Stepson wants more from late father

It sounds as if your husband made his wishes very clear...and as a solicitor knew what he was doing and had made it all quite clear in his will. The sum of money left to his three children (including his eldest from previous marriage) is extremely generous to say the least. Sometimes when people make wills they can tend to forget the sentimental side that often comes out afterwards ...and can cause lots of problems as to who should get what in memory. If all the personal effects have not been willed to any specific person then I believe they would be yours to do with as you choose. Family dynamics can be very complicated at times like this. Perhaps your stepson has always had a sense of loss that his parents marriage did"nt last and maybe feels he missed out not having him around. What is the relationship like between your children and their half brother? I come from a family mix of step sisters and half sisters so know there can can often be old resentments that come to the surface at times like this. Give yourself a breathing space for the time being and do"nt act in haste.

trueblue22 these 2 posts seems at odds, you might explain?

(1) The bequests given to his 3 children (two by me) even took into account money he'd given his first son when he bought a flat 15 years ago. I/we have yet to give our 2 children any funds to buy a property

(2) Also see DH has already made a generous bequest of £210000 to all three children in equal parts.

DH and I have agreed that if he dies first then the four children from my first marriage...Our joint son and his son from his marriage be treated equally. The same goes if I die first. I agree though that it was a thoughtless thing to ask at this time. I remember when my dad died aged 58 my mother's brother asked for first refusal on the car and another one asked for dad's shoes and new jacket....he wasn't even buried!

Well spotted! Meant Dss gets 60000 other 2 get 75000 each

Ah...bit of a difference from what you first implied, and then stated, trueblue.

Lost interest now. It's all been said.

Everything in the will your late husband left is now yours and it is yours to do with whatever you choose. All your late husband's liabilities were discharged when his son reached the age of 18. He is now 40 so he does need to grow up and start behaving like a 40 year old!. I am sure your late husband provided for his son while he was growing up and if he had wanted to leave him some more money he would have stipulated this in his will. He has already helped his son to buy a flat together with £70.000 to each of the 3 children (is this correct?) when you sell the holiday house I'm assuming.

You and your husband have already been very generous and so I would just remind him of this and ask him to leave you alone to grieve for your husband. He is being very very mean. He has a mother and a stepfather so it's not as if he is now all alone in the world. You haven't said what kind of a relationship you had with you're SS.

You could always include him in your will but this is for you to decide. If he had a very close relationship with his father and if you have been left a very large estate!. You might for instance live in a very large house. Your DC wouldn't of course need to ask you who will inherit your assets when you die because they already know the answer. You say that the step father doesn't have children so your SS will inherit whatever they have. A sad story.

Apart from that, my DH clearly wanted everything to go to me except the bequests.

From what you say, your late husband treated his three sons equally in his bequests - leaving the rest of his estate to you. Sounds fair - no need to give anything to anyone right now.

But, as I said earlier, why would you now intend to leave your estate, accrued within your long marriage, only to your own two sons?

Yes, I spotted much, you will do as you wish and defend as fair.

trueblue I am so sorry for your loss and it's far too early to be dealing with insensitiveness. I think you did the right thing with your reply. Only you'll know if this is typical behaviour from your DSS, but I would just like to mention one little thing I've experienced.

My younger brother is a senior executive in a FTSE 100 company, but when our Dad died he struggled to cope in a particular way. If he was with his closest family, he could be himself. If he was in any other company, he went into what I called 'Business Mode' and he couldn't help it. Even with other family members and long time friends he saw quite often. It was strange to see this kind man acting, not coldly exactly, but in a different way to how he would normally have been with them. I felt so sorry for him. It taught me that grief can affect people in ways we could never predict. Take your time to grieve and try to give your DSS the benefit of the doubt for now.

I just want to say what a great website this is. It is so important that we listen to everyone's views about the topics brought up... for example, the inheritance issue.
It's hard to say what you really believe, straight to the relAtives, but writing it on here and reading the replies may make for better decisions in the long run... just a thought.

Very sorry to read of your loss and the worrying time you are going through. Of course your SS had no right to ask what provisions you had made in your will. Your reply was the correct one, and hopefully SS will let it go at that. He is behaving as if you had only recently married his father and had inherited his wealth in true gold-digger fashion! However giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may have simply been reacting badly to his father's untimely death - emotions are often the cause of irrational and tactless behaviour, especially in the case of family bereavements. He may also have been egged on to write to you by someone else. Let things lie for a while and concentrate on getting your own life back on track.

Sorry I haven't read all the replies but surely everything you later leave should be divided by all the children, your step son included. How would you have felt if you had been the first to die and your children had been left out of the will? It's so sad that step children are so side lined which would almost certainly not have happened if their parents had remained married. It's a sad state of affairs.

Having read this whole thread, I do feel some of you are being very quick to judge. Everybody's circumstances are different.

My DF died when I was 3. I had a DS of 13 and DB of 10. When I was about 6 my step-father moved in with my DM (although they didn't actually marry until I was 12). My DF had a DS and a DD (the DS was the same age as my DB and the DD was 2 years younger).

