Gransnet forums


Why are they so helpless - or perhaps we shouldn't let them get so dependant

(75 Posts)
yogagran Sat 19-Aug-17 20:04:32

I'm just eight days post op after a total hip replacement, been home since Sunday. Before I went in my DH was very convincing that he was more than capable of looking after me, the dog and the house.
Well - today he's been driving me mad (possibly I'm getting very critical because I feel very good). Cooking supper tonight he asked where the onions are kept, now we've been in this house for a year now and I would have thought that he knew the basics. Next question - where is the potato masher? I say " top centre drawer and it's on the left side" "No it's not" so I wander out to the kitchen and find it exactly where I said it would be. "Oh I didn't know it had a brown handle" he says.
Why do I feel that I have to re-arrange the dishwasher after he's loaded it. It'd probably wash just as well the way he does it but I just have to re-arrange things inside.
I ask if he could feed the dog please - "where's the dog food?" although the dog himself, listening to the conversation, is already showing him which cupboard it's in.
The untidy pile of magazines is driving me nuts, so is the wrappers from things that are sitting next to the bin, not in it.
Now - I'm not an overly tidy or houseproud person, just like things where they belong. I know I'm being unreasonable and I'm doing my best not to criticise, I've got another few weeks of this. I love him dearly and I know that he's doing his best but how do I get through it without a huge tantrum!
Are they as helpless as they appear or do we encourage them to be too dependant on us?
Oh - and there's been a couple of dead leaves in the middle of the kitchen floor for the last few days shock

Serkeen Sat 19-Aug-17 20:19:43

I think perhaps start with thinking about the good things, you have comethrough the op and are now back at home.

I can understand why he is annoying you, I was getting annoyed just reading it, you ask how do you get through it without blowing your top, well Breath, I know that sounds funny but believe me it works, when you feel yourself at boiling point just take a breath.

Try aswell to have family members round tat you can chat to and not focus on your DH's misgivings and try and gt some fresh air if possible even just sitting in the garden

I wish you a full recovery flowers

MiniMouse Sat 19-Aug-17 20:37:30

I've got his clone 🙄😆

Jalima1108 Sat 19-Aug-17 20:42:34

Mine is very good and excellent at DIY, doing all the jobs that need doing around the place and can cook a couple of 'signature dishes' - HOWEVER, when I was very poorly and he had to cook every day I had to sit on a chair in the kitchen and direct operations.
I sometimes fancied just scrambled eggs on toast but he has never managed to master that.
He makes a very good brew though!

Get well soon and I hope you are soon mobile.
ps leave the leaves

Christinefrance Sat 19-Aug-17 20:43:53

It's stressful when you want to do things yourself and can't. Happened to me for three months recently. My husband didn't do things my way but he did care for me and all our animals without complaint and cooked small meals to tempt my appetite. I kept my little irritations quiet as they were not important in the grand scheme of things.
It was good to get back to normal and change the beds my way to say nothing of the ironing !

Deedaa Sat 19-Aug-17 21:00:03

Mine doesn't throw things away! I come out into the kichen and find all sorts of wrappings, apple cores, empty bottles etc. When I complain he says "It's you and your recycling" apparently a man of nearly 70 can't work out where to throw unrecyclable stuff - or whether it can be recycled. Finding out where the cardboard and plastic go is completely beyond him. Dirty plates aren't put in the dishwasher because that would mean opening the door and checking whether it is ready to go or needs emptying!

tanith Sat 19-Aug-17 21:08:40

Oh 'yogagran'I think we married twins , I had hip surgery 4mths ago and I could of written your post except we don't have a dog . He will leave his meds on the table after filling his dosset box for days, pan that he's fried sausages in on the hob also for days unless I lose patience and deal with it, he can't find the vinegar bottle even though it's lived in the same place for years. It's probably our fault though grin

Jalima1108 Sat 19-Aug-17 21:13:48

I am beginning to think that DH is a gem!!
However, he does tend to wash dishes (not that well) that I would put in the dishwasher and always seems to leave a bowl of rather greasy looking washing up water - never empties it.


lemongrove Sat 19-Aug-17 21:17:09

Get well soon yogagran 💐
Your post me laugh, I would feel just the way that you do.
How can they not know where things are kept? Beyond belief. When I have been really ill, I don't care about anything, but once I start feeling a bit better but still can't do it all myself, that's when things get sticky.

yogagran Sat 19-Aug-17 21:36:08

That it exactly lemongrove, it was fine when I first came home but now I'm getting picky.
They dry their hands and leave the towel on the worktop instead of hanging it up - grrr
Thanks Christinefrance I know that you're right that it really doesn't matter. I've obviously got too much time on my hands which I'm just not used to
Serkeen I do "breathe" I've done yoga for many years and I'm sure that it's helped but goodness know what I'd be like if I couldn't relax
We are both going out every day for short walks that arre getting progressively longer and it is wonderful to be out again and pain free with it too.
Must remember to count my blessings wink

Eloethan Sat 19-Aug-17 22:14:04

I'm sorry, I know it's not funny Serkeen but your post made me laugh, especially the bit about your dog knowing where the dog food was even though your husband didn't - oh, and the dead leaves in the middle of the kitchen floor. Sorry, I just couldn't help laughing.

