How do you take care of yuorself when you are a carer?

Oh how Ive read this and cried we are a team of doers in this god for sake care system of unanswered calls and forgotten referrals Nhs is at breaking point and the caters are at the end of it I know running between two mothers keep going and pray it will come to a natural end soon x

Adult care at your local council - ours offers respite care, occasional cash for you to have a break, go to exercise classes etc., and we also have a brilliant "Carer's Resources Centre", where we can go to Yoga, Tai Chi, have a chat and a cuppa, we have a choir etc. We're a pretty appalling deprived area and if we have it, if you ask, I'm sure you will get help/support and advice from your local council.

I'm not sure my 35 yr old daughter would appreciate being put into respite.

Skweek can I ask where your 'cared for' person is and who is caring for them, while you are enjoying the choir and Tai Chi (which I would love). Similar groups are offered locally but they are often poorly attended/are soon closed and no one seems to realise that without alternative care in place the 'Carers' cannot go.

I spent years as a carer and found it very taxing on my brain. There was no fore thought i.e. person is getting older and less able to climb stairs to bedroom. They waited till person could not manage stairs and carer having to heave large person around before theu started assessing and form filling then looking at budget etc etc meanwhile carer tired and getting ill. Finally get stair lift person has 1 month use before death. Similar happened to neighbour. Got house made wheelchair suitable patient came home from hospital died that night. SS need to anticipate problems and solutions and not leave it till last minute
SPF

What I can't understand is how the powers that be cannot see that those who do the caring are at risk of burning out if they do not get some regular respite (and I don't mean half a day a month). If all the carers burnt themselves out what would happen to those they love and care for ? (And let's face it they play in the fact that you do love them or you wouldn't do it).

So very sorry to read some of these heartbreakingly sad posts .

I have long been a "stalker" on Grans net, never really feeling I had anything to contribute to the conversations, but this thread has made me feel like I need to be part of the network. I have a DH with mental health problems, a DD with mental health problems and another DD with physical and mobility and learning difficulties that make her severely disabled. I thought I was alone, but no, there you all are, coping with the same things that I have to. Doing the same things to get by, and feeling the same way I do. I have no answers for the Op, as usual, you seem to be doing much more than me , well done. I am happy if I can just end each day feeling sane. Thanks Gransnet, I am so glad that you are here.

Annsixty My local adult social care stepped in when although not once did I complain of my exhaustion from the 24hour care of my late DH they arranged respite .
There is help out there for you and your GP should be able to get the ball rolling.
I have not heard of anyone in my position having to 'go it alone'

Wow!! I feel so blessed having read these posts... I'm a bit of a lurker, but today I need to tell you that you're all coping so well.

I've been my DH's carer for 17 years now - he's riddled with osteo-arthritis, wheelchair user outside the home, has IBS, survived 2 bouts of cancer and is battling skin cancer after a dreadful operation some years ago, where the clinic cocked up his op., his graft and then refused to believe it was infected. Bunch of tossers - he could smell his own nose rotting! He knows he'll lose his entire nose at some point, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

Anyway, he's an amazing man and I'm lucky that he's still as active as possible. Although I "care" for him he helps himself as much as possible. He's 65 now and I'll be 60 next year so I know things will get harder. In the meantime, I work at Morrisons twice a week (2 x 4-hour shifts) and they've been very accommodating because I've been there 6 years, do my job and don't get involved in all the "power plays" etc.!

We have a 22 y.o. DD who recently separated from her DP, although they're still on good terms - and the most adorable hurricane of a DGS who's just over 18 months old. Seeing them twice a week and face-timing daily is a blessing.

Sometimes, when DH has bad days (damaged kidney gives him a lot of extra pain now and again), I get quite frustrated because there's so little I can do to ease the pain and he can become really acerbic... and I have had the occasional bouts of tears wondering how we will manage later in life, especially if they amputate one of his legs/when he loses his nose to the bloody skin cancer.

However, I love books (though it takes me longer to get through them now, 'cos I tend to doze off!), play games on my iPad and have 2 rescue dogs who are my solace. I also do voluntary work for a dog rescue - with DH - and all that keeps us pretty busy.

Bless you all who are in a far more difficult place than me xxx

You are in the most difficult place imaginable Dianic
The very best of wishes to you and your DH.