In time, my DM and DSD moved and bought a house together, although it was mainly my DM money as my DSD was paying a great deal in maintenance (both his children were at private schools). His ex-wife had a boyfriend but wouldn't remarry as didn't want to lose any maintenance. When DSD mother died, the money from the sale of the house and many of the possessions were split between his two children.

My DSD saw his son about once a month but, once she reached a certain age, his daughter chose not to see him. Eventually, instead of paying maintenance, my DSD agreed a huge sum of money to "pay-off" his ex-wife. At this time, my DSD had taken early retirement to care for my mother who had multiple sclerosis.

Without going into detail, the years passed and I was the one who visited my parents regularly, helped them out and checked they were ok. My step-brother visited about once every 6 weeks and, when he married, fell out with his own mother. When my parents moved in 1998, they discussed certain aspects of their will with me. My step-brother and I were to be joint-executors and when one parent died, the money would go to the other one. On the death of the second parent, there was a bequest of £10,000 for my step-sister and the rest of the estate was to be split 4 ways. This was because my DSD knew his daughter would benefit from her mother's will in time, so wanted to make sure the rest of the children received an equal share.

My DM died in 1999, when I was 30 and my DSD died in 2006, whilst visiting my DS in Canada. Although everything in the will was carried out as requested, my step-brother couldn't wait to get hold of the money - although it was left to me to deal with all the work. We were never close, but after that, I have had very little contact with him - I was probably the one most emotionally involved in the loss of parents and at the time had children aged 11, 9, 7 and 2 months, yet all he was interested in was getting the money. I certainly learned how greed and the love of money can show a person's true colours.

I would have thought you would leave the residue of your estate to your own children and stepson equally too. Only seems fair to me.

My DH left made a huge settlement on his first wife and son when they divorced 40 years ago. She got 75% share of the house and received regular maintenance. He also contributed 50% of school fees for 12 years.

My dss will inherit from his mum, most of which was as a result of DH contribution. Why should dss get from my estate as well? Remember is dad has already provided an amount for him in his will.

trueblue22 I agree with you. Your stepson has already been well provided for. He's being greedy. He's getting at you at a very vulnerable - for you - time.

I'm reminded of a solicitor I used to know - also a Jewish lady. She told me 'You only have to sit in the chair behind this desk for half a day and you see the very worst that human nature can turn into. Whenever there's a death, a bereavement, a will, loving family members can turn into ravening wolves with pound signs spinning in their eyes'.

Your late husband, as a practising solicitor, will have been well aware of this. He has made sure his will was very clearly and unambiguously written. If he'd wanted his eldest son to have more he'd have written it so.

Well said, Margrete, I totally agree with you.

So sorry for your loss. Your DH has left all three of his children provided for and the remainder to you for yourself. You may chose to spend it on yourself but how you spend it is up to you. If you leave money, again it is up to you how choose to leave your money to but you could leave your step son some sentimental things that belonged to his Dad and a smaller legacy as you say he has already had help to buy a property. When everything dies down you could gently remind stepson of this and that your children together have had no help yet. It was insensitive of him to ask you at this time. I would tell you were shocked and upset by this when you are grieving and that you need support not not self interest.

this man is STILL your husbands son...you say he had a life with you and then say he was with you every second weekend ...thats NOT what I call a "life" if I thought any child of mine was this negelcted by his father I would be bloody angry.YOUR children had a full time dad ...HIS dad .I really think you need to share your estate equally in view of this alone.I dont understand people who sideline their children like this .

He had a life with his mother and stepfather, paddyann, plus spent time with his natural father, which is more than a lot of children do!

Once things have settled. You could tell your DSS that his DF left provision in his will for all of 3 of his DC as he loved them all but he also knew that DSS had a DM and DSF to provide for him also whereas your 2 DC would only have you left. This additional knowledge has made me feel you are right to leave anything left from your estate to your own 2 DC. It is still bad timing on his part though and very hurtful. So much easier if your DH had left a letter for your DS explaining his legacies.

I'm in a similar position (married husband 2nd nearly 40 years ago and together brought up his 1 and my 3) We've both worked hard and have 2 small houses, no savings.
If he dies first I plan to leave anything remaining to all 4 in equal amounts.
If I die first he plans to spend anything remaining because he's seen so many examples of families falling out over this.
I don't think we can tell others what to do with their money, just give examples and leave them to decide.

I've no doubt your husband, being a business man, would have saught legal advice on what he could do for all three of his children. His will is what he wanted. You don't have to do anything for anyone else unless you wanted to. Be very careful. It might be worth getting legal advice because you may set a precedent for the step son in the future should anything happen to you. Make sure anything you give is made as full and final settlement. So he has no chance to come back for more.

So now the step son will inherit from his mother money most of which comes from his father, yet earlier in this thread the mother comes from a wealthy family and the step son would inherit this.

Sorted then

Interesting the 2 very different statements.

And the notion that it be anything beyond normal to provide maintenance and schooling for ones own child. The 75% of home was probably balanced out by Dad keeping his pension or some other asset. Not even worth remembering.

(1)My DH left made a huge settlement on his first wife and son when they divorced 40 years ago. She got 75% share of the house and received regular maintenance. He also contributed 50% of school fees for 12 years. My dss will inherit from his mum, most of which was as a result of DH contribution.

(2) His mum comes from a wealthy family and I'm sure was left comfortably off by her parents.