My Son's family is splitting up...so sad tonight.

So sorry to hear this, We've had the same thing happen with our son 2 years ago.
They had a gradual separation and it seemed more gentle for my DGD. They've managed to stay on good terms and share her care, I look after her several times a week after school while they work as I did before. I get on okay with my ex DIL at the moment. Not sure what will happen when I'm no longer needed for childcare.
Take one day at a time and if possible don't take sides.

So sorry. The only thing to do is stay neutral. I fear that happening to my son one day.

I'm so sorry Carol. Both of our children have split up and have new partners. Our son had no children so the break up not so traumatic. Even so our dil is a lovely lady and the breakup was very sad for them and for us. Son now has a partner of whom we've become very fond, just pray that the stay together!! Our DD is separated from her DH, (of whom we were equally fond!!) has three lovely children two of whom are teenagers, plus one dear little boy of only 10. Sometimes I could weep for him as his parents seem constantly at war with each other, mostly over what's best for him and his sisters! (both have new partners), but all we can do is be supportive, non critical (a must!) and hope for the best.

So sorry to hear about your family's problems Carol I do hope they can maintain some stability for the children. Another time when we parents have to bite our tongues and not be critical. Try not to disparage his partner in front of him or the children and if you can maintain a relationship with the partner that will help.
I hope things work out without too much difficulty, good luck.

Such sad news! Our son moved back in with us nearly three years ago. His wife and boys live nearby and we see a lot of our younger GS, his brother is a teenager, enough said, but DIL is not at all friendly, quite the opposite, except when she needs us. Lots of tongue-biting is required. Try to stay on an even keel with your DIL, it will pay dividends in the future. Families today are so varied but a lot seem to work very well. The sadness will pass and you’ll stay closer as your grand-daughter grows up.

I haven’t experienced this though I have worried about the possibility. So I just wanted to send you and all the family every best wish.?

I am so sorry. My son split from his wife - they have 3 children. It is not easy but it can work out. They decided the children had to come first & sold house & moved onto 2 new properties very close to each other. They share care of children & still have family days out together, spend Xmas day together etc. They went to a mediation service which really helped them to work out the best way to handle it & I would suggest that may be a help for your son. Now they are friends & get on really well although both have had new relationships too.
If you can stay on good terms with them both you can help with child care & see your GC often too.
I wish you well & I hope it works out.

This is very sad news but I am heartened that, having made the decision, your DS and DIL are putting their child first and doing things at a pace to suit your DGD. I think that shows maturity and bodes well as DIL sounds like the sort of person who will be considering her DD's needs for her family and stability. Let's hope it stays that way and a new, happy way of life for your DS, DIL and DGD will be the silver lining of this particular cloud.

Sorry to hear your news carol take care of yourself .

I am so grateful for all of your kind words. It's always good to hear from others in the same situation. I think I just couldn't take in the news last night as it came as such a shock after a lovely family day on Xmas day. Although we'd known they were having problems a while ago we thought they'd patched things up but they say their relationship can't be mended so we all must carry on as best we can. We don't blame either party and will always do our best for all of them but our DIL is moving back to her parents in another town and taking DGD with her so I dread that will mean we will see so much less of them. We'll just have to treasure the times we do have together and let them know that they are all still so loved. Thank you all again x

Ahh sending hugs and Carol.

I'm so sorry to hear this for all of you, I feel your grief as I've been through it and know the searing pain brought on by seeing your adult children's family break apart. It won't help just now, but the searing does eventually ease back to more of a dull ache.

The thing now is maintaining your relationship with your grandchild - it's not easy (sadly I know this only too well) but it truly is a must-do. My son and his wife split when DGS1 was 2, he's 13 now, and while his parents go back-forth regarding reconciliation (they were on-ish but just before Christmas have become off again - this will be yet another 'rinse and repeat', sigh), DGS1 told me Christmas Eve my determined remaining important in his life has made all the difference for him - he knows no matter what he can count on Gran to not take any side but his.

Keeping close to him has been difficult especially as I live in Scotland and he lives in Alabama USA but between snail-mail, email, Skype, and weekly phone visits, we manage - I communicate more with DGS1 than I do his parents and I don't feel the slightest twinge as I've believed since 2004 the boy is who is most important.

My DIL and I actually have a good relationship, and of course my son and I are close - and both say my being the one steady for DGS1 is a great help.

Thank you NannyTee x
You're quite right LongHaulGran, I'm sure the pain will ease in time, as with most things that happen in life, and it's so much easier to stay in touch these days with Skype, Video Messenger etc. I'm sure my DIL will want to keep in touch for DGD's sake (or if only to have continued babysitting!).