I have some sympathy with your husband because I often don't see things that are right in front of my nose. My husband often says "How long have you lived in this house?". On the other hand, I am much more conscientious with regard to housework whereas my husband doesn't feel compelled to get on with things that need doing, only doing them when the mood takes him.

I'm sure it must be really infuriating and it would get on my nerves too. But, as you say he's lovely really I expect you will try to overlook his ineptness and forgive him.

I hope you soon feel much better.

grannyqueenie Sat 19-Aug-17 22:42:27

There's a few of them around! Sounds very similar to my old boy when I had my hip done, then we had a rerun when I broke a bone in my right hand last year. Bless him he means well and tries hard and hand on heart I can be picky!

Gayliamelon1 Sun 20-Aug-17 05:07:06

My husband is extremely well intentioned. He can cook beautifully and shop with a texted list. Capable of all housework etc. All willingly . He works full time also. I've had Multiple Sclerosis for many years so he's needed more than perhaps most husbands. I have periods when I'm not able for several weeks. However, I learnt many years ago that my frustration at the many requests for me to attend/ instruct was easily eased. Just do not tell him where things are/ what to do. My stock answer is " I'm not overly sure myself". If the question is then repeated then answer in the same vein "not sure perhaps we need a new one if it's lost" The key to this is STAY PUT. Do not go and find it/ do it yourself. He will sort it out, he'll have no choice. I've learnt that he'll get himself organised . After all, rarely do they lose/ become blind to things in their shed/ workshop or anything personal of their belongings . It is refreshing to rid yourself of responsibility when you are unwell and essential for recupetation if you are not as mobile as usual. Our house is always very clean in the end. Just not in my way.

Gayliamelon1 Sun 20-Aug-17 05:39:56

* Just not with my methods.

Serkeen Sun 20-Aug-17 08:00:48

Eloethan think you have me mixed up with someone else, I have no dogs and mentioned nothing of dead leaves, think you may have meant yogagran grin

Greyduster Sun 20-Aug-17 08:05:43

I think they are all a bit like that, though I would have to look very hard to find fault with mine most of the time. He's good at all the jobs I hate - cleaning windows, washing floors, hoovering the stairs - but I hate the way he loads the dishwasher and frequently have to re-do it my way, and though he doesn't cook very often he won't get everything he needs out before he starts, so you have frequent calls of "where's do I find the....?" And "have we got any....." while things are obviously burning on the stove as he looks for the ingredients!! He's also extremely ham fisted and manages to break things just by thinking about it sometimes!! But he has lots of redeeming features, as I suspect all our irritating DH's do.

Theoddbird Sun 20-Aug-17 09:32:39

He is trying. He might be the one throwing a tantrum if you don't just let him get on with it.

Humbertbear Sun 20-Aug-17 09:40:50

I do feel for you but the important thing is that you concentrate on doing your physio and make a good recovery. You certainly can't bend down to reload the dishwasher. You can sort everything out in 6 weeks when you are fully recovered. I had a friend who broke her shoulder and she was very relaxed about things. She just said 'I will clean the house when I am better'. Why don't you order some ready meals online?

By the way, I found it useful to use crutches when I went out for walks even though I only needed the walking stick. People give you wide berth when they see crutches. I once hit a man with my walking stick because he tried to elbow me out of his way

Disgruntled Sun 20-Aug-17 09:44:04

The clue's in your name - alternate nostril breathing, haha. Good luck, it must be driving you bonkers! Hope you're taking lots of Arnica. flowers

Mrsdof Sun 20-Aug-17 09:45:26

Am I the only one who is blessed with a DH who does everything better than me! Even that can be frustrating at times, although not too often I generally just let him get on with it all and relax. grin

Lisalou Sun 20-Aug-17 09:59:33

I remember when my ma broke her knee - poor Dad, he was so willing, but the amount of goofy things which came about - my ma ironing at the ironing board at its lowest height, sitting on a stool, having to sit at kitchen table and prepare the chicken as he couldnt stand to touch it raw, sitting at same kitchen table, giving instructions on how to cook things...I could go on for hours and even today, ma and i laugh at the silly situations which arose, and which no doubt drove her mad at the time. Just wish he were around to be teased about it all.

GrumpyOldBat Sun 20-Aug-17 10:13:51

I am afraid that i am kin with your other half. It comes from growing up with a mother who redid everything anyone else did because only her way of doing things was right. It was really irritating and produced a domestic slob. The world will not end if you let him get on with it his way. Focus on getting better - the dishwasher does not care how it is loaded and nor should you. Your health is important, housework isn't.

Bluebe11 Sun 20-Aug-17 10:19:09

We have to just accept men are from Mars !! My ex asked me where I kept the washing up liquid he needed for his car ! We had been in that house for 5 years, so what does that say ? I was making pizza's for the kids and he said, don't make me a pizza you know I don't like them. When he went out I did make him a pizza, then rolled it up and gave him a " vegetarian roll" for dinner. He loved it, ate every bit and asked if I had any more !! Speechless ...

Tizliz Sun 20-Aug-17 10:24:19

Do you get 'you've changed the cupboards round' my reply is 'yes, three years ago' 🙄

inishowen Sun 20-Aug-17 10:25:24

When I was recovering from a hysterectomy my other half thought it was a good time to redecorate! So, not only did he have housework to do, he had all this added pressure too. I got fed up with the mess in the kitchen that I soon started doing it myself. I even dusted because visitors were coming and I was ashamed of the dust!