Being mum to a transgender child.

How good it is that your son had you there to support him.

I do feel troubled by the clear cut expectations that still exist around how people ought to dress and behave depending on their gender. If only there were true freedom for self-expression in these areas, then a lot of sadness and trauma could be alleviated. We have a long way to go. My hope is that at some point in the future people will not find themselves in a position where they have to undergo such punishing treatments in order to be able to dress and behave in the way that they feel comfortable with.

Hi Denil963, Thank you. I can't work out how to PM on my phone. I'm just on my way to work but if you can please PM me I will reply later when I can get to a computer. Thank you very much. NC

GNHQ - interested to know - is supporting transgender issues / needs something you could invite a guest speaker to talk about / create an info sharing forum about?

Men No, my experience as a teacher is much the same. Children are very accepting

That's so sad, NameChange.
I can see why the clinic wants your relative to have counselling but can also see why he doesn't want it, having decided to protect himself by changing his life in this way.

I have a cousin whose daughter became a son. I never knew much about this but after meeting my cousin's son and talking to him I understood more about transgender. My cousin and his wife accepted and supported him through the struggle. We recently attended their 25th anniversary and he made a beautiful speech about his parents. I now am more understanding and accepting of transgender people because of him. He is a wonderful son and my cousin and his wife are very proud of both of their children.

Your son is lucky to have such a warm understanding mother and I hope his father is as supportive. I love this site as it teaches me so much about human nature and the trials others face, and the support from others to clarify thinking and action. My beloved DH has terminal cancer so I have demons of our own to fight and I feel not so isolated when I can LOL or sympathise/get irate at some postings. A lot of wise advice to you so far, and of course huge respect well earned.
Of course you will mourn the daughter that has gone but how wonderful to have a happy, fulfilled living child ( many do take their own lives not being able to follow that difficult path on their own) . I hope your faith has been a support to you - your prayers were answered but in a different way.

Gosh Denil you sound like an amazing mum, you must have had years of worrying and pain. Like Luckygirl I wonder if the expectations that we put on both girls and boys to conform makes the problem more complicated. If when your child was a girl she had been allowed to choose clothes, activities and clubs that she preferred without being teased by others would she have been happy to keep the body she was born in or was it specifically the body that she wanted to change? Hope you don't think I'm being too nosey in asking but it's something I have wondered about for a while. People who transition go through such an horrendous time and if that's just to 'fit in' with society it seems dreadful. If, however, it is to change their life to suit themselves then it's their decision and worth it to them.

Deni1963 - you seem to have two children - a daughter and a son - lucky you. I know of people who have undergone up to 10 unsuccessful IVF attempts. Not saying your life hasn't been a difficult one, and probably still a lot more hills to climb, but rejoice in the fact that your son has emerged and is obviously a happier human being than he was as a she.

A good friend of my daughter in primary school later transitioned from female to male, and i understand things worked out well and he is very happy in his life. Which is the most important thing of all.

Denial, thank you for sharing this. You are one remarkable woman. It is so enlightening and thought provoking to ignoramuses like me that I feel decidedly overwhelmed. My understanding (limited though it was) has been completely stood on its head by your in depth revelations. We are sometimes flippant about 'love conquering all' but you really endorse this theory big time.
Thank you. You have my sincere good wishes and heartfelt admiration.

Thank you for the overwhelming response - I'm really not remarkable - we do the best we can with what we face.
In answer to some questions.
Being transgender is a dysphoria with your body. Your body is alien. My son couldn't bear to see his female body. He would bath in a T shirt - no amount of choice in clothes etc would change what lay underneath. No amount of time changed how he felt. He never waived from insisting he was trapped - God had made a mistake. That's how he saw it.
My ex, his father couldn't deal with it. I dealt with the transition and surgery on my own. At the time he had a wonderful g/f who supported him through surgery.
I had to fight every thought in my body when I went into theatre with him for the double masectomy - more out of fear I could lose my child. Fear it wouldn't go well. Fear that my girl was truly gone.
My son still needs more surgery. Unfortunately transitioning from female to male is hard, 5 sugeries over 2 years. It's isn't sophisticated. He will never have children. And he still struggles knowing he has to explain when a new relationship begins.
There is a group called Mermaids that supports parents - but nothing else.
Thank you for all the lovely messages.

