Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Just look at my nice clean floor now!
You mucky lot.
I despair.
(Pours a triple G&T and sighs)
I am going to have a nice lie down on Marydoll's new carpet.
Oops - spilt the gin on the carpet, don't tell Marydoll
At least it's not red wine

Don't you dare lie on my new carpet. No-one one and I mean ÑO-ONE is allowed to walk or be laid on that carpet. I have been been to hell and back to get That carpet laid If only you knew the trauma I have experienced while my husband did the decorating. Three weeks of hell. I have installed CCTV, "Jamila* and I have seen everything, I cannot bring myself to share l what is on those tapes.

[scared now]

sorry, sorry
Gin is clear, it won't show, honestly!
It may feel a bit sticky but I'm sure that will soon wear off

ps I do understand the trauma of the decorating and new carpet - only to have someone throw knock red wine all over it and the new suite.

He who shall remain nameless (but if I didn't need him for all the odd jobs round here he would be out on the street).

A kindred spirit. All is forgiven.

That's not what you said to me when I very kindly brought Gilbert to see you this afternoon was it Marydoll ? I thought it was a lovely idea to bring him to see you, fresh from going ratting. But you were positively unwelcoming. "Get that stinking **ing ferret out of my house", I think you said. Quite offended, I was. And you've hurt Gideon's feelings too. I think he might have left one of his rats in your downstairs lav

Chewbacca perhaps your ferret refused to take his shoes off

So who is out tonight at the Dog and Duck? Meet at the Argy for a bit of Dutch Courage, otherwise known as chocolate brownies, at 7.30? Mary get your best drawers on and Anya I hope u have done some waffles research so u can make conversation with the farmers.

Dunno jalima. Granville was so pleased to be going to see Marydoll that he did a little widdle on the floor. She went ape s**t at him. Frightened poor little fella so much he pooped. Then she threw us out. She's been a bit funny since she got new carpets.

Well, here we all are at The Argy again......dear little Geordie, I have missed him this week ( gives his little ferrety nose a pat)
Just an espresso please, have had a week of and need a break.
My jolly Jack Tar friends will be here a bit later for the darts match....and a bit of wrestling with us all afterwards...cor! Wear yer best outfits girls.

Blimey, I'm not wearing my best outfit if it's (hopefully) going to be wrestled off me! An old dressing-gown will do...

Good to see the old place is still in one piece these days, menopaws is doing a sterling job!

Sorry laydees., I'm going to be late. That pesky ferret, Gabriel pooped all over my spanking new carpet and I have spent all afternoon trying to clean it up. Also there is a strange, black, furry thing in my downstairs loo. I think it might be * Chewey's wig,? but she will never admit it. She is very sensitive about her bald patch. So I'm just going to go along with it. I certainly don't want to upset her. In fact no-one would dare to upset her.
I'm just going to put on my glad rags, just in case the Jolly, Jack Tars turn up. I have put on my best, spangly leotard........just in case

You promised you would never tell anyone about my black wig Marydoll. You rotter! I've had to wear a balaclava all day, just to hide my shiny spot from the sun.

Knit that yourself?

Oooh! You can be spiteful!

It was meant to be a compliment? I'm so misunderstood.?

I have just woken and I am wearing a sailors hat and wrapped in a skull and crossbones flag, thankfully it's a big flag but the skull looks more like Michelin man. What happened anyone? You will have to serve yourselves tonight while I find some clothes

Right everyone we have a party to organise. I've got a hefty order of gin, good quality for once, and the keg of rye whisky here, I need people to make a suitable cake, take out shares in a candle company, warn the fire brigade, throw together some food that our AnnSixty will appreciate (she has very high standards apparently so let's break out the good Tupperware please) and think about transport as the wheelbarrow now has a flat tyre since Marydoll tried to make friends with that sailor in it. All ideas welcome

Not long now so I am pleased to see one sober member is making an effort. Is there a dress code? I am getting rather worried about the transport, if the wheelbarrow is out of commission and that was the best you could come up with, I think I will make my own way thank you very much.
I will use my 25p's for the year and get a taxi. After several (dozen) gins getting home again might be more if a problem!!
Is it usual to have gin with afternoon tea?
Shall we just let etiquette go out of the window for once?
I know you all stick strictly to the rules on every occasion!!?

Yes! A strict dress code here at The Argy ann ( which means you must be wearing one......anyone in undies only is turned away....well, it is an awful sight.)
We will do our best to make it a memorable occasion .....a rare thing, as we never remember anything the morning after.

?

Roses is right, dresses must be worn with proper underwear which must be kept on all evening, if any items are removed that person buys a round. However if we decide to have party games, one of which could be strip dominoes then an exception will be made. Ann you can choose the games played. I have some Jaegermeister in if you want to include jaegerbombs.

Does Jaegermeister taste like cough linctus laced with Domestos? if so I will have to decline, however perusing Amazon for spirits today I came upon Bath tub Gin. Now that will do although it comes in at about £40 a litre.. Is that ok?
I won't be playing strip dominoes, if I have to remove anything the germolene pink laceup corsets tend to frighten people and the other guests may leave.

P.S.I am having the "perm" tomorrow, it might still be a bit "tight" on Wednesday.

Yes it does which is why it is better dropped into a pint of lager. Can't we make bath tub gin in the bathroom upstairs? I've only got the beer towels soaking in there at the moment. We could all wear corsets to make you feel at home. No offers of a cake yet, what theme would you like Ann, I could make a start on it tomorrow?