too kind daughter

You stay exactly where you are and tell her you do appreciate her thinking about you but you re going to be staying where you are.... and just stick to your guns end of
If she keeps bringing it up just saying ‘darling we re not moving’ and then change the subject.
She ll get fed up eventually if you stick to your big fat No thanks

HI Tellno1ok your post made me smile.

If it was my daughter I'd be able to say to her "What part of (lovely invite, but) no thanks, didn't you understand?" and we'd laugh about it. Then I'd say "Will keep you posted if I ever change my mind!"

Welcome to GN if you're new.

Sounds very grand. How nice your daughter wants you to be close by. Is their purchase dependant on you buying the barn (or would you get it for free and be able to live on the proceeds of your current home...smart cars, fur coats, diamonds, good restaurants and lots of holidays? ) .
How far is it from where you are now?
Lots to think about. Wouldnt call it a problem, if you get on well it could be lovely.

What a lovely daughter you have. I know of cases where this has worked well but if you are happy no need to change.

Just smile and nod!

Yes lovely thought from your daughter, you must be proud of her. I would feel exactly the same as you do, I value my independence and if you are happy with the status quo then why change. The only other thing to consider would be if you or your daughter needed help from each other in any way. Stay happily where you are is my advice.

I would say it depended on how far away from her you will be living if you remain where you are and whether or not you are you in good health.
I think many children worry about their parents and how they - are/will be - managing. DD seems constantly worrying about what will I do if DH ( her step dad) dies before me!
A friend who was widowed last Christmas has gone to live very near one of his DD because of the worrying they were all doing and he is now spending long lonely days (in UK) on his own as he knows no one. Where he was living ( in France) he had many friends watching over him and inviting him out for coffee and he often spent many days with us or his neighbour.
Children usually mean very well but at times it is for their peace of mind rather than the happiness of the parent. Maybe your DD is thinking along the lines that together you and your DH could make a new life together which a single one of you could continue alone.

There is no tyranny like the emotional tyranny of a beloved and loving relative.

As Bluebelle says, you are happy where you are. You do not want to move, end of. You have to keep repeating yourself, again and again and again until finally your DD gets the message.

The thing you must NOT do is let her lead you in to any 'what if' scenarios. How nice it would be when the weather was bad and you had help on hand. If we converted it to a house how much garden would you want etc etc, until she has you seeing a future there through her eyes.

We once came very close to moving house because very close friends were so happy in the area they had moved to that the whole area became suffused in a rosy glow. However when we got back home and sat and thought we realised that the things they were able to do in their new their new home that made them so happy were things we had no interest in and the opportunities to do the things we really enjoyed were non-existent. We didn't move.

TellNo1Ok, you are going to have to be very focussed and determined against this loving onslaught.

It is lovely of her too ask you but like you I wouldn't want to (and I'm on my own).
My son (wife and 3 kids) always says when he wins the lottery will I have Granny annexe or granny bungalow in the grounds! ?
I just say yes because of course it will never happen. Nice to be asked though??

Well, I smiled ruefully. 20 years ago I made a similar offer to my parents. They joked about how I had always been bossy, they were happy as they were, and would face whatever life threw at them from the home they had loved for so long.
5 years later they were struggling to cope, although they could afford carers and cleaners, they relied emotionally on me visiting once or twice a week as I took time away from my job and made the journey to them. My mum ended up in residential care sooner than she otherwise would have done, and the toll on my dad meant he was in poor health after that.
From my point of view, it would have been ' better' if they had been nearer and in more suitable accommodation. From their point of view, a few years of struggle and slightly earlier deaths were the price they were happy to pay for making their own choices.

I was happy to respect that, but it would have been harder if I had been even further away, or unable to drop my hours. To support them, I dropped 1 working day for the last 10 years of my working life. I would like to respectfully suggest that you are very clear to your daughter about the reasons for your choices, and what you expect, or not, from her in the future.

We considered this , until DH pointed out that if they sold up or separated we would be In avery vulnerable position.

The other thing to think about is your health. There would be a lot of sense in us doing this as OH not well. You do not know what is around the corner health-wise.