Glad to know this thread has been helpful - GN is indeed a an amazing community and there are so many people coping with similar stresses with such humanity and humour.

My DS is a little better today and I have just been offered a job as a community carer subject to checks. Things to lift me.

Heartfelt hurrah for all you wonderful people who are doing so much for your nearest and dearest, often at cost to yourselves. [ flowers]

Thank you @annsixty - what will be, will be! And if it all goes pete tong, I know I can pop on here and chat to you lot xx

It really does help, I think, to hear about others' situations.
I went to carers group once, and every person that told a little about their situation drew sympathy from others, whose own circumstances were far from idyllic.

I am in awe of you all and hope if I have to become my DH's carer in the future that I can face it with your fortitude.

You can ask your sons C.P.N. for a carers assessment, and there should be a local carers group, ask at your G.P.'s they should have the number.

The mantra on our Alzheimer's Society Carer's Courses is that it isn't your responsibility and if you don't do it, SS will have to. So play that card for all it's worth.

What Skweek1 is talking about is available everywhere - spread the word and access it your selves.

Getting out! This is becoming harder though. (Waiting to see Social Work for the first time. They may come up with some help).
Having my DG's, though is also becoming harder.
Eating too much chocolate. (It's not affecting my weight, but I'm aware of other health issues - diabetes, cancer etc!)
Reading a good book.
Knitting

Actually, just today, the outcome of an app at our psychiatric hospital, is that DH is going to be assessed at a day ward, possibly twice a week for possibly four weeks - a wonderful break for me, and our DD, who has learning difficulties and lives at home. More importantly though, we may get a more definitive opinion re the meds or PD dementia. It may be both, of course. So pleased about this development! Re the lighter side - DH said today that he didn't know who I was (a first). When the psych asked who he thought I might be, he said 'a lookalike'! I assured them both that he certainly wouldn't choose another me, but a much younger model!

Mixed day here. Could kill a glass of wine! If I have wine I cannot drive if DS has another emergency... Bah!

Have the wine Lucky and have a taxi number and the cash to hand! Or phone 111 for a paramedic! Seriously!

Carer to husband with dementia and muscle wastage. I get four hours a week to go out (carer comes two hours two days. I am exhausted. I carry on because there is no option. No help from family. I'm tired.

I can sympathize so much with your predicament, during a period of 17 years, I looked after my own family, held down a good job, battled with Fibromyalgia and on top of that supported my sick and ailing parents. Don't get me wrong I didn't begrudge anytime I gave to any of the above. That was until two years ago, a light came on, and I realised I never had time for me, I felt rubbish to say the least. This is what happened next, I started to look into Mindfulness, whether it might help me. I signed up for a 6 week class. Really enjoyed the quiet meditative moments. I now practice Mindfulness, I have chosen this way to live, it helps me to remain calm, less stressed, I can practice at home. Better still my Fibromyalgia has improved considerably.
I know there is no magic wand to change things, but I hope you find some peace and calm eventually.?

I have had much more help and support in my caring role from the appropriate voluntary agencies than ever I have from the mainstream.Through them I have found more supportive informal contact, occasional short breaks and opportunities to attend events with the person I look after which have included activities such as crafts or the chance to enjoy a free, relaxing head massage! The best thing though is having contact with others in similar situations so you don't become isolated.

When I was in this position I went to the hospice office once a week for 'carers' meet-ups' which were very helpful. It got me out and meeting others in the same situation. Also DH went to the hospice weekly for day-care. That's not to say it takes away all the stress and worry but it was a great help. That was when I lived in the South West.
After DH passed away I went to a bereavement group. It was all worth its weight in gold as I may have had a nervous breakdown otherwise, instead it helped me to deal with my sadness.
My sister was a carer for dad in the Midlands - very little help given, result - nervous breakdown after his death. The thing is you have to say YES to emotional support whenever it's offered. Don't turn it down. If you don't ask you don't get - they'll think you're managing.

When it comes to emotional support, I have my DDs of course, but I also pay to go to a private counselor - I worry about the expenditure and sometimes feel it is hard to justify it, but there is nothing available on NHS, and sealing with his paranoia is something I find very hard.

But.......he has been a bit better as regards this the last couple of days as the drugs reduce, so fingers crossed. We just need to find some replacement drug to improve his movement etc., which has deteriorated along with the reduction.

Loving wishes to all you wonderful people in a caring role. We can do this thing!