Childcare criticism

I’m with Paddyann re the long gap between meals. She’s too young to go five hours. A little healthy snack between meals won’t hurt her.

7'30 for breakfast until 12.30 for lunch is far too long ,this toddler needs fed more regulary AND she needs milk ..most parents now give follow on milk in cartons but ordinary cows milk would be OK.I just asked my D about a five hour gap between food for a 13 month old and she was horrified .

Parents who leave their children with the grandparents have to accept that not everything will be done in exactly their way; or they have to fork out for a nursery or childminder, where, once again, things will not be done exactly in their way. They cannot have it all ways. If they leave their child with someone else, they cannot dictate every minute thing. If that is what they want, then they should stay at home and do it themselves!

We have all been in the situation where a child of ours has been at a friend's and eaten something we do not usually give them, or watched a TV programme that we would not normally allow - they survive and adapt.

I try to stick with dietary rules as far as possible, and anything else that they mind especially about, but otherwise at Grandma's house things happen Grandma's way. I think it helps children to be adaptable and does no harm.

Your DIL is being a bit ridiculous - just let it waft by.

I agree Luckygirl they are probably feeling guilty about leaving her. Let it go and ask for what is needed next time. If this criticism persists though I would be having a serious talk with them.

Hi Sheian57, your such a good mother and granny, DIL is feeling loss of control over her child's life because she has to work, your son will agree with any critism she has, old meg is right, don't get into a discussion with them, remember the saying 'what happens at grandmas house stays at grandmas house'.
Keep it positive, your not their punchbag, let them know you're trying to help them and their remarks are both hurtful and ungrateful. In my experience once you point this out they'll have time to reflect on their behaviour and realise what a wonderful granny their child has.

Your son and dil should be really grateful that you collect your granddaughter and look after her one day a week. You sound like a very sensible and caring lady. They should be packing a bag with spare clothes and snacks for her. That's what my daughter did when I minded her little girl.

Your family are very lucky to have you doing what you do. I was not a great fan of my mil but without her looking after my kids when they were small, as my own mother was always too busy???,I would not have been able to work to give us more income.
I would be inclined to say 'make a list', for you to follow, or 'if you are not happy with what I am doing then it might be better to find some one else'

Perhaps you should request that they send ALL the child's food for the day with her. Wrapped, and labelled with times for administration of course.

Oh dear Sheian57...... From one Sheila Ann to another... sort it now!! My daughter was always leaving my grandson with me for three day weekends so her and hubby could 'have a break' from the no doubt rigours of looking after one toddler! She came in after one such 'break' to tell me her son shouldn't be eating a banana (tiny finger ) so late in afternoon before his tea...it was about 3.30! This, before she'd even said" hallo''. I clamped my mouth shut and went into the garden and started 'pruning' my shrubs overhard as you could imagine! She came out five mins later to ask why I was trimming the shrubs in the rain ( I hadn't even noticed) and it came pouring out. Her total disregard of my child-rearing abilities... her constant criticisms... her fastidiousness concerning everything to do with my GC. I told her then to find another mug to do it next time she fancied being off and away for the weekend. She backed off from that day AND apologised to me for any hurt caused. By the time my granddaughter arrived she had calmed down a lot.... Granddaughter delighted in eating frozen peas and bits of dog food while crawling around a less than spotless floor. What I'm saying is that they 'get over it'. But sheian57 she needs telling in no quiet way that if you are looking after the little precious darling you'll be doing it your way. Even adult kids need a 'telling off' occasionally.

Next time you have to change her clothes, tell them as soon as they come in why you have done it. Children of that age often need changing a couple of times during the day.
It’s their first and they need to put the book away and starting their parenting using intuition.
I think it’s wrong to allow young children to keep on snacking as they will eat more & more as they get older and could lead to fat issues.

It gets easier, I promise. For a start they tell you if they're hungry or want their 'dumdum'.
It's a long day and some of them can eat literally all day long. Bananas were always in my handbag, always looking a bit bedraggled! And cheese & biscuits. And milk 3 times a day! My DD always sent a set of spare clothes & I had a few scruffy outfits in case GS wanted to play in the garden.
Would you be happier to do childcare at your son's home. It can be easier because everything is there with the advantage that your paintwork will remain scuff free!

Best advice is say nothing. What happens at grandma's stays at grandma's. Many working mums get

(Whoops!!! Long nails)

Get a guilt complex and worry dreadfully about their little one.
I can understand that. So just enjoy your time with your GD.
Sounds like she had a lovely time at yours ?