We are in the middle of moving into a tiny Granny Flat attached to DD1 s New build , she wanted us to move several years ago , wish we had done it then . I am waiting for a new hip and am full time carer for OH since his PD took a nose dive, but all the upheaval would have been easier to cope with when she first suggested it

Hmm, well I spent several years in my forties driving 150 miles each way, every other weekend to support my parents who had said no to a flat we would have built on the side of the house.
My husband was very supportive but when he died a few years later I missed the time I should have been spending with him. My teenage daughter was resentful that I was often not there and it damaged our relationship.
A friend killed herself driving round the M25 every weekend to support her elderly mother and father who wouldn't move closer.
Now my son drives a round trip of 700 miles (I can't do it any more) to visit my husband's father who wouldn't move closer to us.
I guess it depends on what you will put in place for when you can't manage and what your ,maybe unstated, expectations will be of your daughter. How much your children's love for you will compel them to sacrifice their own lives. How much you will care about that as long as you retain your independence.
Sorry I'm a bit jaundiced. You must do what you think best, of course.

Ask them to turn the barn into a holiday home rental which would be suitable for you in your old age. Is she planning a family and looking for help on tap?

Hmm. Your words if you "sold up" sent alarm bells ringing. We know an elderly mother who sold up to live with her DD and SiL and gave them a huge some of money towards the puchase of the property. Unfortunately nothing was put down on paper to protect her. The couple split, the DD went off and the SiL evicted the lady into council housing.
If you're happy where you are I would say don't do it yet. The barn will always be there for years to come if you wish to move at a later date, but do protect your interests.

Your daughter sounds lovely, caring and thoughtful, cherish her .
Simply say thank you but we're happy here ,as you will be in your lovely new home.

Can you talk to your daughter and explain that the time is not right yet for you to move close to them? Or, as another post asked, does the purchase of their property depend on having some money from you put into it? If they are able to support their purchase entirely themselves then could you not use the offered accommodation as a holiday home until such time as you do feel you want to be closer to her? If one of you dies then the surviving partner may want to have the company of your daughter and family rather than continue on alone. Perhaps the Granny accommodation could be let out as a holiday home on the weeks you are not going to be there. I have read so many posts from Grandparents who would love to be so close to their family but are never asked or thought about in that way - I think you could be a bit flexible, you may regret saying a definite No otherwise.

I’d say that it’s a lovely idea and you will bear it in mind for when you get old!

The other side of the coin was a friend of mine who sold her house in France and gave one of her sons a lot of money so, in his words, he could buy a bigger house and make a granny flat for her with her own private entrance et ...she loved the idea ....he found a very large house in London ...obtained planning permission for the granny annexe .....she moved into a mobile home to wait for it to be completed ...gave him more and more money as 'oh, we need new double glazing, heating, etc etc ...and then they had a third baby, so it was Oh, sorry ...we need the space now so we can't convert the double garage into your granny flat ! Fortunately (if you consider it fortunate ! she had saved some money for her other son, but then had to use it to fund a move into social housing ...she was lucky to get a nice retirement flat as she was born in the place she bought the mobile home, and one housing criteria was living in a caravan .....although she had to wait two years .....she does not see her son much anymore, except when he wants a holiday (it is at the seaside)...and she has falle out with the daughter in law who had promised 'We will look after you in my culture it is normal to look after your parents'.......so now she regrets giving them a lot of her money which was for her old age (she is now 81) ........BUT on the other hand a good suggestion on here was let your D turn it into holiday accommodation so that if you find in a few years time you can no longer manage your house and garden, the option is always there .....would love it if it were me !

Thank her.
Say "Not at the moment, darling, but it could be lovely in our old age."

I would say while we appreciate the thought the answer is no. We love living where we are and are very happy here. I am wondering would their proposed move be in some way reliant on a financial input from yourselves? If she want take no for answer you have no choice but to dig your heels in firmly and refuse.

Goodness. Say "no thank you" and be done.

A neighbour of mine did this to her parents and, as the husband was ill, they agreed to move in with her. The mother hated the place but thankfully, when her husband died, because she had refused to sell her old home, was able to move back to it and hopefully lived happily ever after.