Why are they so helpless - or perhaps we shouldn't let them get so dependant

serekeen Sorry that I directed my post to you rather than than, as I'd intended, to the OP, yogagran.

I feel a tad envious of you all. My husband left me after 30 yrs of marriage and I've been alone for 17 years. During the 30 years we moved home (and often country) 15 times because of husband's work. Theee years ago I underwent knee joint replacement surgery and had to have the op again six weeks later because of an infection. I was in hospital for six weeks in total with friends thankfully looking after my dogs and home. On my return I'd have welcomed live in help. Friends were kind but it was tough being on crutches and not able to drive for 12 weeks in total . Surely we women have to accept some responsibility in that we are complicit in our husbands' lack of domestic ability. However inept, It must be wonderful to have someone trying to help and just being there in case of emergency etc.

My advice, just put up with it, leave your energies to getting on your feet properly, house etc will eventually get back to normal.

I think my mum will relate to all of you in yogagran position! Her dh is more thoughtless though. They don't tend to enjoy the same food & when she's really poorly he'll get out what she wants but not cook it!!
She's just had a spell in hospital. The Dr asked if she had help at home... She said 'what my chocolate teapot '!!!
I spoke to him & asked if he was coping & if some additional help for meals etc would be useful (I'm hundreds of miles away and have a difficult situation that means I can't go right now ?) he was shocked & didn't think there were any problems! I told him mum was anxious about coming home. (It's not just cooking that's the problem) it did prompt them to have a discussion & now she's home she says things have improved. Long may it continue......

Don't sweat the small stuff is my advice. When you are back on your feet you can sort it all out. As long as the basics are done just concentrate on getting well and being looked after.
The house can take care of itself and so can the dog by the sound of things.

Get well soon but DO NOT RUSH, housework is always lurking.

MmeJackdor I'm not really complaining - just needed a small rant. I realise that I'm very lucky and shouldn't complain. I reckon we make a rod for our own backs, it's so often easier to get on and do it rather than have to explain. But I do feel sometimes that the men know it's the easy way out if they pretend they don't understand

I wash all the dishes from breakfast and lunch after lunch and when cooking dinner I move stacked dishes ready for washing up. He doesn't move stacked dishes when he cooks (rarely) and I wash up so I have to move them before I can wash up.. I've asked him a number of times. I had a big tantrum yesterday about this, stupid I know, so trivial but I still feel angry with him. He leaves drawers and doors open after use also, drives me mad.

That was a kind and thoughtful response yogagran, thank you. I do agree about the pretence. I enjoy seeing both my offsprings' relationships where they appear to be more equal partners, sharing bringing home the bacon, childcare and domestic responsibilities. I'm quite in awe of the next generation. Good luck with your recuperation. I hope you'll have a speedy recovery and soon skipping and dancing around

Get well soon, yogagran.
I married Mr Right-first name "Always".
We have been together 50 years after meeting at school, and I don't sweat the small stuff, now, as radicalnan says.

When I had my hip replacement I realised that my husband had used the same tea towel for 2 weeks, drying it in between. We have a dishwasher but he prefers to wash up ? Otherwise he was very helpful but you do have to accept it will not be your way and men never know where anything is, EVER

Don't waste you energy, u need it to help your body repair. My hubby would be just the same. It's very soon after a major op, just try and go with the flow. Look up " one off" cleaners in your local paper and book for a deep house clean in about 4-6 weeks time , then you can just take over as usual.

Gayliamelon1 - yes, yes, yes! Such good advice. My OH cooked breakfast this morning - took 1 1/2 hours so I did a crossword or three and kept out of the way . He's mentioned how tasty it was at least 4 times since and the fallout is all over the kitchen. Oh well, give and take. Over the last couple of years though, I have taken to giving vague replies to his 'where is the ...' questions (going a bit deaf helps ) and suggesting he goes to the shop if 'there's nothing in the fridge'. Surprising how quickly he finds things then. And he can now stack the dishwasher, wash clothes (almost, he knows he's not allowed near woollens) and tidy up, in a fashion. Not bad after umpteen years together. And now I don't care how he does it if it's not me doing it! My DD tells me there's a post on MN, arguing about discussing how to wash dishes - who cares if someone else is kind enough to do it? I know they'll be done my way next time as I'll be doing them. I do think 'opposites attract' can be very true and that applies to housework too. If there are two ways to do something, we'd do them differently every time - not necessarily wrong, just different. Wear your blinkers Yoga, try to enjoy your recovery, and get well soon. . Oh yes, and do not move those leaves!