Virtual hugs to you Carol. It's tricky, but it sounds as though you are all wanting to figure it out in the kindest way possible.

DS and DIL split up 3 years ago just before Xmas. Nasty shock, and DIL rang me just after making nasty comments about DS that really made me angry. I didn’t comment and took a few days to calm down as pretty sure the comments were made in the heat of the moment. I then rang her and told her how sorry I was, how much I had valued her friendship, how fond I was of her and that I hoped we’d always stay in touch. The upshot is - they’re still together, we had another fabulous holiday with them this year, and they’ve just left after spending a riotous 4 days with us over Xmas. I’m sure it could still go either way though, and would agree with the advice to have a brief chat with DIL but be practical, not sympathetic or maudling, and assure her you’ll always be there for her if needed. Best wishes

It is so sad when couples split, but it really does sound as though this couple have the interests of their DD very much at heart and hopefully a part of that will include making sure she does not lose contact with her grandparents. Have faith in their good judgement and keep up contact with both. And try not to be sad in front of your DGD - she will need you as a stable rock in her life.

I was told this devestating news middle of last year but had figured all was not fine by then myself. My daughter and SIL have decided on the ‘Birds-nesting’ form of parenting...where instead of one parent moving out and kids being shunted from one parent to another for ‘visiting’ .... the parents move in and out of the family home for 2 days a week each..thus ensuring the children’s lives remain in their home with their toys ..their rooms...their schooling...their friends left intact. After all as they say the break-up is the adults fault and the kids must suffer as little as possible. So
Far my grandkids have not notice any difference in their lives apart from daddy not being there for 2 nights and mummy not being there for 2 nights a week. They have remained very calm and friendly in the home with each other ( which isn’t false) and eat together as a family 4 nights a week. Hopefully this situation will continue until the children are grown...they are now 6 and 10...so 10 years or so to go. I believe it is a totally selfless thing to do on both sides and wish them well with this novel way of doing things. You will eventually stop crying and start accepting, but if plausible for your family please suggest ‘Birds nesting’ it may be a good choice. I wish you all well.

Sending you a hug and hope if you've had a happy day that it might still work out...

December is a very dark depressive time of winter and very stressful with Christmas preparations. My best friend is having the same problems and is miles from her daughter and children. Sounds as though your family live close by so maybe DiL will stay in the area and if you can resist taking sides you will keep contact with your granddaughter.

Carol, do not lose faith, you can still stay friends and it can be done and I know from experience. My first husband and I split when the children were very young but I always got on really well with my x mil and it continued. The children and I would stay with her or visit her whenever we could, sometimes for most of the summer hols as she lives near the sea. In fact my second husband and I were invited by the ex sil to her surprise 90th family party and made most welcome. It can be done so support her as well as your son and it will work out well.

I'm so sorry for you Carol and can only pass on my experience when my husband and I separated. His parents were so supportive to me and their grandchildren which I really appreciated and we remained very close until the day they died. If you want to stay close to your grandchildren I think you probably need to sit down with both parents and tell them how sad you are but that your main priority is to still be there for all three of them. It can be done if you can try to avoid taking sides and I wish you the very best of luck because I know how upsetting it all is.

Such lovely kind words from everyone; thank you all so much. You've all given me so much to think about and filled me with hope that maybe things will be ok. I've seen other family today and had kind words from them too so am feeling a little calmer. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight and tomorrow will look a little brighter.

I’m so sorry to hear this Carol. Please, please try to stay on good terms with your DiL. Because of his vile, abusive behaviour it has been impossible for us to be friendly towards our ex SiL but we never ever say a word against him to, or in the bearing of, DGD. She is our priority as she is the totally innocent party. Ex SiL resents every minute spent with us. But your situation seems so much more civilised and I’m sure you can work it out amicably. Good luck.

Just wanted to add my best wishes that the split is as amicable as it's possible to be for all concerned. As everyone has said maintaining a neutral position and being there for all of them is the best policy. Your son and his partner sound to be doing everything they can to ensure your little granddaughter comes first.

So sorry for you, we are in a similar situation and have just had the first Christmas when our 4 year old GS has had to spend it in 2 different places, parents still living in the same house but relationships are deteriorating and couldn’t agree how to spend Christmas.
Our DD is the mother and we do lots of childcare so don’t think we will lose contact although we feel we are walking on coals at times, and as for staying neutral, we are trying to but out DD gets angry if we are too nice to SIL ( including buying him a Christmas present)
My heart goes out to you and all other gransnetters in this position, when I joined 4 years ago , so excited at being a grandma , little did I know that this topic would be what I needed support from GN for.