Agree with Sarah though would like to be as brave as Saggi!
I’ve never had any of these issues with either of my DGC, their parents are just grateful for the help.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I have a t shirt with ' Whatever' printed on it. Invaluable when your children are questioning/ criticising how you look after their children. I was always in trouble for something, but often a perceived something or other. One memorable day when DGC came out in a rash after I had had them( What did you give them to eat, where did you take them et?). Turned out DIL had changed the washing powder, that caused it in all probability , but didn't tell me until a week after, after I had moithered and worried that I had done something amiss. I saw the t shirt the day after- perfect- and that's what I have thought ever since. I listen politely, make little comment, then privately think 'Whatever'....I think most of us take the best care we can with our grandchildren.

They are so lucky to have you. From the tone of your post you sound very defensive and too quick to please. Did you really want to give up full-time work for yourself as well as them? That was a big move to make which perhaps set the scene for them to believe you are always available to be of service to them at the expense of your own needs. Don’t be a martyr or doormat and only do it on your terms and if you really want to. Personally, I wouldn’t make a big issue of asking for aet routines etc but instead would be ready with an instant response the next time uncalled for criticism comes your way. Perhaps some recognition of how hard it is leaving their child all day might help before they snap at you. Good luck.

I am very lucky then that I have just been handed my 5 grandchildren at various times, and have just been left to do as I see fit ! In your position, I would def play the game, saying you don’t wish to upset them, ask for a set schedule, then quietly apply sensibility to it when needs must. Your son lived to become a father himself so you can’t have done too bad a job with him !! When baby no:2 arrives, it’s always a lot more relaxed.

Listen to baby. If baby is hungry or thirsty, they will let you know in no uncertain terms.

My husband & I aren’t allowed to look after one set of grandchildren 3 & 5 because OH is clumsy & I’m fat.
We do maintain a sense of humour over this.

They are lucky to have such a caring `childminder` but don`t seem in the least bit grateful . Ask them for a list stating what they would like you to do with regards food etc . Your day sounded fine to me , I look after my 1 yr old Gc for one day a week and DIL leaves a note with feeding and napping suggestions which I prefer but she would NEVER criticise what I do . They both sound very rude , I would just have to say something or they will continue to walk all over you . xx

Your son and daughter in law are lucky you pick her up in the morning and give her tea in the evening. That is a long day. We look after our 2 year old granddaughter one day a week and have done so since she was 9 months old and your feeding routine sounds fine to me. We asked my daughter and son in law for a routine initially though but they are reasonably happy to leave it to us now and I have never had any criticism. I think I would let it go rather than make an issue of it but ask them for a feeding routine if they are not happy with how much you give her.

We only have our granddaughter from 8.45 am until about 3 or 3.30 pm as my daughter works part time locally. She has breakfast at home. We give her a mid morning snack either a banana or an oatcake or packet of kiddy friendly crisps at 10ish and then lunch is usually baked beans or spaghetti hoops on toast or a cheese sandwich and a fruit pot for dessert. That is at about 12pm. She has a mid afternoon snack which is either an apple or a couple of dairy free biscuits (she is lactose intolerant) at 3pm ish. I am not sure how that compares to your granddaughters food intake but our granddaughter is very active - we take her to soft play or toddler gym session in the morning and wear her out and she gets hungry from all the running around. She has a nap in early afternoon then plays at home with us until my daughter arrives to collect her mid afternoon. She has tea at home usually unless my daughter is late picking her up.

It's clearly not a mather of good care, they don't critisize the actual facts, only minor details that really aren't that important. Seems like they don't want you to feel happy about having your GC with you. I have my baby GS here regularly, he's only 6 months old and if needed they call me from his daycare to pick him up early. My son and DIL are happy with that arrangement, ánd we talk often about how they want things done. Works for all of us. .

there is a school of thought that children should be eating 3 meals a day plus healthy snacks between. If she had a cold it could well be that she wasn't particularly hungry. I'm half expecting this to be on mumsnet with the story that mil didn't like DDs clothes so changed her and then didn't give her tea,

I agree with above posters who said to get her to write down what should happen when

A baby of 13 months old can't tell you when it is hungry, five hours is way too long. When our GC visited they were fed at 8, 12, 4 and before bed with fruit and milk and biscuit snacks in between.

Re the other issues, like the dummy and the clothes and cold. I would see no issue with that and my daughter would have been fine with whatever you did so maybe your DIL is just a bit of a stressy overprotective mum. Maybe just don't mention everything. How do they know if you have given her a dummy? I don't see the point of giving her one if she doesn't need it. My granddaughter hasn't had one since around 5 months thank goodness as I don't like them either.

Sheian57 - I feel for you but can only tell you I have had 12 years of this constant complaining. However they still prefer to use my ‘free’ service rather than pay someone who will also demand petrol money. When my mother looked after my daughter I was just so grateful that I let her do it her way. Things have changed, however, and the current generation of parents are very demanding. I have tried to train myself to ride the criticism. Having a relationship with my GC is more important than the barbs from DS and DiL.