Really, ladies, all these husbands should have been trained to behave from the very early days of the relationship so don't start complaining now. You know the saying, 'You can't teach an old dog new tricks'. So either put up with it or stop doing so much for them. If he can't find a utensil, tell him to keep on looking or use something else. If he leaves rubbish around then pile it up and leave it somewhere where he will notice. If you're a bit incapacitated at the moment then just rest and don't look in the dishwasher as it doesn't matter how it's loaded as long as it comes out clean.

Are they really dependent? Or is it laziness?

It's so much easier to ask than look. I wonder if you hadn't been there would he have found the potato masher or used a fork even?

Grampy is the same I have to admit . I'll tell him EXACTLY where in the fridge something is and he'll tell me it's not, and when I go out - there it is.

He has a nifty excuse though - his theory is men are hunters by nature so can't see food that isn't moving!!

I keep him around cos he's funny!! ?

Sounds like they're all the same. It must start with their mothers doing everything for them then we, as wives carry on the rot.
They can do it if course, it's just easier to pretend they can't.
Made me laugh that even the dog knew where his food was kept.
By the way, I'm divorced and life has never been easier.

OP - come on here, rant, rave and have a tantrum! And console yourself with the thought that there are so many of us out here with the same problem - even if we are married to/with the best of them!

I think you're absolutely right HannahLL, it all started with their mothers. But we didn't do the same with our DS's did we

From your post, I would say you are just rearing to go and impatience is getting the better of you.

Perhaps it might help to take a step back and make a mental list of all things good in your life.....things like getting past your surgery, that you seem to be recovering nicely, and that even when things aren't perfect (and life never is), you have a loving husband to look after you, along with the house and the dog, bless their hearts!

Focus on the fact that you will soon be back on your feet again and none of this will matter.

Sending you 'get well' hugs and my wishes for your speedy recovery

Congratulations on the succesful op and new knee Yogagran. I did laugh at your description of the dog hearing the conversation and looking at the correct cupboard, my dog is the same, absolutely no chance of forgetting to feed her! Just sit in the garden and enjoy the sun. it is good for healing and good for the soul. I too have DH who leaves cupboard doors open, and a trail of destruction and crumbs.......and socks for some reason

Mine cooks as well as I do, just different things, so he knows where most of our kitchen utensils are. However, he never seems to know where to look in the store cupboard for anything he needs, and the re-cycling too seems to be beyond him to fathom.

I think at lot of this boils down to how interesting we find things, as I have to ask DH where to find things in his workshop.

Perhaps women are more genuinely interested in re-cycling than men? And in the arrangement of the kitchen drawers?

It's because of evolution. Men were the hunters and the women the gatherers so we can look for things more easily. Well it makes me feel better to think that way.......

No they're not all the same, and I have my dear late mother in law to thank for that. She raised 4 boys on her own from the early 50s.
My OH is the most wonderful caring man. Within reason I come first in all his thoughts but it's a 2 way street.
I haven't cooked or shopped for food / washed up or filled a dishwasher for years. He loves cooking.
He is away at the moment bringing a boat through the Caledonia canal to Essex. But before he went he made sure that I had all the meals I want. He often goes away for his hobby as well.
When I go out for a night with the girls he will drive me there ( and one friend) and pick me up.
I have everything I want done in the home and garden.
He's the one who 'pushes' me to spend money. Any time I say, ooh that's a bit much, he's says 'spend it.
I could go on and on but I felt I just had to stand up for the many many good lovely men out there.

My DH is usually very, very tidy. We are both a bit OCD and that suits us fine. He has blind spots, though. When he sits in one particular chair he moves the cushion off it and doesn't put it back. I usually do it but once decided not to. Three weeks later it was still conspicuously in the wrong place so I mentioned it. 'Three weeks?' he said, bemused.

The most important thing is to do your exercises after your op. Let him get o. With it, he is ill soon learn hopefully. Enjoy the pain free hips.

Well I can understand why all this is irritating you at the moment. But once recovered , you might want to consider thinking about how this situation has arisen ...do you do just about everything ("Its easier to do it myself" syndrome maybe) meaning that there is no reason at all why he should know where anything is? Maybe the dynamics of who does what on a day to day basis, or expectations of each other, need to change? In the meantime, I hope things improve while you recover, you so don't need the stress.