things to do, back later, I will have a wipe round the bar with a few antibacterial wipes, why oh why do you allow Gaston the ferret to sleep on it?

Antibacterial wipes? A manky dish cloth seems to be good enough for the leading Coffee Shops! Are you trying to impress roses?

A pair of gramps' old underpants was good enough for Lil back in the day swilled round in the slop bucket - you bin watching those anti-germ adverts again roses?

Yes you caught me out......but it can't be good for us to eat the peanuts on the bar when Gertrude has her paws resting in the dish!

Cocktail time!
Who is the new dishy barman? I would like 'sex on the beach' please with extra coconut and a straw.

Are you insinuating that my Grimshaw has dirty feet roses? Are you?
Don't know about Sex on the Beach; it'll be a bunch of fives round the back for you!

Dishy new barman? I wish...!! That's Menopaws wearing an old trilby because she hasn't had time to do her hair or shave her chin

Time you went to Specsavers roses!

Heehee! Oh dear, so it is, must make an appointment.
Damn it...thought I had pulled there for a minute.

I wouldn't bother roses it's best not the know. Imagine looking in the mirror first time in the morning and seeing the real you! Or me! Nothing personal. Best to stay looking at the world through rose are red tinted glasses..

Anya I am gorgeous at any time of the day, even in the morning I'll have you know!!

I've a favourite mirror too Jalima

Thanks for the free advice Anya ....always worth having
While you are here you can buy me a large gin and tonic.

You've had enough roses! You've been on the sauce all day with your new "friends". Gin, whisky, beer, cocktails, brandy, sherry by the pint........ and you've still not done anything about sifting Gordon's lumpy sawdust. Standards are slipping........

Chewbacca I'm seriously worried about roses - I see it's not just me who's noticed her excesses Perhaps best if you only mouth the word Gordens as she invariably says 'make mine a big one'.

What do you think to having a selection of coffees on sale and one of them....what do you call them ?? 'barristers' to make them.

Oh I'm up for a sexy barrister/barrista/barman/bartender/barechested man. I don't think one will be enough. You know what we are like, when we all get together, It's the quiet cafe grans we need to worry about. Once they have had a few "coffees" There is no knowing what they will will get up to.

By the way, the bartender is mine. The rest of you can share.