What an insight to share. Thank you so much for this very moving post..
My much loved niece's son also knew at the age of 2 that he should have been a girl. She is now the most beautiful woman in her mid twenties who is much loved by everyone.
She too went through many despairing years as did her lovely supportive parent who was often told to give up on him as he was at the time..
You are both so lucky to have each others support and love. My warmest wishes to you both

I disagree Denil; You ARE remarkable, as is your son. My best wishes to you both, now and in the future.

Denil - thank you for sharing your story and glad things are working out for you and your family.

This must have been a terribly difficult experience for you and your family. You have my sympathy - I suppose you'll always wonder what your 'daughter' may have been like.
Your son is obviously happier and more fulfilled as a man. Good wishes to both of you.

I have a just 14-yr old GD, who came out as Gay earlier this year. (I had suspected this for some considerable time). No problems, very supportive immediate and extended family. Mum helped her to talk to school and they helped her to set up a club there. However, now she has said she thinks she TG and wishes to be male.
She was always a very girly little girl, liking sparking clothes and her choice for her teenage bedroom decoration was fairies - so we are concerned about this
Everyone is being supportive and he now has a boys name (of his choice), and wears a 'flattening' bra. But just does not fit the pattern of TG, which usually means people know from a very young age.
His parents (my D and SiL) are wonderful and helpful, there is an older brother and two younger siblings (girl and boy). As a family we have lots of professional knowledge, as my children include an education psychologist, a mental health professional, a teacher, and an expert in Diversity.
However, I am struggling. My D has said that she wants her new son to live in that role for at least two years before going any further.
So little information and support out there.

I have nothing but admiration for the courage of the parents and grandparents who are in this situation and, of course, the young people themselves. It must be incredibly difficult to get used to the change but, clearly, it is vital to the individual's sense of identity. I hope that everyone involved finds the help and support they need.

I personally know two young people who are transgendering from female to male ,both have had fantastic support from schools and the community ,in one case the older members of the family have been difficult/critical and refuse to accept its not "a phase" .Maybe thats just an age thing,though the family aren't any older than me.

I really appreciated this discussion because my 18year old GS announced this year that he was transgender, wanted to be called by a new feminine name, and called 'she.' It was a huge shock to the family, not a case of early childhood signs, and there was a lot of grief and worry while at the same time much love, acceptance, and support. She is now off to a university which is also supportive of LGBT students. Still has no outward signs of the change except for somewhat longer hair, and we have come to understand that some trans people do not make major changes in appearance or have a medical/ surgical transition. We hope she will take a long time to live with this identity change before taking further irrevocable steps. We feel that she was brave to declare herself, to parents, grandparents, classmates, and I hope I can take on some of that courage myself one day at a time in the years to come. She seems much happier living her truth, as the trans community says. We are in transition ourselves, giving up a wonderful grandson and learning to support a grandaughter's first scary steps into the world.

You have done remarkably well in a hard situation. Your love shines through the writing. Thank you for a wonderful informative thread.

Thank you for sharing, denil
Very best wishes to you and your son..

I share the comments of MissAdventure and Norah Love and best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you Deni, on behalf of all of us who had been through that struggle. Most of us, like me, without any of the support you have given your son.

Franberg: It's only recently that children have been able to express their gender identity. Most of the trans-people I know were well into middle age before they had sufficient knowledge to understand what they were.

Unfortunately the reality is still more like this recent report in my area: www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/15506437.Transgender_teenager_found_dead_in_bedroom___39_struggled_with_identity_issues__39___inquest_hears_just_days_after_Pride_parade/ of a recent local death. In this article I note:
The school told him he had to be 16 to change his name. Not true if he had parental permission, which he had.
The GP told him the NHS would not pay for surgery. Not true.
The headmistress pointedly deadnames him even after his death.
Sorry, but I'm still upset about this one.

Thank you very much for sharing this with us all. It's been a very helpful and interesting post. Hopefully in the future we will all find it easy to accept people as they are - whatever that 'are' is. Only recently I met some transgender people. I admit I felt a bit shy in case I said the wrong thing but after a few moments I felt very comfortable and then thought - why shouldn't I? We had a common purpose and had great fun. We do tend to focus on differences rather than commonalities and forget our humanity.